[kitcatz]

Just found out that My mother (the cause of my PTSD) is coming to visit for "a few days" so I don't even know how long I have to deal with her for, The T isn't going to be much help, as I just met her for the first time yesterday. I am in an absolute panic over this. I can't tell her not to come, as she is bringing my daughter home from a visit. Not to mention that when She is around I go from being a 41yo adult to being a 14yo kid again, and she makes me just want to hide in a closet...My husband will be some help, but he just doesn't get how Panicked I am about this, I've got about a month and a half to stress about this, just enough time to work myself up into a total mess. Anyone have any ideas?

[Open Eyes]

Hi Kitcatz,

Well, I dont understand everything, she has your daughter with her?

Anyway, sorry to hear you have just started with a therapist and are a long way from addressing this PTSD situation regarding your mother, can you schedule more appointments, perhaps even extra long appointments?
You say you have over a month to stress about it, maybe you could use whatever time there is to work on it, even if it is expensive, it could help alot in planning strategies of how to fight the different ways she triggers you.

Now as far as the triggers are concerned, you should have a journal and write down what you now know about her that triggers you. Because you have a month to figure out the whys about those triggers and how you can deflate them. Because your right, you are no longer 14 or younger and the only one that can allow her to put you there is YOU.

It is not about stressing, it is about learning how to control YOUR REACTIONS TO HER. The good thing is that at you know what a trigger is and through therapy you will figure out the woman behind that mask and that will help you imensely. Many of her behaviors are learned and even handed down and even caused by her own issues. So knowing the woman verses just the mother that obviously did not treat you well will help.

You can PM me if you want, ease up
Open Eyes, ps, I have trigger people too in my life so I understand.

[Open Eyes]

One more suggestion, maybe it would be a good time to plan a vacation and she can only stay for as little as possible. Your husband could help you with that, it is a month away, perhaps he can plan a minni vacation surprise and wooops mom, sorry we are leaving on such and such with the daughter, sorry mom, my husband planned this.

Just another idea
Open Eyes

[kaliope]

From the sounds of it, being honest with her isnt an option? (I wrote my dad - the source of my PTSD- a letter a few years ago outlining the abuse of my childhood and how it has impacted my life. I requested no further contact. I was a mess over it, got hospitalized, but it was so freeing)

Could you prehaps put her up in a hotel for her stay? Plan activities such as going to the movies, local museums and such. Places where you are together but the interaction is focused on external things that wouldnt require so much personal interaction between the two of you. Go out to eat for meals where conversation will be less likely to get out of control. or you could schedule appointments for yourself during the time that she is there so that your time with her is interrupted when you have to go off and do other things without her.

I think most important for you is to not spend the next month worrying about what is going to happen when she gets here. You are going to have to use a lot of positve self talk. Everytime her visit pops into your head you need to tell yourself that you will handle that situation when you come to it. You will only make it worse by worrying about it now.

[(JD)]

Oh no! ......well, yes my first thought is put her up in a hotel... but generally that isn't an option....
and yes, I thought of you making plans that cause you to be away....
and maybe make other options for your daughter to share the local sites (or whatever) with her now they are in your home (area)....
try and be ok with being a 14 yo? Make foods ahead of time and freeze them so meal time is easier? Decide on clothes to wear and places to go that aid you in not having to be the hostess for your mom...

Listen, my sons and their wives/families have avoided me quite well, so I'm sure you can do this.

I would nail down how long she's expecting to stay, or YOU in response give her the dates she is welcomed ... and give her the number to the local hotel? This is done all the time, trust me....

oh, yeah, give your spouse extra responsibility too...and write it down for him since you probably won't be able to explain it when you are being triggered!

AND don't write off your new T at all! Ts can help keep you grounded and make plans...and offer extra contact if you need it (if you talk about it and plan ahead)....they can do all that without knowing all of your history etc.... it's a matter of helping you through being triggered, and fighting the PTSD reactions.