[justmicki]

I was just diagnosed with Borderline Personality and I'm terrified.
I was dating this guy, who I was absolutely in love with.
We were together for just shy of 5 months, but I loved him, I still love him.
We broke up because of my behavior, caused by being Borderline...

When I was given information, while at the hospital, about BPD, it scared me, because everything that pushed my, now ex, boyfriend away, was all laid out in this information.
It makes me think that our entire relationship was just a symptom of my problem. I wonder if, had I known about my BPD, if he would have understood and stuck it out, because he loved me, or if things would have happened out the way that they did.

In turn, it scares me from wanting to move forward into a new relationship. I'm afraid then when someone finds out, that they won't be able to deal with it. That it will be too much for them to handle.
I'm absolutely terrified.

And to make it all worse, I want nothing more then to tell my ex and hopefully, he will understand.
But after I was hospitalized last week for trying to kill myself, he told me that he doesn't want anything more to do with me, because he lost all respect for me for trying to commit suicide.
I want to give him time to deal with what happened before I throw this news at him, but I'm afraid he won't ever speak to me again, or even acknowledge that I have a problem.
I do love him, I love him so much, and I regret every time I ever pushed him away and I regret how things ended, and that I did something so stupid.
But I'm afraid its all gone too far and no matter what, he won't forgive me.
I don't know how to cope with all of this.