[Can't Stop Crying]

I have a very large family and have managed to disconnect from them to a certain extent. I moved 500 miles away and never initiate contact with them. I have completely severed all ties with my parents, but my siblings are a little trickier. The distance provides a limited sense of security, but I'm caught off guard when a sibling contacts me out of the blue.

My brother e-mailed me last week to say he would be in town for business and would like to meet. I have such a hard time saying no, so I accepted. It's not even contact with my siblings that is so disturbing...it's everything it stirs up.

So we had dinner last night and he filled me in on what is going on in everyone's life. ( I have 14 birth siblings, so there is a lot) Everything was so incredibly depressing. I was feeling so strong for a few days and I feel like everything has been zapped out of me.

It is so sad that I have all these siblings and I can't be involved in their lives, but every time contact is made, I feel myself slipping backwards. I hate to see my parents legacy being passed on to yet another generation.

I guess I'm just feeling really triggered and needed to vent

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs to you ~

Wow! 14 birth siblings...that is a big family! I can understand pulling yourself away from family ~ I've pulled away from my family a lot. That is something that I have had to do for myself, to gain some control over my major depression.

I don't feel like there's anything I can say to make you feel better ~ though I sure wish that there was! You are in my thoughts. I hope that your feelings of chaos and misery ease very soon.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I've pulled away from my family a lot. That is something that I have had to do for myself, to gain some control over my major depression.

Do you ever feel guilty or like your missing out on having a family? I know limiting contact with them is in my best interest, but sometimes I feel guilty and sometimes I feel like an orphan...no family for support

[Gently1]

You deserve to be the best you can be, and I also am better with minimal contact from my family.

This I see as a temp situation, maybe another year? So sometimes I do feel guilty, and it is a feeling that passes.
Am I missing out - Yes - but my depression and my up coming Therapy for PTSD, means that I need to be free of implied or other demands. As my parents are aging, one with cancer, I want to be in a stronger place before I jump back into more contact.

I am on long term disability and if I am to ever get back to work, I have to take care and stay focused, there will be a time in my Therapy where I do want to learn how/if I can have a healthier relationship with family.

I have a few close friends, and a few others I see when I am not as depressed. I seem to be coming out of a depressed cycle, but from what I understand my upcoming work will be 'interesting'. Exposure Therapy.
My second appointment is this Friday.

I do not know if my story helps you, hearing your concerns- guilt- energy drain from exposure to family when you are not ready, is what I feel at times.
take care
G

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Do you ever feel guilty or like your missing out on having a family? I know limiting contact with them is in my best interest, but sometimes I feel guilty and sometimes I feel like an orphan...no family for support

Honestly, yes, I do feel guilty.

As a child, I always did everything I could imagine to get my family to get along and be happy. It never did work. That's just the way that it was. I think that I've accepted that fact.

The concept that I currently struggle with is the fact that I'm happier and healthier (emotionally & physically) when I don't have much contact at all with my mom. My dad isn't one I hold harsh feelings towards, but he throws in guilt trips here & there about me needing to be there for my mom. You know, "She loves you, and really misses you. Why don't you give her a call sometime or come out and see her?" That kind of thing. Just fills me with anxiety and guilt. Maybe some anger and resentment too.

The rest of my family: uncles, brother, aunt ~ I've happily let them go. My sister is another ding! against my mom. My sister has an anti-social personality disorder. Very manipulative, and a big crime breaker. She doesn't even think once about laws applying to her. She's a user. My mom never accepted her or supported her ~ never! I could see that as a very little girl even. So, I always tried very hard to show my sister my love. It didn't work (of course ~ what else is new?!) and she's disappeared from the entire family.

At least my sister had the smarts to know that our family was sick. She protected herself the one way she new how...she had to get out. I become very sad when I think of her. She had it real rough ~ no support from anyone. {Other than me. But my support and caring just wasn't enough for her. She needed more than I could give to her.} She is a criminal, but so much could have been prevented with actual love and support from the family.

Sorry for the long response, CSC. In my experience, this stuff is complicated. Gentle hugs to you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I don't really know my extended family very well, so it's mostly my siblings that I struggle with. I wish we could present a more united front and support each other...I've tried re-connecting but it never seems very successful. It is so hard to see how torn up their lives have become. I think sometimes I just get really lonely for a "family". I mean I have my own family now with my husband and kids, but when I hear stories about support others receive from their first family, I get a little jealous. And my kids have more than 20 cousins that they don't even know. I guess it's just plain sad. I know for me the separation has to be permanent and it's almost like grieving in a way...not sure how else to explain it

[shezbut]

(((CSC)))

I understand what you are saying. It is sad. It is unfair that we got stuck inside sick families who really shouldn't have been raising kids ~ and there seem to be so many "healthy" and happy families out there. WTF?? Why couldn't we have that? Why does anyone have to suffer this pain, confusion, guilt, and resentment from childhood on?

I feel angry. I feel sad. But, I guess that somewhere along the way I have accepted some parts of my past. Other parts still plague me (in case you hadn't guesed, my mom) and I regularly have nightmares. I have written some of these nightmares down, and shared them with my T. That helps me have a better outlook when I openly talk about my feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

Perhaps you could try doing the same (or something similar) in T? It might help you work through the emotions that you're struggling with.

Best wishes and to you!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Shez - Thank you so much for following my posts and sharing your wisdom...it helps to feel understood!

[DancingAlone]

ohhhhh, yes, to say you are understood is a major understatment CSC!!! my awesome brother and SIL tried unsuccessfully (by spending over $5,000) to get me out of the family-owned house years ago. my lawyer charged me ZERO.

i can't even begin to start any name-calling or how unbelievably cruel they are, because it will send me over the edge, yet again triggered by their greed and need to control me. once i left home those many years ago, i really left home!!! if it wouldn't result in my being homeless, i would be out of here in a heartbeat. and the sad thing is, i take care of everything, all the bills, maintenance, taxes, upkeep, but it's never enough.

so hon, don't you ever ever think along the lines of guilt. you have a right to your peace, you have a right to your own life, and you have a right to be happy and free of abuse. if that means no family...then so be it. (BTW, sis is in my life again now, but email only, and has apologized, but i remain--hopefully--cautious, but it's safer that way).

[Perna]

Thanks for posting, Can't Stop Crying, I have a brother who doesn't communicate with the rest of the family at all and it gave me another perspective to think about.