[Locust]

I don't know if there's much point in writing this. I don't have alters. I am one person. But I used to refer to diff. parts of myself as "she" or "her". Sometimes, I still do, just not as often. But I have always known that it's all me, just diff. parts of my personality that sometimes come out much stronger than other times, and sometimes some of them all, but dissapear. But my basic personality is usually pretty much the same.

I have had some BPD tendencies, so maybe this goes along with that. The need to cut myself into parts (like she and her instead of just me) because of the black and white thinking that I had more at the time. It was difficult for me to see myself as a decent person. Maybe it was easier to think of it as some part of me that was cut off from the rest, but I KNEW it was me. That it was not some foreign person in me. I knew I was responsible. But I still said she. Maybe because those parts of me......I felt diff. when that part of my personality was at the forefront, and I did things that seemed foriegn to who I usually was.

But the one that really gets me was this particular part of myself. You know the whole angel and devil on the shoulder? I think we all have internal struggles between those parts of ourself, but I feel like I have an angel, and two devils. One of them is just the usual bad side of the self, but one of them is worse. The only time she showed up for a lengthy time period was right after a painful breakup. Only this was diff. than the other times. And this is what confuses me.

When it happened then, not only did I have a big personality change, but small things about me changed. Things I had done the same way my whole life changed. I had been the type of person who had trouble making eye contact and suddenly, as though someone flipped a switch, I was staring like a snake. Instead of needing to force myself to look at people, I had to remind myself to look away. Also, even the way I opened a pop changed. My entire life, I used a lot of force on the pop can tab and the little flap over the hole always went ENITRELY down in. I HATED it the other way and I always knew which pop was mine because of this, if the other people were the type to open it only a little. but during that time, it suddenly switched to opening about half way or less every time. It was a small thing but another sudden change as the personality had changed, and I had ALWAYS done it differently. To this day, I still do it the halfway SOMETIMES, but now I do the all the way in thing more often again, and my eye contact is somewhere in between, I guess. I was normally somwehat shy, but that just died, too for the most part when I was in that mode, but now I am somewhere in between, I guess.

When I was talking about it to some people on PC recently, someone asked my current age. I almost told them the age I was then. I know that's prob. just because that time was in my head, but it made me feel odd. Yet, I was AWARE during that period. I was conscious of what I was doing and I was responsible. It wasn't like I had lost control to someone else. I was me, that was me. And I never lost time. But it wasn't like me. I wasn't that way before to that degree, nor was I that way since. Plus, I just find it odd that the way I opened my pop (a small thing) and my eye contact (a bigger thing) suddenly changed just like someone flipped a switch, after YEARS of being one way.

It was bizzare also, because people would stare at me all the time then, even if I was acting perfectly casual, dressed casually, etc. I know it wasn't paranoia because my good friend and her boyfriend BOTH noticed the same thing, and the staring was to a degree that was ABNORMAL. You know how people normally turn away when you catch them staring? Groups of people would stare, and as soon as I caught them- they kept staring. I'd finally break my look and when I looked back- still staring! It got so bad that I couldn't confuse it with me simply being paranoid, anymore and my friend also was saying things like, "WTF?! Why are people staring at us like this?!" Also, even her boyfriend said he noticed it.

I don't know what I'm trying to get to. I guess I just wonder what would cause something like this.

[Michah]

Hey there,

I know exactly what you mean........

I was dx schizoeffective and bpd 15 years ago.......and i also have an alter ego.

We live quite well together now and occassionally he pops out.........he looks like a werewolf. He only emerges when I suffer intense rage which doesn't happen much now. I call them demon runs.

There is an earlier post on this personality forum called "Let me howl". It kind of explains how i feel.

I sometimes get people look at me strangely too......my partner thinks it is really cool that I make people behave strangely. I am never aware of it either........he calls me his "canine woman" with great affection.

Sounds mental? You might be right........but for the first time in my life I am understood by my perfectly sane boyfriend and friends........and i have learn't to cherish my furry protector........he has gotten me out of many a bad situation..... and gotten me into a few!

Learn to love your other side........you never know when you might need it.

[Beth1957]

Originally Posted by Michah

Hey there,

<snip>

Learn to love your other side........you never know when you might need it.

That is such amazingly cool & brilliant advice, Micah.
I've always tended to clamp down hard on the "other me", to the extent of not letting him/her form.
I think the time has come to let him/her grow, & to learn to live in harmony. I really feel, at this moment, that this would help resolve a lot of inner conflict.
Thank you, Micah

[notz]

Thank you for your post. It gives me a rather inconspicuous place where I can say, I have only recently acknowledged/admitted/consciously concurred/realized that I have "parts".

That's all I can say right now.

notz

[Michah]

We definately need to start a "other parts" club!!

I know how difficult it is at first.......so many years I was terrified.......like I had no control........and the more he appeared, the more medication I was put on and probably for good reason!

I am so glad that you got something from my post Beth and Notz......I like to think that we are united in our quest for acceptance, love and undertsanding of ourselves.......all the parts.

I don't fear him anymore.......though I do need to work sometimes to control him.........and its sad that he doesn't appear as much anymore...

But he is close........I know he is there for me if I need him......

[Rapunzel]

I have parts too. Locust, it's like you described it. We share one memory and are one person. But there are at least 3-4 different ego fragments that tend to be at war with each other. There is a professional part, which really doesn't do emotions, which isn't the best since I'm a therapist and need to deal with emotions - mine and other people's. I think that the professional part split - now there is a behaviorist part, which has taken over and tried to get me out of dealing with emotions by suggesting problem-solving and other less emotional techniques instead. I have a self-destructive angry part, and a part that is trying to put things together and figure out my life and heal and have friends and do healthy things. There are probably more too.