Empathy as a perfunctory action

*This is from the perspective of dealing with narcissistic family. *TW for mentions of emotional/ physical/ sexual abuse

I think one of the most painful realizations in my journey is accepting that my family is extremely limited and sort of what I call “resource poor” when it comes to empathy, and being able to have difficult conversations about emotions and one’s own reactions to different situations.

My personal explanation is they become easily dysregulated and instead of trying to soothe that anxiety or uncomfortable feeling of shame/ rage they externalize it aggressively onto whoever is an easy target.

If you confront and recognize that their aggression is a result of their own internal struggle they tend to double down and accuse you of whatever they can. It looks like lying in an egregious way but I think they’re so blinded by their own emotions they just don’t remember how their own input or reactions played a role in the conflict.

My aunt used to try to provoke emotional responses from me by telling me horror stories about my abusive mother. She used to say things like “your mother lied about your sexual abuse to her new partner” and “your mother got your sexual abuse charges dropped because it was so embarrassing for her.” She told me this 35 years after the fact.

Then she would say “I almost gave your address to your mother” out of some kind of frustration that I didn’t want to talk to my mom. Like she told me my mother was literally complicit in my sexual abuse, but she wanted to see how I’d react to her handing out my address to her.

When I laughed and said I’d disown her for such actions she responded with rage; I didn’t give her the correct response to her demands for narcissistic supply? I didn’t show vulnerability. In fact I laughed and made a joke out of it.

When my mom died my aunt said I was a “very angry person” and that “even [unknown person to me] thinks you’re angry.”

She put on me her perception of what I should be feeling because of what she told me, rather than allowing me to have my own feelings of grief.

She told me I’d be too disruptive and would likely have an outburst so I shouldn’t go to the cremation. That made me respond by saying, “then I should go to her cremation.”

I was stonewalled by an abusive sibling. It seemed like I was deliberately triangulated by both my aunt and brother.

When I questioned what she was saying she denied it and said that it was all in my head. She claimed I imagined she said those things. She claimed she hadn’t talked to anyone in years.

When I said, “but you very clearly acted as if you had recent conversations with people directly. Don’t be disingenuous” she flew into a rage. She told me that because I disclosed details of my abuse and “threatened” to disown her that she doesn’t believe in the sorrow I have about my mother’s death. She swore up and down she had no idea where my mother lived and knew nothing about her life.

Hold up?! You came to me and said you almost dropped my address to her, and that you knew more details about my sexual abuse case than I did.

Her reaction put me on the defensive about the abuse. It felt like like she was doubting my story. She had made a dismissive comment about when I mentioned her letting my brother control whether I show up to my mother’s cremation by saying, “I won’t judge you or your brother for the choices you made in the past.”

Hold up lady. When was my brother’s abuse of me about my choices? He took my choices from me when he chose to abuse me.

I replied back; I told her to just try not meddling so much, and just have basic empathy.

I said that although my brother was incited to abuse me by my mother, he was not a child and he didn’t have a gun put to his head. I said he made awful choices, as did my mother.

My aunt attacked my character accusing me of being pathetic, toxic and exactly like my mother. She called me mentally ill.

I said sure I am like my mother, I just haven’t made her life choices, or incited any adult men to attack a child.

I said she has talked an awful lot about my anger when I am really not angry but scared and tired of what I have witnessed.

I said sure I need help, but so does this family.

She replied saying I was in a psychotic episode and accused me of harassment.

My uncle got involved, accused me of lying because one year (during pandemic lockdowns) I forgot to buy them a Christmas gift. This was the example they came up to point out the holes in my memory. I remember asking my aunt what they wanted for Christmas and her saying she wanted nothing.

I disowned them. I have no plans of dealing with them ever again.

What hurts is the moments I remember when I came to them at age 16 and told them some details about my abuse; they were genuinely horrified. Was that a genuine reaction and concern for my wellbeing? What even happened from that point until now? Why does it seem like they take any opportunity to skewer my character or call me liar, even when I haven’t lied.

Why do I feel like my words get twisted if I especially come to them while feeling vulnerable? So many times I had to make it up to family when I was treated poorly.

I am in therapy. I feel guilty when I disclose because I fear people are offended at me and not my story.

I want to think they’re not all bad, and that they’ve had genuine empathy; but that’s what makes it hurt. I haven’t been close to them in years and I tried getting closer recently and they started attacking me and literally making up stuff to paint me as crazy or lying.

It’s hard to tell if the empathy they showed was merely perfunctory, and it just took a trigger of me not acting as they exactly expected to their manipulation for them to show this side of themselves.

I think sometimes my aunt takes after my mom quite a great deal more than she is willing to admit.