[JUNGIAN]

Hi - I'm new here and looking for some insight into how to deal with a narcissistic personality disorder which I am not prepared to walk away from because of the children involved - thanks

[Perna]

Hi, Jungian, welcome to PsychCentral. There are lots of good post by and about Narcissists in this section on personality disorders; peruse and maybe you'll find something that helps you in your particular situation. There's a long, interesting article I like here:

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The narcissist is a human pendulum hanging by the thread of the void that is his False Self. He swings between brutal and vicious abrasiveness – and mellifluous, saccharine sentimentality. It is all a simulacrum. A verisimilitude. A facsimile. Enough to fool the casual observer. Enough to extract the drug – other people's glances – the reflection that somehow sustains this house of cards. But the stronger and more rigid the defences – and nothing is more resilient than narcissism – the bigger and deeper the hurt the narcissist aims to compensate for. One's narcissism stands in direct relation to the seething abyss and the devouring vacuum that one harbours in one's True Self. Perhaps narcissists, as they are often accused, do choose narcissism. But it may be a rational choice of self-preservation and survival. The paradox is that being a self-loathing narcissist may be the only act of true self-love the narcissist ever commits.

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From: http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/17.htm

[selfy]

whos got NPD? and whats your whole situation may i ask?

[JUNGIAN]

Thank you - I do intend to do some searching - that quote was superb!

[VoNPD]

FAQ's on NPD.

I have learned a lot from this link. Saved my life, I'm sure.

[Mouse_]

Everything I have ever read on the net about NPD may be accurate in its suming up, but as my T says, its rather a harsh perspective...a harsh way to deal with another humanbeing.

[Rapunzel]

Good point, mouse. And another thing that people forget is that everyone has narcissistic traits. It only becomes a disorder when the narcissistic traits are out of balance to the point that it interferes with living one's life, and becomes problematic. Most of us don't like to see the narcissistic qualities in ourselves.

[skeeweeaka]

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JUNGIAN said:
Thank you - I do intend to do some searching - that quote was superb!

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I was wondering also what your experience has been. My T thinks my exhusband has the disorder and I am looking for people who have it to talk with... We are divorced and thinking about getting back together....

I have to say that the problems that I have read have not really been issues with us...our problems started after we relocated to another city early in our marriage...my home town. He wanted to lave the city we were in and although I had just relocated back to that city after 3 years of commuting, I said okay... I don't know but for whatever reason he wanted to experience another city.... be the upwardly mobile professional. Since I felt like I was marketable and didn't want to rain on his parade, I said yes. However, when we moved to the city all hell broke loose. Now I am not saying there were not issues before, but they were small issues which turned out to be big issues in the end... Him not paying a bill, him boring money when we were dating and never paying it back, etc.

Anyway when we moved things were great, he had a great job and I landed a great job through a temp agency... Then he started complaining about the job, constantly, I started to worry but put it out of my mind because he had always kept a job... Then one day I came home early and he was there and it felt wierd like something was going on... I questioned him and he told me that he got fired.... Of course,, we were in a new city and it wasw all their fault...nothing he had done. I was working and we were renting at the time so I could afford to pay the rent...but instead of immediately getting a job, he waited until unemployment ran out then started looking.... Well that didn't sit well with me so we argued about it....

Over the years it seemed like a pattern, get a job,, get fired...get unemployment....wait til it expired...then look for a job seriously... Then I got pregnant and thought he would get a job instead of sit on unemployment, but he didn't. During most of my pregnancy he was unemployed. During the fourth month of my pregnancy he was supposed to be saving money, we both were for a down payment on a car. He said he had the money, and I had the money, my share, so we went looking for the car. When we went to negotiate and pay, he said he left his check book at home. I said okay I'll just write the full balance and you can give me the rest when we get home.... Now you might wonder why no joint account.....he was always overdrawing the account....money I put in would be gone! I had enough one time and was done!

Anyway, when we get home from the dealership with this brand new red sports car, he then tells me he hasn;t worked in weeks. Now mind you, I am pregnant, and you just lied so we could get a shiny new sports car and we have one income.... I was furious and couldn't believe it....also I let him talk me into getting a stick although I couldn't drive a stick...he would teach me how to drive it hah! Two months later, we were in a six car pile up and the car was totaled...I took the money and brought a used car for him to drive since he was the only one driving it...albeit another sports car. I almost lost the baby and so my doctor put me on bed rest, now no income so I had to beg my boss to allow me to work from home so that we had an income and he did...he still didn't get a job! Now I am not the kind of person who doesnt work, never wanted to stay at home, not that there is anything wrong with that, but when I needed him the most, he was not there!

Anway, our marriage was full of him not working, going into companies wanting to be more than he was....these were good sales rep jobs with company cars and expense accounts but he just does't know how to work his way up the ladder, he wants to be the boss....a professional.

After the baby was born, I decided that if he didn't change I was going to leave him now this decision was hard for me because he helped with all the chores around the house, was a great parent, and really has a great personality, didn't cheat on me, enjoyed doing things together, really enjoyed the good life, but not the part where you have to pay for it!

So, when my daughter was about a year and our lease was up I signed a new lease just under my name, scheduled the move and told him I was leaving, and moved....left him in the apartment alone. He, however, came knocking on the door and told me he had no place to go. I told him after my mother talked to me and told me to give hm another chance, that if things did't change I would divorce him.

Okay, so he landed a job in retail and worked that although he complained about it but he kept that job...then he got a lead on another job and decided that he had that job after 3 interviews and quit the retail job before even getting an offer. He didn't get the job, so he was jobless again! Again, I was furious....he promised he would get another job soon. The problem was that he refused to take ANY job, it had to be the job, one specific job that he would focus on for months and months of networking, callling, etc. until he got the job.

The problem was that this job required him to travel in a neighboring city an hour away.... He immediately started talking about moving there. Now with his history, and a baby to take care of, I was not about to uproot myself and follow him again after five years of craziness.... So, I told him that he would have to commute for a year, if after a year he still had the job then I would move. In the meantime, I suggested that we pay his cousin who lived there money to allow him to rent a room during the week and he come home on the weekends....he said no. It just wasn't possible. So he worked this job, with a company car, and expense account until they fired him. They fired him because it was in the contract for him to move to the city, that is what he says anyway.... Of course, I will never know the real story.... After that I divorced him because I was tired of taking care of him and our dd....

Now after 8 years of being divorced we havce been thinking about getting back together....I won't pretend to tell you that things have been good on his end or my end. I am BP diagnosed a year after our divorce. He has been living with his relatives in the state we used to live in, most of the time now paying child support, some of the time homeless, and I've been worried about him the entire time. I still love him and yes he is a good father, except for the support issues... For him, he was hurt by the divorce but did well because I gave him a car and furniture....another long story.

I've struggled for a long time to understand his behavior, My T thinks he is somewhat narcisstic.... He's now in school trying to finish his degree and has been there for over a year. He had about a years worth of credits left. Some how he got the school to pay all of his tuition, room and board, etc...except for books... Before that, he was homeless living in shelters. This is a very intelligent man, always dressed very well. Even when he was homeless you would not have known it by looking at him. By talking to him you would think he was a Mayor or PR person, etc. He is currently struggling because he had two language classes that he is having a difficult time with and the school cut the funding so he is trying to find a job on campus so he can pay for the two classes and his apartment. He is 48 years old this month.

One part of me wants to say he never abused me, but he lied, cheated, and eventually forged my name for a credit card account when we were married because his credit was so poor. We couldn't get a house in both are names because of his poor financial decisions. Never has paid student loan people.... I think it has tripled. Judge put him in jail for 30 days for nonpayment of child support...

Okay, I ask myself what am I thinking... Well my daughter needs her father in her life. I love him and want our family back together. A part of me thinks he is trying to improve his life and has even been in therapy. He has agreed to full therapy if we get back together. Since I have bipolar and social anxiety disorder, it is difficult on my daughter, she really has no life until he comes around... I try, I am doing the best I can but it is not enough. It is starting to affect her in school and she is usually a honor roll student.

Some of what I have read about N is true about him, but most is not. Although, he has lost many friends because he took advantage of their kindness... He really just has us now. Most of those friends he owes money to but spins it in another direction.... I know better!

Both parents are deceased. His mother died when he was 18 in front of him, a stroke. His father died the year I divorced him of cancer, I did wait until after he was buried to divorce him because his father consstantly begged me not to divorce him, said it would kill him.

He tells me that depression set in after the divorce and resulted in the homelessness... I had an epiphany one day this summer and it was that the person that I thought he was, he is not. That was all a facade that he wants people to believe in and I bought into that. It was hard letting go of that facade, but I have.

I think with counseling and said boundaries that we can have a wonderful life together after all of this mess.... Okay, tell me what you think.... Is it possible for him to change and for us to have a life together...

TJ