[Mark2011]

Hey all. I've been browsing around on here for sometime now and decided to finally take the time to post about some of the problems I am dealing with to see what you all think. After doing a lot of research it seems to me that I might have BPD, however being a college student paying his own way through college I can't afford to actually go see a specialist to get their opinion so I thought it would just be nice to see what others would say.

I'm currently a sophomore in college and have a realitively good life. However, about a year ago, I started to feel as if I wasn't being myself. I seem to have developed different ways of acting around different people (which usually changes based on the day or who I am around at the moment). The only time I am really "myself" is when I am in a very deep and usually emotional conversation with someone in private. Because of this, there are numerous problems with my friendships and I feel as if I am lieing to them about who I really am and its not fair that they don't know the real me. I sometimes get to the point where I don't really know who the "real me" is anymore which leads to anxiety and severe depression.

I am also very insecure about my friendships/relationships and have a tendency to open up too much to people. I believe most of this insecurity stems from a past relationship I had in which I had invested a lot and ended up breaking down due to lies she had been telling me. I am always worried that when I open up to someone, their view of me will change which will lead to our friendship/relationship changing for the worse and this constantly gets in the way and ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy and things end up going south because I feel a need to ask, almost daily or weekly if things are ok between us and their view of me hasn't changed. This may lead to my friendships/relationships failing because they may get annoyed with me asking or their views may very well have changed but either way things usually go south.

I also have an extreme problem with abandonment issues (or what I would consider abandonment, please correct me if this isn't the correct term for it). I find myself doubting that people really want to be friends with me or want to talk with me etc. For example, if I am talking with someone and then they don't return a call or suddenly stop a conversation short without explaining why. Immediatly, it comes to mind that this person is trying to avoid me or doesn't want to be associated with me which I realize almost all times is not the case and it may just be that they are busy doing something. However, none the less I still feel this way everytime and the questioning of a friendship/relationship really leads to problems for obvious reasons.

I also had problems with suicide after the relationship I mentioned earlier that ended due to several lies that had been told. I don't deal with it really anymore but I think it is still important to mention.

I realize this is extremely long and I apologize for that and I would like to thank you for taking the time to read through this.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Mark, and welcome. I wonder if you might have some social anxiety, or depression. I don't know enough to say for sure, and of course we can't really assess anyone over the internet anyway, but what you are talking about doesn't quite feel like BPD to me, although you are pretty distressed and concerned about being able to connect with people and maintain relationships. It does sound like you can connect with at least some people, which is good. It could be mainly that you are more comfortable having a few close relationships than with trying to be friends with a lot of people. There is a continuum of introversion through extroversion, and you probably fall more on the introversion end. Which can be normal if that is simply who you are and you need to find a place in life that is comfortable for you.

If you feel that you need therapy, most colleges and universities do have free counseling centers for students, so that might be something for you to look into. Adjusting to college and finding your way in the world can be difficult for a lot of people, and if you feel that you need help with these things, then you should ask for help.

I'm not sure if I answered what you wanted answered, so let us know if there is anything that we can do to help you too.

TC,
Rap