Not willing to dive in.

I just noticed something that feels different....I've normally spent my life looking for that special someone that will fulfil all my needs....I would then obsess over them and mentally stalk them...I had a friendship break down over xmas and it caused me a lot of a pain....but this turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me...I feel actually pleasently happy that the rut I was stuck in with this person is over...I didn't realise what a prison I had created by hanging on to this person...now someone else has come into my life and I noticed none of the obsessive thoughts are there...infact I was rather passive toward the person and felt something was missing...I later realised that the obsessive thoughts were missing....I wasn't planning ahead within hours of meeting this person nor did I really think anything else about what they were saying to me but what they were saying...there were no fantasys going on in my mind...it was like a meeting of 2 adults...it feels rather wierd at the moment though because I am so used to this part of me that normally clung onto someone immediately that I feel odd...I had this vision last night thinking about this and it was that suddenly I am standing outside a cave that I know I was once in, where I once felt safe but now I know I can't go back in there, and if truth be known dont want to either, and I know I now have to turn away from this cave that once meant so much to me and begin to walk into the unknown and though there are uncertainties about this, its also exciting and bit by bit the fears I really did have in the cave but refused to admit too are suddenly becoming apparent and it takes my breath away to think of all the time in the cave alone and thinking I was happy in there...does this make sense?

Makes lots of sense. I think it will sort of be like that for you the end of therapy, kind of how you'll feel about T and therapy all together. For me, it's like testing the site of a previous tooth problem after it's been repaired. It just feels odd, not bad, good in fact, but unfamiliar and a little bewildering at first.

I wanted to say wow that totally makes sense and you really have the right words when you talk about being in a cave and now your out of it . I feel like that explains me in a sense over the last year , you have changed and so have i and really it is a relief . It is like evolving for the better at least in one aspect when i never thought that was possible. Of course i have so many other things wrong that i dont know how to fix , maybe they will just kind of work themselves out over time.

Yeah the longing, searching are familiar. And the 'stalking' sounds like the shadowing they talk about here:

http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/border...ment-child.htm

I think this is a site Perna posted a link to a while ago. I am just now reading it and a lot of things are clicking. *sigh*

I only just remembered I posted this thread....and reading it, I am thinking, what the **** you talking about, your fantasies are as strong as ever...I read the link you posted Echoes, and I feel more hopeless having read it, like will I ever have "enought" of what T has to offer?? I mean the sending her my family photos and how wonderful that felt over the wkend, I felt I have been able to bring her into my family life, my wider world...and I was on a high and seeing how I desperately miss this feeling and how I am always looking for someone to make me theirs...and now this morning? its gone again, I feel all empty...I tried to tell myself that T is still there, what she offered me was real and I did feel it, unyet its still not enought...dam!!! I so dont want to talk about this with her today, I feel embarrased talking about how "filled" up I felt with her reply to my photo email..it feels so shameful....it feels soooooooooooooooo, oh I dunno, I just want to have that "filled" up feeling all of the time...I want T now more...I want her all of the time...but then I'd get annoyed if she walked out of the room for a moment if I did have her all the time...what is it I'm missing? what do I need to face? do I Need to mourn and finally accept we cannot have anyone all of the time??? because I wont believe that...I'm sure if I can just wish it hard enought, it will come true LOL!!!.

Well, blow me, I just walked straight into T and told her how I felt filled up the wkend with having shared photos of my kids with her...it felt the easiest thing to do....we talked a good deal about the fantasies...and I asked her developmently wise, how old am I? she said well your not just about that one deep wound, you have a very adult relationship outside with your husband...so there it is, I am now officialliy a grown up and not just a 3yr old ......