[SAFECARE]

Hi,
My partner has been through a lot in his life, but for the past two years has developed something he says he can't control - he has intrusive sad memories and keeps saying things in a sad tone like "Please leave me alone", "I don't know", sometimes repeatedly. He doesn't seem to do it in front of friends, just when he's relaxed alone with me, or I hear him saying it when alone e.g. in the bathroom. I ask if he is okay, and he gets cross as I'm drawing his attention to unwanted thoughts. He'd rather I just comfort him with an "I love you", which I remember to do most of the time, but for example, just now he got angry because tired, I forgot what we had agreed, and asked if he is okay. When he got angry I explained I forgot the agreement and was just checking he is okay. I said I only asked because I care, and reminded him when I had issues I got help - so I didn't have to worry him, as it really worries me when he keeps saying to himself "please leave me alone", telling sad memories to go away. It upsets me a lot to hear, saddens me, makes me want to help. I've had an extremely difficult life, too, but I don't remind him every few hours, life is sad enough, I try to be present and focus on enjoying life now. I know life will never be perfect, but it would be good to just be happy once in a while. I think we're happy and laughing and relaxed for the evening, and then he says very sadly "please leave me alone" and I feel so down. I was abused by my family and need happiness. I've asked if he can keep his thoughts inside, he gets angry and says he can't control it. For the first 4 years of our relationship he didn't do this, only the last 2 years. What is it, and what should I do? Any thoughts gratefully received. Thank you.

[CANDC]

@SAFECARE welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your partner is weighed down with sadness. That must be rough on you.

You seem to have a good work around, but it takes some of the spontaneity out of a relationship when this is what you have to do. Changing your behavior avoids conflicts but does not solve the problem.

How does your partner respond when you suggest getting treatment of some kind, talk therapy and or med therapy? @CANDC

[SAFECARE]

Thank you SO much CANDC. He says he may get help eventually, but says he doesn't want to open up old wounds by talking about the past - it sounds like it might be a bit too much to bear. He says saying things like "please leave me alone" helps him to quickly divert attention from thoughts of his past, and it feels involuntary to him, the quickest way to shut these thoughts/memories down. He says he only does it when alone or with me because that's when he feels relaxed, so random memories from his past enter his head, e.g. if we're watching a favourite TV programme together.

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, @SAFECARE, Just wondering if he might be hearing voices?, & maybe having additional experiences? I do, & many, many times I say please leave me alone. Thank you for your post. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope things get better for both of you.

[SAFECARE]

Thank you for sharing your experiences, Breaking Dawn - I wonder if he is feeling the same as you and hearing voices. He just tells me he's blocking out bad memories or thoughts. I've tried researching online, to find out if this is a condition of some kind, but I can't find anything. He was very down today, then again tonight, and then we argued because he wouldn't tell me why until later on and it was over nothing - he thought I wasn't enjoying the programme we were watching, when I was. I was upset he hadn't just told me earlier, or asked when I could have told him it was all fine, rather than holding in worries, when I'd been asking if he is okay. I hope you are feeling okay today, and sending hugs back at you.

[Marie123]

I hope he will get help. What he doesn;t understand, is that talking about the trauma/pain will help.

[SAFECARE]

Thank you so much for sharing your insights, Breaking Dawn, these are great points, I will try to get him to see this. Sending thanks and hugs!

[Skeezyks]

I have a similar problem. Intrusive thoughts come to mind and I find myself (mostly mumbling) stuff related to them. I become especially "vocal", so to speak, when I'm alone taking my morning shower, shaving, etc. When we're together and I do it, my spouse will sometimes say: "what?" thinking I was talking to her. I typically just say: "Nothing" or, if she asks if I'm okay (which she sometimes does) I'll say: "I'm just tired". I don't know why I do this. Nor am I aware of any names for it. It's just something that happens. I look at it as simply being a sort of release valve for all of the pent-up depression and anxiety I carry around inside 24/7/365.

[SAFECARE]

Hi Skeezyks, thank you so much for sharing your experiences too, it's incredibly reassuring to know that others have similar behaviours, it seems to be a normal coping mechanism to difficult past experiences. I had an extremely traumatic abusive childhood and left my family a few years ago - I guess because I hadn't experienced this for myself, I am new to it and just want to help my partner however I can. Understanding it is a good start. I've seen 5 counsellors and psychologists, so have worked through my past, which might be a difference, I suppose. But at least now I know it's a coping mechanism that people find helpful. This forum and all the lovely people happy to share their experiences have been so helpful already, experts by experience! So, thank you for sharing, and I hope that you are feeling good today, or at least okay. I'm certainly grateful for your input, and that you cared to take the time to respond, you and all who have responded are much appreciated.

[Breaking Dawn]

Thank you so very much, @SAFECARE, for being here with us!, & for being so caring!

[SAFECARE]

Awww, thanks Breaking Dawn, hugs to all!

[AliceKate]

I talk out loud to myself, too. I lead conversations with people in my head and speak my part out aloud. I would believe him when he says he is talking to his intrusive thoughts unless you have any specific reason to believe he hears voices. Good luck to both of you. You are doing a great job supporting him and taking care of yourself at the same time.

[SAFECARE]

Thank you too for caring and sharing your experiences, AliceKate, it is much appreciated, these are really useful insights, and thank you for the luck! Wishing you all the very best of luck, too.