taking alot right now not to hide
no words
just scared, angry, terrrified, panic
i'll take another pill
take a nap
hope when i wake up it's not in a closet
saw T today
will see her tomorrow
trying to stay present till then......
damn! damn! damn!
i WAS doing well.......

[Catherine2]

white_iris, hugs if all right

It stinks to feel so rotten after feeling we were making progress...and I'm so sorry that you are going through it.

My own experience was I was still making progress, albeit not the way I expected...but the feelings those events triggered in me had to be addressed as well as the events.
The feelings of fear and anger boiled over, if I was to get better then I had to let them out
not let go of them but let them out
very hard but very worth it.

Please know you are in my thoughts as you walk this path of healing, especially so when you feel like you walked into a brick wall.

Catherine

[Sannah]

Iris, I am sorry that you are in distress .

Good post Catherine...........

posted in DD forum that sister--who was very abusive in childhood til time of marriage is coming to town and wants to see me.....
much time has passed since i last saw or spoke to her.
Now and then are colliding with insiders throwing memories in all directions.
T and I are working on this from all angles and have several options, plans etc.
she is talking to insiders about their "stuff"
I don't even know where or who I am at the moment.
frantically trying to put out fires and keep everyone safe.
HAHAHA!!! I'm a single fire fighter putting on the "big one" in southern CA...
Do I let it just burn or call for phantom re-enforcements that may never even find me in the midst of the smoke and flame.......
One minute at a time
tool box is open and every tool is used or being used
just can't seem to find the right ones to fit....

[Pikku Myy]

Hi there You are not alone... I never know when my episodes start as well Very scary.... and very alone Hugs friend!!!

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by white_iris

I don't even know where or who I am at the moment.
frantically trying to put out fires and keep everyone safe.
HAHAHA!!! I'm a single fire fighter putting on the "big one" in southern CA...
Do I let it just burn or call for phantom re-enforcements that may never even find me in the midst of the smoke and flame.......
One minute at a time
tool box is open and every tool is used or being used
just can't seem to find the right ones to fit....

WI,
heck, lady, let the darn thing burn--one firefighter is not going to put it out, and the phantom re-enforcements got lost on 101.
In other words, please try and stop the frantic and painful hurrying/worrying/etc..
Jmo, but the only thing of great importance is grounding yourself, being kind to you, know that it's another frigging (sorry) episode but you will get through it.

Re the sister---is this visit causing you distress, WI? Sorry to be so nosy...
I meet my sisters on my terms; time and place. They do not come to my home. If they have some big thing to say, they can say it while we sit outside Starbucks drinking tea. This way I have control--get in my car and leave...which I've done.
They no longer live in my head rent free.

We care, please keep posting
post 10,000 times if it will help you get through all of this pain.

Catherine

[phoenix7]

((((White Iris)))))

I am sorry you are so triggered at the moment - I can understand that if your sister is coming to see you - do you have a better relationship now?

my eldest sister was violent to me and it has been a long time - we have come to a sort of ...peace..... it still hurts for me and im sure it stil hurts for you - try to do at least one nice thing for you today - stop and smell some flowers - take a moment and just breathe.... cuddle everyone up and tell them you will get through this together and it will be ok.

We will all be here with you - holding your hand if ok - helping you stand through this - you have come to the right place and we are here - you are not alone ...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by white_iris

sister--who was very abusive in childhood til time of marriage is coming to town and wants to see me.....

Iris, you are a very capable adult and I am sure that you and your therapist can come up with a plan that will keep you safe. I am sure that many of your littles are very frightened, though. I hope that you and T can find many ways to calm and reassure them.

Thank you all for hearing me

Saw T again today. Yes, it is R (sister) who has triggered everything. She will be in the area and staying in a motel about an hour away. She can't come to my house as she has asthma and I have dogs---very good for me

We, H, T and I have come up with a feasable plan--H will take part of the day off and we will go visit. R makes jewelry and will be bringing some of her work and a couple pieces that I really like. So I will spend some time
with her and H wll be sitting in another area but close. Then we will offer to take her to supper (if everything has gone ok to that point--if not, we will just leave.)

While I, the adult am doing ok, inside is in turmoil. One insider talked to T today and I heard the horrible things R did. No place was safe.
Don't want to tell details as there is no way to say without concern about upsetting anyone. But there was total terror as insider told....now ther is terror that she DID tell what she was threatened to never tell.....
Damned if we do tell, damned if we don't.

I lived in a houshold of violence and fear. no safe place. no stepping stones that didn't explode. Now, those things that I was protected from and don't have memory of are now being shown to me on the big screen with full surround sound in 3D.

Doesn't matter if I see R or not. Pandora's box is fully opened and tho I know that it is just memories and they can't hurt me and all of that "stuff" that T tells me and insiders, I 'm not sure she understands the magnitude of everything. Yes, I know the tools to try and lessen this. Yes, I know grounding and all of the "healthy" things to do.

But I am exhausted. One memory triggers another and I've tried making the screen smaller or turning the volume down and all the "mind tricks" but I've already seen, heard and felt and now I am in the midst of the whole thing.......

Does anyone understand what I am saying????
Present life is calm, safe and secure......on the outside.
My mind is taking over
and I feel helpless.......

sorry for the long post.

[Catherine2]

WI,...I am sorry
***************Possible Trigger***********
8888888888888Please--Possible Trigger8888

Yes, I understand what you are sharing...it was a hell of its' own kind when I stopped keeping secrets. My main abuser had threatened to kill me, just as he had the others...
The first time I tried to tell my T, I threw up and ran out of his office. The second time, I wrote a tiny bit of what had happened...and I just knew this T was gonna call the cops and have me arrested as an accessory.
I called him, and in a deadly calm voice, asked him if he was going to have the police there at our next session. I wanted to be able to tell my kids goodbye.

My kids...I barely let them out of sight when they were not in school and I was off shift. I was terrified he was going to go after my children. He lived a thousand miles away...
It eased after awhile.
Eased.

Yeah, on the outside I was strong, working as a psych nurse at the state hospital, working on-call weekends for one of the nursing homes, took care of the house...
ah heck, you know the appearance, the mask we put on

Inside I was shaky, shaking, on high alert, no appetite, and felt like my insides were raw.

It's so wonderful you have this plan, and I know you will handle as much as you can while taking care of you...

Thank you for being so honest about how you feel inside, WI.
Know that you are in my heart...

Catherine

[phoenix7]

there is a technique T taught me - maybe its worth a try - if you want to - you put the memory on a screen in a cinema - you are in the cinema watching it - then you are the projectionist watcing you watching the movie of the memory - you play the memory backwards in black and white - then forwards in colour 3 times really really fast - then you see the film end and the movie screen shrinks to a tiny dot and disappears

it works with some memories

its hard and painful dealing with these memories - when doors open they are not always the things we want to see behind them... and once a door is open there is no way to close it - or thats what i have found ....

sitting with you till your sister leaves - hoping it goes well for you - glad you have a plan (hugs if ok)

Thanks Phoenix--T has worked with me on a similar exercise. Been trying to do it. And it works for a bit then another "movie" starts.

I know it is called flooding.
And very true to it's name.

Worked on "normal things" today--freezing squash, picking stuff from the
garden, making plans to make pickles on Monday.....normal things for me anyway as I have a large garden.

It's a bit better.
Cept the feelings---heaviness, churning stomach, deep deep sadness for the little girl I see in the memories. She's not me. She's a terrified little girl with so much responsibility and so much physical pain from what is happening to her.......

i want to tell the memory
I want to somehow get it out of my head.
I want to have someone hold the little girl and protect her
I am so ashamed--I can't. It hurts too much. I have to walk away.
I have to leave......T says to hold and reassure her.....
I am a failure.
I am really not as loving and caring I guess as ppl think---
If I was, I would hold her.

She has survived it once---she can do it again.

I'm just not sure I can..........

[phoenix7]

White Iris - I could have written that post - I am so sorry you are going through this - the only thing I can say is it does get better - its sooo hard - and its sooo painful and it hurts so much and so deeply and I know it seems like it will never end but it must and it will

you can do this -we are here with you - sitting wiht you - holding your hand and giving your inner child a cuddle if she wants one - watchng over you with phoenix wings of fire to keep you warm and safe.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by white_iris

It's a bit better.
Cept the feelings---heaviness, churning stomach, deep deep sadness for the little girl I see in the memories. She's not me. She's a terrified little girl with so much responsibility and so much physical pain from what is happening to her.......

i want to tell the memory
I want to somehow get it out of my head.
I want to have someone hold the little girl and protect her
I am so ashamed--I can't. It hurts too much. I have to walk away.
I have to leave......T says to hold and reassure her.....
I am a failure.
I am really not as loving and caring I guess as ppl think---
If I was, I would hold her.

She has survived it once---she can do it again.

I'm just not sure I can..........

sigh...just my experience. there may be a word or two that might help; my biggest concern is I don't want to hurt you in any way or set you back.

WI, please
Don't be ashamed because it hurts too much right now, only for right now to hold that little girl and reassure her. It does not mean you are a failure or unloving.
It means you are taking care of yourself.
When you are ready is when it will happen, not a minute sooner. You can't force it, as you are well aware. You can't read a book and viola' there is magical understanding and angelic compassion.
It's not a race you win. It's not anything that you do consciously...it's a combination of many things that you hear, see, feel, don't feel, run away from, weep, weep, weep again, absorb many small things that come together, feel battered, feel alone, feel anger and feel fear.
...and at some point, all these things and more blend into an awareness...that you have to love yourself now if you are going to be able to hold that little girl the way you want to hold her. I didn't feel worthy of holding her because when I was that little girl...I didn't feel worthy of anything.
Time span of years did not make me feel any more worthy, any more "grown up," any more of anything.
My first year of therapy was my first step towards feeling I had a right to be alive, a right to be reasonably happy, a right to be shown respect and courtesy.
My first step, followed by many more and sometimes I fell flat on my butt. But they--people etc. from the past--had had more time to try and destroy me...they had years. It took years before I came to my own kind of terms with it.
Then I could hold my own little girl.
Actually, I didn't have to hold her; she had taken every step with me, grew stronger along with me, became a part of me...I was holding myself, comforting myself, patting myself on the back because they had not completely broken me.
My inner child, the lonely beaten child and myself had come together as one...

Not Loving and Caring? Damn, lady you are hard on yourself.
You are a human being working your way out of a mire of terror and grief and loneliness.
Yet you still love others, irl and here. You are functioning with your daily activities; there were days when it was a miracle when I was able to come out of my comfortable closet, an actual closet, and take a shower...this was when I was over 30 yo.
You are actively participating in your healing...you are not giving up.
You are recognizing that you need to limit, for the time being, what you are able to do...there is no crime or sin involved in doing it.

You are hurting, and you may for awhile longer.
Sloth steps is my way of putting: I'm doing my best and this is all I can manage and it is all right.
Sloth steps are good, please don't discount the contribution they make on this path to healing.

We grow weary and need rest. We do not need to become stuck; but we have to accept and honor our need to rest our hearts.

Rest yours as needed, it's ok.

Catherine

Thank you Phoenix and Catherine.
can't respond right now.
long night of bad dreams and now getting ready for church.
perhaps there will be some comfort in that.
going to put on my "mask" and nice clothes
then crash into a million pieces when i get home.
hope there will be someone to put me back together.......

[Hunny]

"pregnant silence"






h

[phoenix7]

waiting with glue.......

[Catherine2]

...and many of us are champs at picking up pieces and helping to put the puzzle back together

Know you are in our hearts,

Catherine

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( white iris ))))))))))))))))
waiting with honey

So today is better--if numb and shutting things out is better.
Denial is a coping skill, is it not?
Denying that there was ever any abuse at all--it didn't happen to me
but to someone else who has told me their story and I am not involved in
any way.
Is this part of some process????
I'm not freaking out
I'm not sad or hiding or anything like that....
i don't feel anything.
a protective hard shell has seemed to envelope me and honestly
I am more familiar with this place than the other.
More comfortable----???
The pieces are swept under the rug.
HIdden out of sight
Senses are shut down
Know the allergy commercial where it is dull and then she takes this allergy pill and everything gets focused and bright???
well, i'm the before taking the allergy pill.

And I feel I have burdened you all way too much.
And my H who had an exhausting weekend with a zoned out wife and talked to his T this morning.
I'm just too much for everyone right now.
But yet, reminded that I am strong, will get thru this, have tools, too healthy to give up etc etc etc.
so I guess i have to get back to the perceived healthy place and keep going.

thanks everyone so much for being here.
sorry to have taken so much time.

[Fuzzybear]

I can't "hold" my "little girl" either, despite being told to by a T
(old tapes screaming at me not to even post this)
Kudos to you for putting all this into words
(I wish I could artculate some of my stuff half as well - even in my journal, the only "safe" place for me )
(no offense to anyone here, only to my own stupidity)



ugh, feeling like deleting this and sorry if its a hijack ....

[phoenix7]

holding the little girl inside will come in time - first you have to find her - then talk to her so she trusts you - then you can sit with her ......