[VickiesPath]

Since beginning to remember the abuse I suffered at the hand of my mother when I was a child, I've had one incident last week where I was able to do self-hypnosis and get into the experience of going through it again. I wasn't scared at the time. But since then, I've noticed I've been experiencing a startle response and my depression has worsened.

Don't know yet if I need to do anything medically, it may be managable without meds but I have to do this because I have to forgive her and I can't forgive her until I take the memories out and shake the dust off of them so I can retire them permanently. I'm working with my T and am participating in an Intensive Outpatient Program 3-5 days a week so the support is there. Just hate trying to get the doctor appt at the clinic I go to, it's a major hurdle. I don't want to rush this work. Seeing the reaction after this first one, I'm a bit leary to move ahead. It's more painful than I expected.

[SUNNY2009]

Good Luck Vickie ... Wish I could offer some help here... I would definietly do it with my T and not alone though.
Hope your week turns out well.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Vickie )))))))))))))))))

I don't want to rush

Hello Vickie,....

I backed you all the way in all your steps to living peacefully.

Years upon years upon years - dealing with one tinee part of my issues is the mother (Judy).

Forgive but never Forget.... to instilled. But forgive is a work in process.

When mine is still practicing her behaviors on any who get around her - crazy and she 64. Poor people, I feel sad for them that they can't see into her, until it's too uncomprehendable.

Anyway so I thought how can I forgive for she's still doing it.

I'd attempted some very serious, extreme measures to get revenge for my chilhood lost.

BUT She Took away my childhood, she'll not have my entire life as well.

I can't believe this - I always wanted very bad bad things to happen to her! I couldn't understand why she's not 'getting her's'

I'm 49, been through ever type of therapy there is except shock treatment......

NOW THIS IS THE THING - (I have absolutely no ties with her).

BUT
I don't wish her bad anymore. I actually feel sorry for her. Isn't that something - I'm shocked too!
(hey that doesn't mean I'll be inviting her for dinner or anything LOL)

She must be a very miserable person inside.
She doesn't know it because she doesn't know how to FEEL, or what it's like to FEEL. Narricistic (spelling poop) and etc., Sadist.....

I have control of my life away from her. .

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

Since beginning to remember the abuse I suffered at the hand of my mother when I was a child, I've had one incident last week where I was able to do self-hypnosis and get into the experience of going through it again. I wasn't scared at the time. But since then, I've noticed I've been experiencing a startle response and my depression has worsened.

Don't know yet if I need to do anything medically, it may be managable without meds but I have to do this because I have to forgive her and I can't forgive her until I take the memories out and shake the dust off of them so I can retire them permanently. I'm working with my T and am participating in an Intensive Outpatient Program 3-5 days a week so the support is there. Just hate trying to get the doctor appt at the clinic I go to, it's a major hurdle. I don't want to rush this work. Seeing the reaction after this first one, I'm a bit leary to move ahead. It's more painful than I expected.

Wow, ((((((Vickie)))))) - that is an incredibly ambitious journey you have embarked upon - I really admire your courage and determination. You're tapping into a whole lot of intense emotions that have been at least somewhat suppressed for a very long time which can be overwhelming although catharctic in the long run. Please tread carefully through this process - make certain that your T and pdoc are fully aware of the intensity of your emotional and psychological reactions and are communicating directly with each other so you can be provided with appropriate and adequate support - they may even want to modify the pace of the process and/or your medications to lessen the intensity of your reactions.

In my personal experience, to remember the abuse was to re-experience it as if those past events were occurring in the present because it wasn't safe for me to express my emotions about the abuse at the time of the original events. I never suppressed the details of the events themselves, but had to suppress my emotions at the time of the abuse in order to survive it. It took time, but the emotional and psychological pain dimished a bit each time that I allowed myself to experience and express those suppressed emotions about those abusive events. You just have to make certain that you feel "safe" during the process. My pdoc at the time was very good at doing this - he was also my therapist and was very supportive, reassuring, and accessible. He just kept telling me, "You survived the abuse, Lynn - it isn't happening now - you have already survived the worst of it." I know that everyone is different, and I'm sure that his simple reassurances won't work for everyone - but they did for me - they helped to keep me rooted in the reality of the here and now, and to perceive my present pain as phantoms of the past that needed to be exorcised, and old wounds that needed to be cleaned out, healed, and allowed to fade. Admittedly, the scars have not fully faded away and are sometimes very tender, but they are no longer the open wounds they used to be. So, please be encouraged, Vickie - it will improve - you have already survived all these years despite the injury done to you - give yourself credit for your innate strength and what you have already achieved.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know what we can do to support you through this process. You can PM or e-mail me directly any time if you feel I can provide any support that you need.