[SICKlySweet]

Ok this is going to seem like a ramble; here it goes

ugh...anxious

When I want to stop doing old behaviors and yet I still seem to do them when my anxiety takes over the functioning of my brain. Supposed to use my mindfulness practices for this, how can one do that when on the phone with someone for the first time, I stutter, there are long periods of silence, and I can't even remember to say take care at the end of the convo. Heck I can't even think of my vocabulary.

Now I am worried that I came across as some kind of slow dummy. That I am incompetent. I am meeting someone new tomorrow for an hours run. I am pretty sure they will be there. (and that they could tell I was nervous) but I keep thinking bad thoughts like they won't be there, and they will just have been turned off. I know this is all in my head. But I am worried none the less.

Another big problem; I am afraid to be put down about things by ppl, and yet I will say it first. It's like I can hear this word vomit coming out of my mouth, and I am thinking "why oh why am I saying this" and all the time that I am thinking it, I am still spewing....

And than even though I am aware that I am doing this, and I know why I do it after (because at that time I am, wanting to just stop and I can't) , and that it takes practice, I BEAT MYSELF up about it afterwards. And than I have to tell myself to shudup. Shudup thoughts Shudup.

One of my T's that I go to see, I brought up that when I don't say anything negative, I Don't Know What To Say.

IDK, if you have reassurance, pointers, things in common and what works for you, other Mindfulness skills I could use when on the phone or something similar to that... most appreciated

[Rapunzel]

That's hard, and I relate to a lot of it. I don't have a lot of good answers, but maybe write down what you want to say on the phone, so that you don't have to worry about remembering it or coming up with as many ideas or wordings. And practice, and reward yourself. When you catch yourself worrying, rehearse one time in your mind how you would like it to go. Thinking about what could go wrong programs your brain to set exactly that up. Try to focus on the positive instead, and what you do want to do or say. They you will be programming yourself for success.

[Locust]

Hi SicklySweet,

I wish I knew how to tell you to overcome this, but sadly have no real advice. I just wanted you to know I can relate.

I also worry that people can tell I am nervous. I don't know if this is too personal for you, but sometimes it helps me to say that I am nervous, so I know it's not the big, unspoken elephant in the room. What are the mindfulness techniques for? Do they distract from the conversation when you are concentrating on them?

I can REALLY relate to this: "....I am afraid to be put down about things by ppl, and yet I will say it first....." I do this all the time. I feel like, they are going to think it anyway. If I say it first, it reduces the impact of them saying it to me. Also, I feel like, at least they'll know I'm not so pathetic that I can't SEE that I suck, or why I suck. If that makes any sense. But then, I worry now that if people DON'T notice these bad things about me, my mentioning them will highlight them and make them more likely to notice my faults, so I do this a little less now.

Try to remember, quite often, our own "faults" seem more obvious to us than to others. Also, sometimes, what we see as faults, other people do not see as faults at all. I know it's difficult. It sounds to me like you need to focus on working with your self esteem. There is a board on the forums just for that. Sorry I am no more help than this. Good luck.

[shezbut]

Hi SICKlySweet !

I can relate to this post more than I can possibly express. I have neurological impairment, which greatly effects my memory. As a result, I have this very same problem every day. I, too, beat myself up for not remembering already.

The more I beat myself up (in the moment), the chances of recall become lower & lower. I can see that the two are connected. I have to try very hard whenever that self-negativity comes out, to repress it. I don't know if that's the healthy thing - but it's my way of getting past the temporary whirlwind of intense self-negativity. I just push it to the side, as much as possible, and try to get myself back in the prior train of thought. Less pressure I feel in that moment, greater chance of being able to remember.

I'm just amazed to see that our self thoughts are the same in those moments ! Best wishes to you

Shez

[Beth1957]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Hi SICKlySweet !

I can relate to this post more than I can possibly express. I have neurological impairment, which greatly effects my memory. As a result, I have this very same problem every day. I, too, beat myself up for not remembering already.

The more I beat myself up (in the moment), the chances of recall become lower & lower. I can see that the two are connected. I have to try very hard whenever that self-negativity comes out, to repress it. I don't know if that's the healthy thing - but it's my way of getting past the temporary whirlwind of intense self-negativity. I just push it to the side, as much as possible, and try to get myself back in the prior train of thought. Less pressure I feel in that moment, greater chance of being able to remember.

I'm just amazed to see that our self thoughts are the same in those moments ! Best wishes to you

Shez

Me too, Sicklysweet. Just wish I could give you an answer...
Oh, and I have short-term memory probs too, Shez.

[Michah]

I spent years beating myself up over it!!! The only time I am ever confident speaking, is about atomic theory....... I was at uni doing my science degree when I had a manic episode so I had to defer........but that time was the first time I found my true voice. I was around people I could talk to about my passion.

My point is stop beating yourself up!!! Who cares what people think.......and often you don't sound nearly as confused as you feel.......

You are a bright intelligent person........people need to tune into your frequency, not you to theirs.

I still get people look at me strangely........but i like it now......Its almost like i know something they don't.......and as long as I am polite, compassionate and listen to people, then I can live with my strange head.

Love your confused self!!! You are precious.......