[Amazonmom]

Oh boy. I did a search on Facebook for people who went to the same university as I did. I went through the list and OMG.

There was the name of the guy that almost raped me. I could barely breathe, I thought I was going to throw up. The memories are constantly going through my head. I am terrified all the time, even though I know the *** lives in Virginia, and I live in Washington. The idea that I lived within 100 miles of the *** for over 10 years freaks me out. I don't even think I am afraid of him in the here and now, but it's the past that seems like yesterday coming at me.

Nothing really happened. A friend of mine showed up and realized I was in deep trouble, and got me out of there. NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME. I probably was leading him on, but I didn't mean to. I was so careful to tell him I didn't want that sort of a relationship. I always paid my own way, didn't get physically involved...How can I be so weak?

I have no right to feel scared.
I have no right to have PTSD.

Then why do I feel this way?

[cantstopcrying]

Whoa there! Slow down and take a breath....then be gentle with yourself. Starting with the title to your thread---is ISN'T stupid. Something brought back memories for you, memories that caused fear and self-doubt. That's very real. You say NOTHING happened, but something enough happened to make your friend see you were in trouble and needed help. The fact that the possibility existed for there to have been "something" is very terrifying. Saying you have no "right" to have PTSD is minimizing your thoughts, minimizing an experience that for you was damaging and fearful. When it comes to rape, or near-rape, saying things such as "I probably led him on" does NOT give anyone the right to do things to you, led on or not. It is such a guilt-ridden experience, the victim blaming herself (or himself) for everything from being in a particular location to dressing provocatively. None of that makes it ok for someone to violate you. Even though, as you say, nothing happened, enough happened for you to be scared. Please, don't add to your pain and trauma by beating yourself up saying it was probably your fault or that you don't have a right to feel these things. These are your feelings, you have a right to them, no one can dictate what you should or shouldn't feel. The fact is, you DO feel them. Now you can deal with them, process them, talk through them and move toward healing.

[skeksi]

I don't even think I am afraid of him in the here and now, but it's the past that seems like yesterday coming at me.

This is PTSD, this is what it means--you know it's the past, but it feels like the present. How traumatizing, to feel like you are stuck back there in that moment.

Your feelings make sense. You are entitled to them. You were attacked and though you escaped physically, simply being attacked is devastating. You feel the way you do because that's how you feel. Feelings don't require justification. I know how hard that is to believe, but it's true.