[Rosie23]

Hi all, I am having quite a bit of trouble with relationships due to the trauma I suffered when my ex and his family kidnapped the kids from me 20 years ago. I don't remember most of it and honestly I am terrified of anything that resembles remembering it. His family hated me and it didn't matter what I did I was never going to be good enough for the first born son.
I did re-marry and oddly he was a bachelor who was an only child and no children and both parents had passed on. He passed away from cancer almost 3 years ago. I guess that's why that relationship worked.
So now I am starting to date again but I am terrified of dating someone with a family. I panic and truly run for home and hide.
I know that it is not reasonable to feel this way. I believe that every family has the ability to become this horrible clan who will rip your heart out and leave you feeling like the worst sort of parasite.
And honestly, I feel this way about my own family. Any unit that stands on its own has this ability in my mind to strip me of everything that is me.
I don't remember it and I am terrified to remember it. But I am tired of being alone all the time because of it.

[Susan Quinn]

Originally Posted by Rosie23

Any unit that stands on its own has this ability in my mind to strip me of everything that is me.

That is true if you are emotionally unsafe within that unit.

PTSD is a result of trauma changing brain chemistry. The side-effects of that trauma are what we deal with in therapy and through medication. Listening to your body and working with it can re-set the broken wiring of attachment disorders, depending on the age and amount of original breakdown.

Having PTSD has brought me to the study of power. I no longer participate in over/under relationships. By learning I-Statements and boundaries, my relationships have changed to respectful interaction where both parties are given the dignity and autonomy of their adult status. We negotiate our needs and choose to act interdependently or independently, but not codependently where one gives in resentfully to the other, which creates a bully dynamic.

Healthy respectful relations lead to trust where safer bonding replaces the bondage from the past. But, for me, it took validation and guidance from a therapist to show the way and medication (SSRI Citalopram) to calm my system. Life has gotten very, very good as a result.

PTSD is often considered to be a foe, but it can be a friend depending on how you work with your body in what it is trying to tell you. The brain's job is to keep you alive, to survive. It is also there to help you thrive within a healthy environment. Often times, we PTSD-ers have been overloaded with way too much for the human mind to cope with; our reaction is healthy and appropriate given the situation. It's when PTSD becomes a way of life that we suffer until we come to a place of release, which is where you seem to be currently. We benefit when we find those who protect and nurture us during this process, not shut us up and try numerous ways to kick us when we are down.

May these words give you validation and peace in your journey. Susan Quinn