[Charlie_J]

My story with PTSD.

I never had it until ten years ago, and I'm now 34.

My brother took an overdose, and when my father found him, he took an overdose of painkillers himself. A few days later, I unlocked their door and walked in.

Due to financial constraints, I now live in the same house.

I had a nightmare last night. One of those horrible monkey's paw type ones. I was dozing, or so I thought, and I could hear someone downstairs in the kitchen washing the dishes.

Then, they came upstairs, and I laid in bed, and it occurred to me I'm sleeping in his room (my Dad's), but thankfully he went down the hall.

I woke up properly then, and realised I'd been asleep and dreaming.

I really wish they wouldn't haunt me like this.

[Yoda]

Hi Charlie

After my BF died ten years ago most people told me that I should sell my house and farm and move away from the memories. I didn't though. I thought the memories would follow me anywhere and I have lots of good memories besides the bad ones. And it isn't like I would forget what happened here if I moved away. Nothing can erase what has happened for either you or me.

I have experienced several years of flashbacks and occasional dreams but the frequency of them is better. It helps to distract myself when my mind goes to places I don't want to go. Talking to my horse or cat or listening to music help me.

I hope you find Psychcentral helpful.

[Charlie_J]

Thank you, Yoda. I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I hear what you're saying about the house, and when I'm well I know that myself, because my brother and I grew up here quite happily.

The flashbacks happen, but they get weaker and weaker over time for me. I suppose we desensitise to seeing the images eventually.

I just wanted to share, because it's that, keep it locked away, or bother my mother with it, and she's lost a husband and child and then seen me literally fall to pieces over and over again.

I don't think that they are haunting me, but the them that I found that day are. My dad and brother were long gone by the time I walked in. Don't know if that makes sense.

Thanks again.

[Can't Stop Crying]

My heart breaks for you. I don't really know the right words to say. Keep posting and get those memories out. I am listening!

[PTSDlovemycats]

(((Hugs))) I am SO sorry to hear about that!!

[Nightside of Eden]

Charlie, I'm so sorry for what happened and for what you had to see (yes, what you said in your last post made sense, at least to me).

I think sometimes the nightmares you have when you're just 'dozing' can be the worst because of how easily they can bleed into waking reality. It is really scary.

[sunviper]

Hi Charlie,
I suffer from combat PTSD which seems to make nightmares come from hell. A few nights here and there I get unlucky and have a night terror where I wake up in a cold sweat punching and kicking and scared out of my mind. Most nights I wake up every 2 hours or so soak and wet from perspiring. I try to compensate by using less blankets and cloths but then I wake up freezing as my perspiration dries.

I have tried many medications to help me with this. The last one's that my VA Psychiatrist tried on me was 4 capsule of Prazosin HCL. The medication is for high blood pressure, I took it for a week or less and it made me get so dizzy that I almost past out. When I went back to see him we found out that it was not mixing well with my other blood pressure meds. I am now taking 2 or 3 Ativan (Lorazepam) 1 mg. each to help me sleep.

Sigmund Freud has a book out called Dream Psychology, It was published in 1920 under Non-Fiction. It makes me wonder.

[Charlie_J]

Thank you to you all for understanding.

@ Night Side Of Eden: You really hit the nail on the head there. I really had to get up and go to the bathroom, but I had to wait at least ten minutes for reality to come back properly. Hallucinations are not good.

@ sunviper: I really, honestly wish I could make your nightmares go away. PTSD is so cruel in that sense, because for those of us who suffer from it, the memories are bad enough without dreams and flashbacks on top.

Here's hoping everyone has a peaceful night's sleep.

[Yack]

I used to get those nightmares...where you wake up in a cold sweat. Lately I have dreams that I am calling 911 and no one answers, or that I am trying to go home and can't get there...its rough.

Originally Posted by sunviper

Hi Charlie,
I suffer from combat PTSD which seems to make nightmares come from hell. A few nights here and there I get unlucky and have a night terror where I wake up in a cold sweat punching and kicking and scared out of my mind. Most nights I wake up every 2 hours or so soak and wet from perspiring. I try to compensate by using less blankets and cloths but then I wake up freezing as my perspiration dries.

I have tried many medications to help me with this. The last one's that my VA Psychiatrist tried on me was 4 capsule of Prazosin HCL. The medication is for high blood pressure, I took it for a week or less and it made me get so dizzy that I almost past out. When I went back to see him we found out that it was not mixing well with my other blood pressure meds. I am now taking 2 or 3 Ativan (Lorazepam) 1 mg. each to help me sleep.

Sigmund Freud has a book out called Dream Psychology, It was published in 1920 under Non-Fiction. It makes me wonder.

I am so deeply sorry first of all...that you have suffered such a horrific loss...I absolutely cannot imagine the blackness that must leave behind.I am sorry that you know of it.

I have very odd beliefs...so please discard anything I may say which doesn't fit with your system of belief.I believe ...first of all that structures hold a sort of projector imprint in a structure itself.Since I feel that's true....I think the past sort of is impressed onto the dwelling.

Also,since these were two extremely strong ties...your psyche has suffered a tremendous ,lingering blow.When we suffer a trauma of this magnitude...and we ...perhaps do not really deal through it properly...it stands a bit unresolved.

In a dream state...these unresolved issues translate to dreams which can be hard to decipher.

You say,I wish they wouldn't haunt me like this.Now I know many here don't believe whatsoever in existence beyond our mortal selves...but,I do.

And I surmise that ...if I made the choice they(your dad and brother ) made...and left my brother/son to figure how to deal with a life w/o me...I would feel a tremendous disturbance in my soul...wanting desperately to heal the son/brother that I impacted so horrifically with my choice to terminate my self.

I feel I would linger.If...(it doesn't matter what my beliefs are...or anyones...except your own)...if you feel that perhaps this is the case...you may wish to find a quiet private place in your home...and tell them they can go and not to worry about you.Perhaps a prayer...incense...just a quiet acknowledgement /communication.(IF it suits you)

I think more so that it is all so impacting on your psyche that it comes out in dream.

I think it is very wise that you recognize the importance of not bottling your feelings inside...and I am sure that with so many ppl in Psychcentral....surely you will receive replies which will smooth your heart.

Keep reaching out.~W~

[Charlie_J]

Thank you so much for your reply wolfsong.

WARNING: LONG TRIGGERY POST AHEAD








The reason I posted about it in this part of the website is because I have two very different types of dreams/nightmares.

There are those in which my sleeping mind deals with the loss (Freud would have a field day). And then there are these.

Without getting too graphic, when I finally walked in on them, it wasn't pretty and it didn't smell nice. I had to walk past my Dad to get to the stairs so I could find my brother. I knew he wouldn't be far away.

These dreams aren't even vaguely about Dad and my brother. They contain monsters that wear their dead bodies like clothes. Usually, they'll be lumbering around after me, daring me to touch them.

I think it comes from the emergency call I made at the time, when the woman on the phone was asking me to touch them, just to make sure they were really gone, and I was really already way sure. But, that's why I post it in PTSD.

As for the other issue raised in your post, I respect your beliefs, but I pretty much think consciousness is just an accident caused by evolution and nature (it's the easist way to manage and control a complex set of urges and instints).

If I'm wrong, and there is something else after death, I believe experiences change us all. There can't be a bigger experience than death, except perhaps life. And so, after ten years, even if they are still out there somewhere... we no longer know each other. They're lost.

That's not to say I haven't already had a nice quiet chat or two with them to let them go. I needed to do that for myself once I stopped being so angry.

I completely agree with what you say about a dwelling storing things. The stairs tend to be important to me, and often I'll remember how my Dad used to chase us upstairs to bed when we were kids, pretending to be a monster, and how that has come true in the worst way.

I think on balance I've dealt with the loss ok up to now, but the PTSD remains. It can't be reasoned with or worked through. It's just there, though it does fade over time.

And I am sorry... My username is vague. I'm a girl. I was a Daddy's girl... once.

Thanks again, and I hope you're doing all right. I see your nervous mood.

(((wolfsong)))

Charlie_J

(((((CharlieJ)))))Dear Lord...I always have to search...within every situation...for it to serve a purpose.For the very life of me...there is no reason why something this horrific should ever have to happen in someones life.What I mean by 'for it to serve a purpose' is I always look to events to serve some sort of life experience which would evolve our psyche or ....gahhh something...UGH.
This experience you have had IRL served nothing except to be an unimaginable and epic nightmare.And realizing this...I had to think...there are untold occurrences on this planet which shake us to the absolute core...and can't have served any useful meaning for growth.That thought somehow never settled into my head before now.Now I can see that there are things in this life which are so devastating and are truly random in the sense that nothing but bad comes from it.(I don't mean just in your case...I mean throughout history) As far as the dreams...I guess that our minds take an event and create an array of interpretations from post traumatic stress .I have complete respect and acceptance of others beliefs and feelings related to afterlife or 'lack-of'.Ok so,this event is 10 years old?...I have to wonder about how you processed this through the time from then,till now.I am so sorry that a memory of your dad being playful...chasing you up the stairs...now has connotations of your real-life night mare.He WAS just being playful right?I understand what you mean on the P.T.S.D...I think I am finding the same thing with my own personal traumas.If they aren't constant...then they (the flash backs) are at the very least...recurring.I wish you peaceful days and nights.I wish I could do more than wish.I feel like I spouted a bunch of useless words compared to what I want to do with communicating.((((Charlie_J)))))

[Charlie_J]

((((wolfsong))))

Forgive me for taking this long to reply to your thoughtful post, but my response has taken some thinking for me to put together.

Firstly, I don't believe in "things happening for a reason" either. I don't have to look far to see it isn't just me. Even right now in Japan. There are no words. It's got to be difficult even to know how many are missing. Imagine if you died, and everyone who could have reported you missing died along with you.

Yes, my Dad was just being playful with the chasing his kids upstairs game. He was a good Dad.

So, I have three distinct issues. A pre-existing bipolar-type disorder, PTSD, and the loss of my Dad and brother to suicide.

Time is a healer. It's a cliche, but it's true, and where loss and grief are concerned it's a good job. I've worked on my grief over the years. You can chip away at the feelings of anger and sort them out. You can learn to accept and forgive. You can come to understand there are questions you'll never know the answers to and stop it from eating away at you inside. It isn't easy, but it can be done. I'll never be the same. It isn't something you "get over". Rather, it's something you adapt to living with.

The PTSD can't be worked on, it just is, but as with loss, over time it is less consuming. It gets better, at least in my case.

The bipolar might well be a gift of genetics, since according to my mother, my paternal grandmother was hospitalised and had electric shock therapy for it. So far I've just been treated for my depressive episodes with anti-depressants. Now, here's the tough part for me. It doesn't get better with time like the other things.

I've taken my time to reply because this is the kind of logical reasoning that leads me to hopeless places I don't want to dwell too long.

It doesn't get better, and over time I'd say that my depressive episodes get more physically debilitating, and my manic ones more delusional. I just can't get anything done. It's like trying to live a life that involves a neverending series of near fatal car crashes preceded by exhuberant speeding. I'm a woman with an IQ of 166 and I can't stay on the rails long enough to get an education. I can't even keep a job. My T says I'm young, and I suppose I am at 34, I'm just not entirely sure I like the idea. It sounds less like hope and more like a prison sentence. Still, there's always the chance that a change in medication will help. Perhaps mood stabilisers are the way to go. I'll be discussing it with my doctor soon, and he's a good doctor.

*looks at thread* Talk about off topic. Sorry about that.

Stay well.

Ahhh.....Japan.I know...so horrifically devastating.I agree...somethings in life are of such a great magnitude and impact,that they become incorporated into our make-up.I agree as well things fade.For me its like I ruminate on sh88 though.I hate that about me.I am thinking that BiPolar does have genetic connotations...as does schizophrenia and its related illnesses.Ugghhh I want to say more,especially on the BiPolar...it is a subject I am uneducated about.But,from what I know it is a tremendously impacting disorder...((((Charlie))))I want to research it and learn more.But,with the way you feel...I don't want to end on that thought so......A Polar Bear Joke...(since we were speaking of Bi-Polar) Which is not at all funny.I am hoping to make you smile.A baby Polar bear asks his mum..."Mum,am I 100% Polar bear?Well,dad and I are both 100% polar bear...so yes I believe you are."Not satisfied...he goes and asks his dad the same question.Dad pauses briefly,"Well...mums parents and my parents were full Polar Bear so I'd have to agree with her...you are full Polar Bear...."Dad looks at his cub and says..."Why do you ask?" Cub says..."Cause I'm f***ing freezing!".I hope it is ok to put this...I needed to try to get you to smile.~W~

[Charlie_J]

lol... yes, we could all always be a cold polar bear! We are lucky to be human and have the capacity for love and comfort.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, wolfsong. Bipolar is not always bad. *looks around shiftily* The more mild hypomania bits are actually quite uplifting.

I hope you're doing okay. Thank you for making me smile.

Nooo....this was not an insinuative remark of 'coldness'....It was just relative in that BiPOLAR and POLAR bear...have POLAR in common.(A word association thing.Somehow my head does that all the time.)Not indicative of bipolars being cold whatsoever...contrarily...they are some of the deepest most lovely souls out there...they just have an exclamation point following all that they feel.I hope this clears any misunderstanding.~W~

[Charlie_J]

Oh, I didn't take it that way at all! Please don't think so.

Honestly, I just meant I could always be out in the snow and cold and unable to do anything about it... like a polar bear. It's the bright side I'm looking at there *g*

And I did get the link between bipolar and polar. I like playing with words too. I think many of us who are here are very creative thinkers.

((((wolfsong))))

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm still thinking of you and understand some of what you're saying. PTSD is horrible...the nightmares, the flashbacks, the anxiety...the list is too long. You're doing a good job of expressing yourself here!