Your Mileage May Vary

...or...
Sorry...my post must not have made sense. There are times when what is in my heart is not expressed very well by my words.
My intentions were good, though.

YMMV.

it made perfect sense - dont second guess yourself my friend - it was clear and concise and spoke from the heart and i listened to every word....

it was and is - beautiful - sad - true - wonderfully expressed - painted a picture i could relate to - spoke formthe heart - yes i know i said that already but its worth saying twice !!!!

I love what you write - its honesty - its clarity and its strength - thankyou for sharing that wiht us - your heart is expressed very well by your words - and i have never known you not to have good intentions my friend - dont be so hard on yourself ... or did you self address your bat too? lol

take care P7

catherine
read, chewing, digesting----

Thanks everyone for responding...

I hate that I was needy...but I was. Your kind words and encouragement helped me and I'm grateful.

My ex is in outpatient treatment for his Combat PTSD, and is having a difficult time. I understand this having gone through it myself.
Looking back, I see where both of us having PTSD helped ruin our marriage...'course there were other things that contributed to it's ending.

We had decided to be as civil as possible so the (grown) children would not be torn between choosing one of us over the other. For a long time this has worked out...and there is still some effort to keep it that way.

The past several weeks have been difficult for him...
but he is making me the target of some of his anger. He has also been triggered by the recent events in Afghanistan.
Big Time.

One of the most important rules of any medical professional is to stay out of their treatment, and let others do their jobs...for the most part I've done this, for myself.
But when he is here and goes into fighting mode, I don't have the choice of not doing anything.
It's for my own safety and his.

His latest outburst has hurt me in many ways. He knows better than to come at me in the physical sense...I knocked him cold the one time he tried it.

Verbal and emotional abuse is another matter, though.
I've been doing a lot of self-care and reassuring myself that this will end, I will get through it. This week has been especially hard, and I'm drained.

It's my own fault; I allowed myself to get drawn into his drama. I initially felt a bit closer to him...I was saddened by the weekend casualties, he was triggered. Why I thought there would be any two-way support was foolish of me.
My bad...
Perhaps I was more vulnerable than I realized and did not do more to protect myself.
Boy, but I am chasing my tail on this one...conflicting emotions.
Honoring confidentiality, his therapist will not discuss it, and I don't want to anyway. However, he does take messages about a client's behavior, what he does from there is none of my business.
My own therapist is more concerned with my well being of course...he suggested I make that call then let his therapist handle it.
Done.

So why am I hearing those old tapes that I should fix this, not be angry, etc.?
Guilt, the silent thing that patiently waits for a tiny thing and then makes it's move.
Guilt because I can't fix it? No.
Guilt because I don't want to fix it? Yes.

Guilt that I do not want to be understanding and supportive any longer? Oh yeah.
I feel that I have gone as far as I can in doing this, he is going to have to take full responsibility for his recovery. Because I've been through it does not mean I should continue to...whatever.

Guilt, wasted energy.
Patience can sometimes be an ugly thing.
Beefing up the protective boundaries...not again. I be sick of it.

Nuts, I need to get off my pot and do what needs to be done.
I need a fill up of energy and soon.

C

Well when you find that energy stream dotn forget to share lol - wash your tired feet in it - let it fill you up with the ture and certain knowledge that you are worth every second of life you have - that you deserve to be happy at least sometimes - and that you can do this cos we will stand with you.

P7

p.s, Ive arranged for the bat to be picked up and returned to the local baseball team so get it ready and dont put any more dents in it lol

Hugs to you, dear one.

(((Catherine)))
Things have been difficult for you lately...Sending you much love and positive energy!!

((((((((((((( Catherine ))))))))))))))

Thanks, Catherine2 for your kind and thoughful words!!

Thank you all so very much...
I appreciate the kind words, and I definitely appreciate the gentle suggestions about self-care.

Plans are for him to go to his workplace tomorrow and arrange for sick leave. He wants to take about a week, and go from there. I do not believe he will do inpatient stabilization at the nearest VA hospital...and that is his choice.
He and his T are working on the details. This is how it should be...
*sigh* I still struggle with feeling I have to be hyper vigilant when I am around him. Partly from him, but part of my struggle is grounding myself so that I am not getting triggered by his stuff and end up sliding backwards myself.

My T was so very kind when he chewed my butt...
But I stopped chasing my tail. I'm still not seeing things as clearly as I want but it's better.
Holding my breath as to whether he will follow through with these plans. Last time...

Part of the therapy session was an eye opener for me...T pointed out that my reasons for my PTSD are far different than his...he was not saying either one was more important; only that they were different.
Setting aside the CSA for awhile we talked about our experiences in Nam.

He saw his friends die. I did my best to keep them alive, but I did not know them. Forgive me for saying this, but after awhile the wounded become just that...identified by the type of wound...chest, burn, etc..
He was in hand to hand combat; up close and personal, he looked into the eyes of the men he was killing...it haunts him to this day.
In self defense, I shot one man. Hard enough, multiply that number for him.
We both heard the moans and sometimes the screams of the dying...he could do nothing to help them. I at least was part of the team trying to save them, relieve their pain, get them home.

So our details are very, very different. I'm not implying there are not commonalities in the effects...
He has far different issues than I did, though.
As I had to make peace with mine; so does he...and it is his recovery/healing made at the pace that is safest for him.

I do admit that the boundaries I have set are tougher than before...hopefully there will be a middle ground we can work out.

Thank y'all once again. You "heard" me and I held on tightly to those who were walking with me.

Isn't this place--PC community--great?!

In Peace

(((((((Catherine))))))
Reading, listening, walking beside you.
You are doing good.
You are using self care.
I am proud of you!

Sometimes I want to throw a temper tantrum...

Most of you know that my daughter has been staying with me while she gets back on her feet after leaving an abusive relationship.
It's taken time but she is well on her way to getting her own place and starting a new life...

This morning I was awakened by the Sheriff's office saying they needed to check if her car had been stolen...
Yes.
From the front yard next to the carport.
In daylight

It was found behind one of the grade schools by a deputy on patrol. The window and ignition are broken, it was too wet this morning to lift prints
and she has liability insurance only.

****!

Thanks, Catherine!! I know how true this is. It took me about 30 years to get the right meds and right type of therapy for my PTSD.

(((((((Catherine))))))))
I would be in a corner by now hitting my fists on the wall--and the "why me??????" would be a scream loud enough for the rest of the continent to hear--fact, I think I hear you....

I am so sorry that all of this is hitting at one time. Are you able to sort it out? Breathe??

I am offering a hand and a shoulder.....scream, cry, or just hide in the corner....
or maybe you are stronger than I am and are dealing ok.....sorry if I am projecting.......

In any case, I am here, just an ear or whatever.....

caring about you my friend

white_iris,
Thank you, I appreciate it.

I am so warped...and so is my daughter. We went to where the car was and they called a tow truck to take it to the shop. $350...
At some point in all this happening, we stated laughing. 'Course it's a coping mechanism; strange but it helped both of us.
1. it was extremely embarrassing to slide down that ravine on my butt. Crutches are not useful for navigating ravines. I am a charm school reject. Visual, for sure.
Add in that the other deputies that stopped by were absolutely gorgeous men...wet butt, hair sticking straight up, her hair was nearly as bad, and she forgot to put on her bra.
She's young enough that they are still perky, but D cup garners attention...I didn't tell her to stand up straight...
and
I had to have help getting back to the top. Fine except if they had called me Ma'am one more time...

Thank you for your concern.
After so much happening, something had to give
which is fine
and it came out in laughter.

Catherine

You know how it is when you have so much going on and your mind wanders, but you still gain some clarity to a situation?
It did with my ex.
After my T so "graciously" pointed out some things, I had one of those Eureka! moments.
I fully understand what T meant by the different reasons, etc..
What also came out is hard to explain, but of course I'm going to try it.

People who survive traumas of any kind at any stage of their lives "bond." That's a general bonding.
Ease it into certain situations like SA, law enforcement&fire safety personnel, domestic violence, and combat...you become even closer.

There was a part of me that was clinging to my ex and I being veterans of the same war.
...never leave a man behind...familiar to anyone military.
It felt like I was leaving him behind.
I did, and in all honesty it is something I should have done before. It took me a few hours of fighting guilt that my attitude may have hindered him in some way.
And it may have but there were also other influences...plus his own stuff.

Bit of grief but I let go. He's with the right people now, and I believe he will find his way.
His way.

He's aware of and accepts the boundaries I put in place, and I will honor the ones he will make.
Sound easy? It's gut-wrenching.
The right thing to do? Yes, but that does not make it easy.

Will it work? No one can write a script for the future. If I did
then I may leave something out that would be cause to celebrate...
Going to take it a day at a time

In Peace

once day at a time sounds a good idea..... i hope you are able to cut yourself a little bit more slack now

im glad youre daughter will get her car back - and im so sorry but the image of you sliding down a hill trying to do it in a ladylike way while officers crowded round sayin are you ok Ma'am made me smile

i hope you and your daughter are ok.

take care

P7

((((Catherine)))))
Sounds like you are doing some good work!! I hate when someone tells me that, honestly, but at the same time it's true.....
Gut wrenching, painful, guilt producing then working thru work....and I am proud of you pushing thru it and staying with it. I can relate on a smaller scale but I can relate.....it's the part of healing that often puzzles me. Ok, how many times do I have to "cleanse" this wound--and then finally when all the infection is out and the healing begins it still hurts like crap!!!! One day at a time for sure. (I do know about things like that as I was once a practicing LPN)

On the lighter side--I am so glad you got to laugh that laugh of release...Must have been quite a site!! One for the "great funny stories in my life".

Still here, still listening, still caring

I've been laying low, struggling thru some dark areas of my past.
Familiar places but new shadows. hate it!
Therapy isn't helping much. It's really up to me to push thru and make sense of the senseless.
How much of that past is me? How do I embrace the "new" things I am finding out and at the same time let them go? My FOO (family of origin) is so messed up......A ball of knotted string some thick enough to untangle and others so fine that it is impossible to. Bits of information and memory that keep pointing a finger at how f----d up i really am...or more perhaps "they" were and the generational curses are dumped on me.
Working thru the beliefs handed down and imposed. They are not true yet I was taught them from day one. And now I realize that they contradict the beliefs I have as an adult, the beliefs I taught my children and live by now---until sleeping dragons are woken up.

and then I question and struggle.

((((((((((((((white Iris))))))))))))))))))))))))

hoping that you realise the progress you are makking - i see it in what you write - you are very insightful......

wishing you a fast forward on thsoe voices fromthe past so that they are gone soon - you already realise they were wrong and thats half the battle..

take care P7