[fogdolphinblue]

I have struggled with mild/moderate depression for 20 years, mostly manageable with medication and off and on therapy, but have been three times diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I have been through a series of traumas/stressors over the past year that many people find heroic. The thing is, after coping in numb shock for nearly a year, I was tired of being numb from the SSRI, so I cut my dosage in half (which is what I have been on in the past). Now, six weeks after halving my dose, I can recognize all the signs of major depression again, but I am at least able to grieve and cry, which I feel I need to do in order to process what happened. So, I am in a quandary. I cannot afford therapy at this time because I lost my health benefits due to needing to take care of my daughter the past year. I would love anyone else's input. I can choose to increase my dose again and be "perky" and superwoman, but does that really help anything in the long run? I mean, can a person eventually implode if they can't process this much trauma?

After reading about personality disorders, I am convinced my ex, the father of my child, has characteristics of three of them (NPD, OCD, BPD) and likely self-medicates with alcohol which can increase his symptoms. I even mentioned this to his doctor, and she said PD is the most difficult thing in the world to treat because of the level of denial involved. Are there any support groups for people who have to be involved (only for my child) with a person who likely has this diagnosis but refuses to acknowledge it? It is like this diagnosis hardly exists in the eyes of the medical community, the legal system, yet it can be so toxic to all around the person suffering.

In case my situation gives you any perspective about yours (I have been told it makes people feel better about their life to read about mine), here's my list of 2005 poopy events. I'm ready for 2006 to be better.

--I had my previously healthy significant other airlifted to Harborview for an aortic dissection, was told he'd never walk again (thankfully not true)
--He was diagnosed three months later with sarcoidosis.
--He and I parted ways 9 months ago
--My daughter was diagnosed with cancer one week before her 4th birthday
--Her dad, my x-husband, threatened my life so I had to file a protection order against him
--This caused my daughter and I to be evicted from the Ronald McDonald House
--We moved six times during her intensive chemo treatment at Children's Hospital
--We returned to the RMH after two months on the run, with the caveat her dad could not come to the premises
--My wallet was stolen
--Personal belongings were stolen by my ex out of our daughter's hospital room
--My car was smashed and my wallet stolen a second time (not by my ex)
--My ex filed a legal motion to stop my daughter and I from relocating to our island home after her intense treatment, for which I spent $2000 to combat, only to have his lawyer a no show at the hearing
--Currently my ex is not approving our daughter's right to see a counselor, and he has joint custody (alternating weekends), so his approval is necessary legally
--He has not paid for the past three months of our child's daycare costs to allow me to work
--I have exhausted the limit of the family law legal system, have gone through 3 lawyers, $40,000 over 4 years, one guardian ad litem who quit our case citing "issues" with his lawyer
--his lawyer and he are best friends, they insist on my daughter calling him "uncle Mike"
--his lawyer runs late night TV ads on Fox, one being banned by a lawyers association due to appearing to be a porn site ad.

[JustBen]

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fogdolphinblue said:So, I am in a quandary. I cannot afford therapy at this time because I lost my health benefits due to needing to take care of my daughter the past year. I would love anyone else's input.

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Have you talked to your county's department of mental health? They're usually set up to help people find treatment when they can't afford it. You might also consider Catholic Charities--they usually offer counseling services, and it's not a situation where they're going to try to sell you on the religion.

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I even mentioned this to his doctor, and she said PD is the most difficult thing in the world to treat because of the level of denial involved. Are there any support groups for people who have to be involved (only for my child) with a person who likely has this diagnosis but refuses to acknowledge it? It is like this diagnosis hardly exists in the eyes of the medical community, the legal system, yet it can be so toxic to all around the person suffering.

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When a person has a mood disorder, they can tell they're going through something. (Like you can tell that you're dealing with some depression right now.) But with personality disorders, it usually doesn't feel like anything to the person because it's just part of his or her personality. (At least at first.) That's why it's so hard to treat. It would be like if someone tried to treat you for liking the color blue. You'd think, "There's nothing wrong with this. This is just who I am."

As for support groups, you could contact NAMI (www.nami.org) they do a lot of good work with families of the mentally ill. I don't know if you'll find anything as specific as a "group for the children of parents with personality disorders who refuse to acknowledge it" but I'll bet that you can find a good general support group for family members of those with mental illness. (And why "only for my child"? Maybe you should consider attending, too. It could be helpful.)

Good luck.

[hillbunnyb]

Dear Fog, I'm impressed you are still on your feet. All I have to give are my best wishes. Hang in there. Write us here to relieve a bit of the pressure, and know that lotsa folks care about you. ok?

[BlueFaith]

Hi, Fog. Wow, you have had a really tough year. JustBen gave you some really good advice there. I hope you are able to get the help you need. Welcome to PC. I am looking forward to getting to know you. Take care.

[(JD)]

Welcome to PC, fog. I hope the suggestions you will receive here, and the support as you continue to post, will encourage you and give you good ideas for coping! TC

[Zorah]

Welcome to PC fog

I hope the support that is freely offered here will help you. I came here after a couple of years like that & it has helped a lot.

[EJ711]

Fog,

Sorry 2005 has been such a horrific year for you. I pray that 2006 will be a calmer.

I would not alter your medication without consulting a doctor first.

Let us know how things are going.

Jane

[(JD)]

Welcome to PC fog, sorry you need the site. Yes, that is a huge amount of stressors.. for a lifetime! Why are you fighting the medication? I wish I could take an AD to assist me... Please go back to the dose your doctor wants you on, and work in therapy sessions to change ... IMO you are one of the ppl who need talk therapy to help change brain chemicals and reactive feelings... heavy duty work... but I think, with all you have lived through... you can do it. TC