Scapegoat.

It hit me today....I'd always felt I was a scapegoat growing up, but only as much as I knew I was the one who was accused of stuff...but how else did it effect me?....I realise that whenver there was tension/unrest in the home the only way I could make sense of it, was to get involved and act worse then what was actually going on, to take the uncontrollable situation that was going on outside of my control and become the situation, to act out, to make all the negative energy going on within the family about me...that way it help ease the anxiety I would feel at being a passive onlooker to the maddness going on around me...instead of witnessing the cruelties going on in my home, I became cruel...as a child that would have been the only way I could make sense and attempt to control the uncontrollable, accept now its become so much a part of me that I've lost contact with the part of me that wasn't any of those things...its like its all come flooding back to me.....oh how wonderful for others to have the heat taken off them, to have a willing victim to take the weight of their shoulders...i know now why I feel triggered in group settings unyet not knowing why......my instinct is to take the nastiness/injustice/malice out a situation and to become those things...oh wow, now I can sit back and let others become responsible for themselves and not have to get involved in what isn't my mess....its not my responsibilty...I'm free at last!!!.....I get to discover who-I-AM whilst the maddness goes on around me...I think I'll get me a T-shirt with a big "LEAVE ME OUTTA THIS" printed on the front and on the back "GONE FISHIN" LOL

LOL on the teeshirt idea. What great things to realize.

I still have trouble with my confusion and "what happened?" feeling at always finding myself in the hallway in elementary school, from talking in class or other little misdemeanors until the teacher got rid of me. Never thought of them as attention-getting to deflect discomfort from another situation outside (or inside) me! But I was so anxiety ridden it amazed me to find myself "in trouble" or in the spotlight. I thought of myself, felt myself to be a "good girl" and couldn't understand how or why I'd misbehaved. It was like it wasn't my fault.

I'm not there yet, but good post

Fuzzy, Love the pic LOL!!!!

Perna, I can't imagine you being made to wait outside the classroom LOL!! you naughtie gal LOL!!!

Nice insight, again, Mouse. It isn't easy to look at your own behavior that way, but that's really the only way to change it. You have to understand it first, and you do.