* * Please don't read if death is a trigger. * *



I cradled my mother's head in my arms and held her hand while she died. It was very traumatic. It is all just starting to catch up with me now.

They had her on one type of invasive oxygen mask that was forcing air into her lungs. For two days it made her breathe. She was miserable, but alert and talking. The staff adored her and loved that she was always joking with them.

But as her vitals began to drop, they suggested we switch to another type of mask "to make her more comfortable." BUT I'd seen her try to breathe on that mask and she didn't get enough air.

I knew if I told them to go ahead and switch, she would die.

The problem was, my mother was lucid almost right up to the end. I couldn't do it to her while she was still alert. She knew what was going on. I was so sad that she had reached the end of her life.

Then she got to the point where she was so miserable with the mask on and she told me she was so very tired that I allowed them to switch her mask to another type, knowing she would die.

I told them they could only do it if they pumped her full of morphine so she wasn't conscious.

The last hour of her life they pumped her so full of morphine that I finally allowed them to switch the mask. It wasn't long after that she died, gasping for air the whole time.

It was horrible. I cannot shake that vision. But I am proud of myself that I was strong and was there for her.

It was a tough way to die and tough to watch my mother die that way. She had a hard life and did not deserve to suffer.

I am trying with every ounce of courage I own not to blame myself for that decision. She was in a no win situation and she was so tired, I just wanted her to rest. But there is a part of me saying "you allowed her to suffocate."

I hope she knows it was done with love and compassion.

This is so freakin' hard.

[cantstopcrying]

Oh sweet Orange!! She told you she was so tired, knowing you would do what you did. There is no doubt whatsoever that she knows you did it with love. Sweetheart, the amount of courage it took for you to sit there, holding her, is amazing. The relief you felt at knowing that she wasn't suffering anymore mixed terribly with your grief and now you are adding guilt to the mix. Guilt that isn't yours. You did the good, decent and humane thing. There is nothing I can say that will help you with image you have, I just pray that in time you will be able to replace that image with images that will make you smile and help heal you.

[Can't Remember]

sending you a hug.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( orange_blossom ))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie I am so sorry for what you and your mother have had to go through. Cantstopcrying is right you did the right thing and I am sure that she knows that you done what you done out of love it sounds like it is what she wanted you to do.

[phoenix7]

I am so sorry, losing a mother is hard enough, you did the right thing and I know you know it - and that she knew it too - she told you she was so tired and even though her breathing would have sounded bad she would not have felt the distress through the morphine - what you did was allow her to rest.

I hope you have someone to hold you while you cry - all I can do is send these and its nowhere near enough P7

[skeksi]

{{{Orangeblossom}}}

[notz]

Orange Blossom,

My sisters and I also had to make the decision...you know, discontinue life support. We each held our mother as she took her last breath as well. She was struggling to breathe too. What the emphysema had done to the quality of her life made death a blessing. She had made it known that she was "tired". As much as we wanted to keep her, clearly it was her time to go. To do otherwise would have been our selfishness.

I believe my mother's spirit left her body well before she stopped living. I believe her soul was released before we ever let her her body go. I believe that we, her daughters, were blessed and honored to be there for her. It's what she always wanted. I feel stronger because I witnessed her death.

I know what you are going through is difficult. Losing a parent is hard, but a mom? Oh, that's even more so. That's the one whose eyes you see the world for the first few years of your life. That bond between mother and child...powerful. I had a big, big "hole" right through my center for months. It helped knowing that was normal and I had people I could talk with and cry on.

There's no blame to assign. Don't go down that path, you cannot take ownership of how your mom lived or died. She had cancer, cancer killed her. You didn't make any of her lifelong decisions, those are hers and hers alone.You were caring, loving, courageous and humane. That's what your mom needed. You did what an adult child has to do. You were a good daughter and always will be.

Now, you have to be gentle with yourself. Take it easy. Don't miss a moment of what's happening. Feel everything there is to feel. You'll never have this chance again. There is nothing to fear. It is as it is supposed to be.

notz

(((( everyone ))))

Thank you so much for all of your support. Your words are wise and

somewhere in the back of my head I know I did the right thing.

But the PTSD refuses to let me be that logical.

PTSD also "brings back" every feeling I ever had when I witnessed my brothers and their friends suffocating / overdosing / dying when I was a kid. It's that "little kid" stark terror and intense sadness that always gets in the way. Head versus heart.

It's like someone plugged me into an electrical outlet and I am vibrating with all those emotions again. And then there's the death of my brothers and father . . .

As many times as I tell myself, "this is now, not then" I can't shut it off. It stirs up so much old stuff and not all of it is emotional. I can feel it in every cell of my body.

I am off to see P-doc this morning. She actually works two days at the cancer center's psychosocial and palliative care division counseling patients and their families, so she will help me with this.

T has been out of town since Christmas Eve and I didn't want to bother her with this, so being able to see P-doc is a blessing.

[Sannah]

Orange I am sorry . I also think that you did the right thing. When it is time for our bodies, prolonging death by artificial means is not the best thing to do. It seems that you have realized that this is also a trigger. Hopefully, you will be able to work through these other deaths too ........

((Orange)))))))))))))))))))))

[sabby]

(((((((((( Orange ))))))))))))

Oh how I understand what is going through you right now. Not only was I with my mom 27 years ago when her cancer took her, I was also with my aunty a little over 2 years ago when she passed as well. My aunty took the place of my mom over the years, so it was like loosing 2 moms. So very very hard indeed.

No matter how you prepare for the inevitable in situations as this, when it hits, it still hits as hard and as painful. While we can somewhat prepare intellectually, emotionally is never prepared.

No matter what you have been through in your lifetime with family members leaving this realm, of course it is all brought up again at a time like this. Your sensitivities are so high right now, everything is going to go through your mind, sometimes over and over again. This is such a normal thing to happen hon...I hope you know that. I know it doesn't make it easier..........

I'm glad you have your pdoc to speak to today. I pray he/she can help you work through this and feel at least a little bit better. I know people say this all the time, but it is true....time does help if we allow it to help. When the time is right for you, you will begin your healing.

Your beloved mother is proud of you dear Orange.....she is forever with you and supporting you.


sabby

[MINIME]

Orange I am here with you and sitting with you. You are not alone. ((HUG))

[Capp]

Orange, I offer my sincere condolences to you...

So much wisdom in the words already said and I hope it helps ease your pain.
It was a blessing your mother was in palliative care--hospice?

I also held my mother in my arms while she died...I kept my promise to her and I'm glad I was able to do it. She was in hospice care and they were so very helpful...they also had no hesitation about relieving her pain.

My thoughts are with you as you walk this new path,
Cap

Thanks for your support everyone.

((((((((((((((((((Orange Blossom)))))))))))))))))))))

How brave and loving of you to do what you did for your mom. I know from experiencing my dad's death that it is hard to watch them go,but it is a relief that their suffering has come to an end.

You are a good daughter. I hope seeing your pdoc brings you some comfort today.

[Christine1123]

((orangeblossom))
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and make this incredibly tough decision. When she said that she was tired, she was telling you what she wanted- to finally rest. You did the right thing, you gave her peace. It is not your fault, don't blame yourself for making the best decision with the best of intentions.

Thanks everyone. The wake is tomorrow and the funeral is on Saturday. It took us 23 hours to drive here and we're exhausted.

I'm not sleeping. I can't shake the vision of the last hour of her life.

I'm sure in time it will fade. I feel strong enough in my life right now that I know I'll be okay.

I am proud of the way I've been able to handle this even when the PTSD rears it's ugly head, I don't stay there too long.

I am getting better.

[phoenix7]

Hi Orangeblossom,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and Saturday

I am happy that you feel you have made some progress - thats really great - ptsd reared its ugly head and you kicked its butt! lets hope the time in it gets shorter and shorter until it disapears.

take care P7

[skeksi]

But the PTSD refuses to let me be that logical.

I really get this, OrangeBlossom. It's that pure, raw emotion that tears you up inside. I know the logic isn;t winning the war in your head right now, but I hope the tide will turn soon.

((( Everyone )))

Feeling flatlined at the moment.

I guess part of why I feel so numb is that this whole death thing is just so ROUTINE.

Same place, same sorrow, different body. Now both my parents and my two brothers are together and I'm left here wandering around.

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

((( Everyone )))

Feeling flatlined at the moment.

I guess part of why I feel so numb is that this whole death thing is just so ROUTINE.

Same place, same sorrow, different body. Now both my parents and my two brothers are together and I'm left here wandering around.

((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))
My friend I understand...there are no words that i can say to make it better. I wish there was. Please just know i care. And i am here for you.
Muffin

[Capp]

((Orange))

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

((( Everyone )))

Feeling flatlined at the moment.

I guess part of why I feel so numb is that this whole death thing is just so ROUTINE.

Same place, same sorrow, different body. Now both my parents and my two brothers are together and I'm left here wandering around.

((((orange blossom)))) i''m so sorry about your mom but i believe that now she is healed and whole, jmo. she is no longer is in pain. and her spirit lives in you.
you did a wonderfully thoughtful thing for your mom in her last hours. i lost my mom in a similar way and it does make us so very sad. it sounds like your mom was a wonderful lady and just for the record, you're a great daughter.
yes you will miss her.. but like you said the pain is not so acute in time and then you can reflect back on all those years you had with her as i do now about my mom and dad. they are wonderful memories.
once you are home i'd suggest some strenuous exercise to release the ptsd tension. it will take your mind off those feelings for a little while. there will be more tears, for the loss of a mother is so life changing. they were our nurturers. be kind to yourself and let time help you heal from your loss. friends are so understanding, so i'd suggest you spend time with them for support too. meanwhile know we are here and we do care so very much.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

((( Everyone )))

Feeling flatlined at the moment.

I guess part of why I feel so numb is that this whole death thing is just so ROUTINE.

Same place, same sorrow, different body. Now both my parents and my two brothers are together and I'm left here wandering around.

Im so sorry orangeblossom, i know its hard for you I wish there was somthing i could say to ease your pain - I hope you have a friend you can talk to about this who maybe can go to the funeral with you P7

[Justgiving]

(((((((((((Orange_Blossom)))))))))))