[DangerMagnet]

I've had nightmares the past week everynight. Here it is 3:07am I know I should be in bed but after yet another nightmare. I don't want to go back to sleep. They seem so real. I hate reliving my rape over and over. Part of me wants to give up on sleep all together.

So sorry this is happening, DangerMagnet. May you soon find some peace.

[skeksi]

I understand completely. I am having sleep troubles lately too. I have meds to take but I am too scared to, because that feeling of vulnerability between sleep and waking.

Has anything helped you in managing the nightmares in the past?

[DangerMagnet]

I use to cut to help but I'm trying to stop. I feel so stressed over it all. I've been getting maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. My meds make me sleep. But once a nightmare starts I'm deep in it I start kicking, screaming, punching, scratching, when adam trys to wake me I tend to open my eyes and think its my rapist there in my room Adam said I start yelling for him to come and get my rapist out of my room to save me and not let him hurt me again. I work my self up so much I pass out. When I "wake up" from passing out I'm up for the night. I have to make sure all the blinds are closed the doors are locked. It hasn't been this bad since the weeks following the actual rape. Like I said I'm ready to give up on sleep all together.

[skeksi]

I know the feeling--cutting used to help me, too. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad you've got someone there to care for you. How stressful. Did something set this off suddenly? Have you been under more stress lately?

For me one thing that helps is changing something about my sleep pattern. Sometimes sleeping on the couch helps kick me out of a bad sleep cycle. Sometimes taking a different med for a few days helps. Sometimes I stay up for a day and then take my meds and I am so beat that I can finally sleep.

It's not fair that you have to struggle with this.

[DangerMagnet]

I know what set it off. I went to the mall to have time for myself. It was the first time in years. He was there he followed me and I came home. I left yesterday to see my T. But here I am. On the couch in my pjs completely shut off from the world. He raped me on my birthday january 20th. So January is always hard. I feel like I've been hit with a double whammy with year. I'll try sleeping on the couch tonight maybe it will help. Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry you half to go through it too.

Will your therapist accommodate you by seeing you more often to help you through this?

[googley]

DangerMagnet-
I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I hate anniversaries. I know that nightmares can make it that much worse because it makes it harder to be awake because we are not getting enough sleep. It becomes a horrid cycle. Could you see if you can find a better way for your boyfriend to wake you up? Is he calling your name or is he shaking you? I know that if someone was shaking me when I was in a nightmare that I would wake up violently thinking they were part of it. But if they were just calling my name it wouldn't be the same because there wouldn't be the physical contact. Just a thought. I hope this gets better. Take gentle care of yourself.

[(JD)]

You gave many clues and answers in your replies...
nightmares are a normal response to such violence. You were re-triggered by the sight of the perpetrator, and that's made sleeping worse.
I have many questions, but won't ask...just hope that you reported the rape and aren't hiding from the experience. I'm glad you are in therapy, and I hope your T is well versed in this area, and has determined your correct diagnosis.

I agree with others, change your sleeping routine for now. Make it okay to only sleep a few hours at night, and schedule a day time to sleep also. Maybe change where you sleep, maybe leave the tv or radio on... anything that changes up what is right now. Find some comforting measures for when you do wake up from a nightmare...some good self talk etc.

Don't be hard on yourself for the body's way of reacting to such a trauma....and expect that once you're through January, you'll feel better.

[DangerMagnet]

TheByzantine- my T can see me twice a month. This month she is on vacation till the 26. Yesterday I saw someone else in her practice. She said until she gets back they can have me committed to the hospital or i can stay home. I have no way to let her know what is going on until then. I have an appointment for the day she gets back.

Googley-He usually calls my name but it doesn't always work. I started calling the house phone from his cell phone. I wake up but not enough to realize that I'm home and safe. A friend of his told him to try a wet cloth on my face. We wont know if that works until my next nightmare (my guess is tonight. if I go to sleep)

_Sky- you can message me with any questions. It helps me to talk about it. i didn't press charges. I was dating him at the time when it happened I stayed after it happened. When I went to the police later. I was told there was no point that I was just an angry ex-girlfriend looking for attention. I talked to my youth minister about it he said there was no way he would ever do that to anyone.

[(JD)]

Well I would hope your youth church person wouldn't do that! Goodness what a thing to say. Was he hitting on you too? That's just so not right to say as support. Why would he even insert himself into that scenario? Not sure he's a good one to talk with...

Why not contact a rape crisis line or center 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) and see what support they can give you. I'm sorry the cops there are so insensitive....did you go to their supervisor and complain? No, there's no evidence at this point (unless you kept your clothes and didn't wash them, like Monica.) But you can file a complain against the guy.

Have you talked with him about it? If not, why not? Confront him since you see him around anyway. See if he thinks it was just a joke, or if he seriously thought you were on board with it. IDK it's a thought. Ask your fill-in therapist what he/she thinks.

Taking action, advocating for yourself if you can, will help you.

[DangerMagnet]

I went to my youth minister about it. I needed help. I felt lost and scared. I was trying to understand why God would let this happen to me. I was turned away by the police and thought he would be able to help. Instead he shot me down too.

I see him as little as possible. He doesn't live down here anymore. My guess is he was home for the holidays. I can’t be near him. I haven't been able to find the courage to stand up to him. When he's tried to talk to me in the past my mind goes back to the girl I was 9 years ago when it happen. I become completely submissive. I answer yes sir and no sir. I look him in the eye when he speaks. Stand up straight. Don’t be sarcastic. Don’t speak unless spoken to. Don’t talk back. That was how the relationship worked. It's not how it started. It was good in the beginning. Then he became controlling and very possessive. Then he raped me. Then he started hitting me all the time. I became the "perfect" girlfriend. I learned how to hide the bruises. No one ever knew what was going on. Not my parents, friends, or teachers. I hide behind a smile and I find lots of days I still do.

As for last night I tried sleeping on the couch. I got a whole two hours of sleep. I don’t understand why its 9 years later and I can’t move on.

[(JD)]

(((((dangermagnet)))) You can't understand it because that's the way PTSD is... affecting every aspect of life...and it doesn't get better and you won't heal on your own without help. Hang in there

[Bill3]

DangerMagnet, I am so sorry to learn of your suffering and your pain.

I think that you mentioned that it helps you to be able to talk about the rape. I'd like to encourage you to contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network), as Sky suggested. I think that at RAINN you will find people who can listen and accept and understand.

You can call them at 1-800-646-4673. You can also speak with them online, they have an online hotline. Check out http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/.

[DangerMagnet]

Thanks Bill3 I'll check it out. Maybe it will help.