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My husband literally tortured me when he was alive, making me think I was going nuts. I have since discovered he had NPD. I was always cleaning up his messes. The last 3 messes he made I could not "fix". He died on 1/6/09 from a cardiac arrest brought on by smoking meth. He was literally pronounced dead at the scene (this was on 12/27/08). He went 25 minutes without oxygen, which caused an anoxic brain injury. I knew he had a hard life growing up, but he never filled me in or shared with me. While in the hospital when his family came in and totally "took over" trying to have me thrown out of the hospital, wanted me left out of all meetings. Hospital stepped in an sent clergy to my aide. That 1 1/2 weeks were pure heck on me and my kids. He clearly had brain damage. (blank black stare, no response, growled or goaned, thrashing.) When his family members came in he clearly got aggitated at their presense. And either the nurses asked them to leave and if they were not there, I did. My question is this. After finding out that his biggest fear was losing me, (I went back to school, got a job even though he did not want me too. I became self dependant. I had too because he would not provide for the family. Welfare here in MN is only 15 months and I already had to use 12 months of it.) We also figured out he started using Meth about the time he quit his job (and his sister started coming over quite frequently then too.) The one and only thing that bothers me is that I pushed him into an overdose or he commited suicide because I was gaining independance. He had given me an ultimatum 3 weeks before. (Either I chose my daughter and grandkids or him). I said, "Good-bye" no hesitation. ( I was already suspecting drug use.. nothing he did or said was making sense to me. Teeth were falling out, could not hold a job. He was staying at his sisters home because my son got kicked out of my mom's home. He said he would be more comfortable there if he had one of us there. Son is autistic by the way, and he had no problems living there without his dad. Last words from my husband to me were "watch your back" and he threatened me. I told him to take his meth mouth talk somewhere else. He had told my son later I accused him of doing meth. ( I had gone through the alcoholic stage with my husband before we got married. I always told him if went back to drinking or started doing drugs I would walk out and never come back.
I am dependant, paranoid, borderline, avoidant and bi-polar (just to name a few) My biggest fear at the moment is that I drove him to his death. This is what his family is telling everyone.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Diane

Gosh love!! You are not responsible for your husbands death........he made choices that you had no say in........why would you have any say in his death?

Bit harsh, sorry, but my sons biological father committed suicide on Xmas day, 2008. Drug overdose. I was filled with rage because he was such a deads$$t and he couldn't even try to get help to stay alive. I am over it now but my son certainly could have done without it

You are not responsible and neither am I.......I am glad that despite all your fears, you see yourself as independant and you can be there for your kids. Your husbands family sound like they need medication and a short stint in a psychiatric facility.........

Please feel free to msg me.......you definately need some support to talk about this......keep posting and let us know how you are going....

Oh honey, Micah is so right. your husband's death, even if he did overdose deliberately, is in no way your fault. He made his choices, and you did what you had to do for yourself & your family. Please don't tear yourself up about this: it's him & his family who deserve your anger, not yourself.

Thank you Beth and Micah.

I could have gone all my life without finding out what his family said. I know my husband was a grown man and made his own choices. I just want to thank you for confirming that. Once I get an idea in my head it just bugs me. Then started wondering if my kids thought that as well. (They don't think I had anything to do with his death. I got brave and asked them!)
I spent 17-years with a man who loved me the best that he could. I always told him his actions didn't fit his words. I also told other people his love is pain and torture. But like the book, "I hate you, don't leave me."
When we would seperate, the pain inside me was unbearable. I would do anything to get rid of it even take him back. So I did. Over and over and over again. I knew our relationship was toxic. But I couldn't let him go.
I was in a one sided relationship. I was mother-father, grandma-grandpa to the kids. When he died I started researching verbal abuse and found narcissism. That is when I discovered myself. I am now working on ways of coping with the avoidant, dependant, paranoid personalities. I don't worry too much about the borderline anymore I seem to have discovered in time how to deal with certain issues. The rages have diminished greatly.
Again, Thanks a bunch. I feel better knowing that others don't see me as being responsible for his death. (Why I worry about what his family says, I have no idea.)

Have a great day!

Diane