[ThanatosHealing]

DISCLAIMER - I've already posted to the abuse section as well, so I know how this goes. If you get triggers from cuss words or other stuff about stories of trauma and abuse, please don't read any further. If you are going to be offended by my language I apologize, maybe you shouldn't read this.

- I am 24 years old and the language.. helps me feel better a bit. So-

I guess I can give you the long version because this is something thats been going on for about 8-9 years now.

I met this girl when I was 16. I transferred to the school she enrolled to just that year. I didn't know her at all but I'm one of those people that if I see you with a cool shirt, or cool hair- I'm going to tell you. So she's wearing this cute shirt that says " I'm looking for myself, if you see me before I do, keep me there. " -

I tell her I like her shirt, we laugh we get to know one another enough to exchange info so we can hang out.

At first glance, this girl is sweet and when I hang out with her for the first few times, she's really nice and theres nothing wrong. She has a little bit of a temper but nothing out of the ordinary and her family seems fine.

2-3 years later I meet her again because we've fallen away from each other due to whatever is going on.

Issues start to spring up because I stay longer than a week sometimes etc, and with all this time spent close to her- I stat realizing I have feelings for her. Strong ones. One thing leads to another and I end up together ( sexually ) - I admit I have feelings for her in one of those heated moments and ..well needless to say it wasn't a hollywood romance moment unless you count those dramatic ones where bad things happen and then the couple ends up together.

Well, we start having issues because I realize I want to date her- and she tells me that she thinks that same sex stuff is an abomination unto God, and that she wants a white picket fence and kids, with a dog and all that American dream stuff.

Breaks my heart but I try to be sympathetic and just stick by her side while letting her know I still care. We're fighting a lot by this point, no matter what I do, I'm making her mad. I end up leaving because I can't take anymore of the fighting. I may be strong willed and hard to anger- but only so much yelling and being ignored, as far as when I " do something wrong " - is ok, before I can't take it anymore. So I leave I just don't say anything and I leave and I don't see her again.

Things go on for maybe a year later, I come back into her life by chance and magically, shes dating my ex girlfriend, who cheated on me- after telling me she was 1. Not gay and 2. Not willing to try.

I harbored some spite for a while over the issue I do admit, but I tried not to be upset as I watched my cheating ex- girlfriend dating the girl I was full on in love with. Needless to say, same issues she was having with me? Came up with the ex. I was there to hold my interest up, and she ended up leaning on me for support. You see, when I'm not in the seat of power- I'm all good and can do no wrong. But when I'm not, when she's focused on me, it's all me, I have all the issues.

So back and forth goes on for a bit, but eventually I end up dating her. Finally. She gives me a chance but we fight so much that its got me crying all he time, shes crying all the time. I can hardly remember what most of our fights were over save for the ones where she would get mad at me for divulging the contents of my day to her, and then asking how her day was. Those were always the fights where she would normally just ignore me or make me fight to get a word out of her.

We end up having an argument ..it had to have been about september 19th of 2007, I remember because it was a week before a convention I went to, to get my mind off of things. You see, she and I had gotten into another fight. And I was on call to a friend online- she was calming me down from the fight . . we were laughing and this girl made me feel alive she was the girl that was making me happy- and I really wanted to be with her.

My mom and her husband come into the room and tell me they needed to talk to me. I remember because it was so.. so dark in my room and my computer was to my left at an angle, while my bed was horizontally back against my longest bedroom wall. I dont remember the right corner because it was dark and my parents were around me. But .. they told me my grandfather had passed a week before hand. I was so .. shaken because he was so young that I couldn't make a sound I just stared and it hurts me still to this day because .. I refused to talk to my then ex girlfriend ( the girl I'm having issue with ) - because she had broken up with me. It was a week afterwards, something like the 27th or so. Give or take for my memory, but she got ahold of me, and told me that I needed to come see her because she wasn't going to let me be a recluse ( after I told her my grandfather had died, and that I could speak with her right now because I needed to grieve ) - But I told her I would come see her, then just stopped talking to her again all together. October 3-4 I went to my convention.

She consistently tells me that my story is wrong. But I remember being away at the con, and I have the items I bought, to prove that I was there and remember every last bit of it.

But she brings this subject up to say how bad my memory was etc. We've been in and out of relationships for years now. Together or with other people and I've caught the brunt of every bad relationship, been there to help her, but after all thats been said and done, I can't tell her how I feel. She always tries to give me advice and tells me I'm acting stupid over a situation that makes me upset. And I tell her I dont want advice or that I don't want to talk about it and she instantly tells me I'm a bad friend for not wanting to share my feelings with her.

She likes to point out that because I go to someone elses house to hide away, that is the reason we have issues because I'm so much more ready to hang out with my friends than spend time with her. Regardless of us NOT dating. She needs me to talk to her everyday, otherwise she says I'm ignoring her. She constantly tells me that her ex-friend was much more considerate than me.

And our most recent fights have been over issues such as me waking up, at something like 7am, I have issues sleeping so normally I go to bed at like 4am and wake up at noon. But this day I woke up at 7am after going to bed at something like 3-4am. I woke up, was incoherent really and went to brush my teeth with her. I brush my teeth, and apparently in my "inconsiderate nature " - go to turn the faucet off, not realizing that at this time, she was about to use it, to wash her hands. Instead of saying hold on, she looks at me as I'm reaching to turn off the faucet, I laugh- because I thought that I'd done something stupid, and she gets SO ticked, that she grabs the door, telling me to leave, and slams it on me, before I can get out of it- smacking my elbow pretty hard with the door, so not only was I jostled, and upset because I was bothered, but now my elbow was in pain. We got into it. I don't even remember if it was resolved but I know I was repeatedly called stupid, told I was a pathetic and worthless, inconsiderate friend. And did not once say anything of the sort to her. In fact, all I did really was apologize . . repeatedly.

Her alibi for most of these incidents is that because she's told me about my inability to be a good observer, or a considerate and caring friend- that she hates repeating herself and feels she shouldn't have to. She will purposely ignore me while we're talking as I'm trying to figure out if I've done something wrong too- and then claim that if she was ignoring me for something I'd have done, she would have told me. Which is not always the case.

She always tells me that I should stop " trying " - and do it. I'm .. sorry if I seem stupid but, I was under the impression that when you're improving yourself, you don't always see the change. So please correct me someone, if I'm wrong.

Our most recent fight was over an issue that was absolutely ridiculous. Two of them actually.

The first occurred before I left from staying at her house. You see, I woke up early with her again and like most days I sit and try to think for a little while when I wake up. I pray, I rub my eyes a bit and generally just gather myself. Hopefully so I don't do anything stupid during the morning to set her off on a bad mood. I believe it was either 9-10am at this point, not bad considering.

She goes for a shower, normal.. ish routine. She comes back after her shower in her towel, and begins to pick things up. Not normal routine. Not normal at all. Normally, she gets dressed and then if she plans on doing something she does it then. But instead, she has a shower hat and a towel on, and shes picking up pillows from the floor and moving them. So I think to myself " What is she doing? " - and I sit and try to figure it out for a moment, she starts picking up things near her small stand, and then begins to unravel her vacuum chord. The second I open my mouth, and just barely start to move from the edge of her bed, she wastes no time- without looking up at me and says " Are you going to get up off your fat lazy *** and help me? Or are you going to just sit there, because if you're just going to sit there, you can leave. " - At which point as I'm leaving because I realize shes pissed, I say " No no- I ..I was going to help. " - as soon as I was done figuring out what the heck she was doing.

Apparently she was going to vacuum her room. Well, she calls me back to move my computer, and I do this, she starts talking about my being inconsiderate and I explain that " I was going to help, but I was confused as to what you were doing, I was trying to figure it out. " - and she says to me " You could have asked? " - to which I reply " Well I was trying to figure it out on my own? " -

Normally if I ask a question, to which she thinks theres an obvious answer, she says something like " What does it look like I'm doing? " - to which I probably at that time would have replied " I honestly don't know. " - We would have had another argument then.

Needless to say, yet again, another argument springs up. This is at this point, ridiculous, because shes telling me how uncaring I am, and how she needs better friends etc. When things come down to it- I have to leave anyway and shes thinking that I should. She tells me theres no reason for me to stay because I have been " inconsiderate " the entire time, and causing issues.

I had things to do, so I get some calls from home etc and I hear that my mom thinks my dad wants me home etc etc. Talk to another friend to insure a ride home and then tell my ex and she gets royally angry and she tells me that ( this is after a quite a lot of heated talking ) - if I leave, I am never going to see her again, and that our friendship is over. So I had to make a choice between going home because my dad wants me home ( for reasons ) - or staying her friend. So I'm starting to cry, she starts telling me my dad doesn't love me, and that hes not my real father with no obligation to me etc etc. In that time my friend has tried to contact me, and ends up not getting a hold of me so she gets worried and comes over to pick me up.

She shows up, and my ex changes her tune to seem like she was trying to help me this entire time. " Oh we were just discussing her family " - etc, she says to my friend. My friend knows better. She knows that under two circumstances, I was slapped by my ex, and then on a third I was grabbed by the throat and slammed back so hard my head hit the wall and then I was pinned by my neck, to my bed. It was the sheer will of God that I did not strike back at that moment, because everything in me at that moment told me to kill her for touching me. But I didn't. - God I'm trying not to cry right now just from recounting that moment.

So I went home. The other issue of a fight we had after that one, not so much important to me because I'm deciding to do what I want to do regardless of her approval.

But now that all of this has happened, I still shake, and when I get super stressed, I start rocking. Sometimes harder than others.

On another circumstance with another girl that I'll name RA - she was a drug addict. And she was mooching off my dad, this is to show you essentially where I am with my stability after these past 8-9 years. She moved in with my dad, my brother and I. Apparently from her being around, it caused my brothers mental strength to snap and caused issues at my home.

She essentially ended up stepping on my toes one day. Playing her music loud, inviting strangers into my dads home, insulting my brother. One day it was just too much she was talking about letting her friend stay, eating our food, that I pay for, and just being obnoxious in general. I called my dad and told him she had someone in the house I didn't know. My dad.. didn't think of the consequences of calling her while he was out of town and this girl was in his house.. with me and my brother who was asleep.

She came pounding on my door at 6am, after waking me up in the first place at around 3am with her loudness and slamming of doors. Asking me what I'd said to my dad. So she stood with her hip cocked and her arms crossed tapping her foot. This girl was shorter than me so normally I wouldn't have been intimidated but at this point, she was working on my last nerve and I was already stressed as it was.

So I said " Let me explain " - and she said okay, with her attitude. I began to explain that she invited someone I didnt know into the house, and it bothered me, so I called my dad and before I could finish speaking she had cut me off- which is one of the things my ex girlfriend used to do all the time. When I would try to explain myself, she would cut me off- and not ever allow me to finish- she would " try " to let me speak but it was after she was done unloading or yelling at me, and by that point I didn't remember what I was trying to say.

So RA's response was " OH So what am I, a child, do I look like I need a babysitter- " -

At that point I lost it. I moved forward on her and I screamed at the top of my lungs, shaking " You need to chill the **** down right.. now.. " - and I kept repeating it, no matter what she said. I shouted so loud repeatedly that I woke my brother out of a dead sleep, with his isolating headphones, and his fan facing towards the door. We were in the hallway at this point, and once I yelled at her, she started backing down and saying " Its ok honey, calm down - your the one who needs to calm " - but I didn't let her back down. Not only did her friend come from the room, so did my brother, and he boxed her in, and I was on the other side. I was five seconds from grabbing her and trying to cave her head in. But I didn't..

I moved away and just stood in the hall shaking and slightly twitching. My brother tried to explain in an assertive tone to the girl that she had set off one of my nervous habits from my ex. Because he knew about my twitching since my ex.

So I was literally bobbing my head really fast. Standing there, but once I was lead into my room by her friend I collapsed on my knees.. and just rocked, holding myself- and began to cry. More like scream/sobbing but I just sat there crying loudly as if someone had murdered my mother. I felt broken and I still feel that way.

Every time I look at my ex I feel like she's stealing another piece of me. No matter what I do I can't change how she feels and I feel like a failure like I'm letting someone down and that I'll never be good enough. I really need someone to talk to, some help to feel better. And I don't know how to get over this.. I'm trying to move on with my life but I feel like if I leave her- which I still will do, that I'm going to hurt her really badly. .

Do I have more PTSD? Can someone tell me? .. Was I being abused? Am I being abused? I don't know..