[Yoda]

We were talking on another community about road rage and one guy said he quit flipping people the bird in road rage after he got followed last time he did.

That triggered the memory of when my meth crazed BF got mad in traffic and followed that car for miles at high speed and cussing and sh--. I had not thought about that wild ride for a long time. I thought I might die.

Perhaps I should not feel discomfort because I know how the story ends. I didn't die in a car crash. But still I feel something different; an unpleasant feeling. Is it about the car chase or is it because the violence got worse and I killed him in self defense months later?

What function do feelings have anyway when they are about things that are over?

Or is not the car chase that is the hurting part?
disclaimer: I ran out of 4 meds a week ago and sleep is really screwy so logic of posts may be approaching ludicrous level. Hypomania? Mania? I need my meds. Slow my brain down..........................

[kindachaotic]

Yoda, I'm so sorry you were triggered & can get your meds soon!

Getting things off your chest can help sometines, as tramatic as they may be. YOur post was not ludicrous.

Just know I read our post & hope you feel better soon!

[Yoda]

Thanks. It is sometimes hard for me to recognize how bizarre I am getting when I am out of meds.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Yoda))))) I hope you can get back on your medications, at least some of them.
There is nothing wrong with reacting when reminded of a bad situation, even though it is in your past you will remember, that must have been very upsetting when it happened. I feel the hardest part of being triggered is the anxious feeling that can come with the memory, that is the part we do have to try to control as much as we can and try to make sure we don't relive the anxiety that came with past events.

I have been thinking a lot about old memories, flashbacks. and how I get filled with anxiety that can be the worst part. I think that we naturally retreat because we begin to know that the anxiety can be what can injure our brain if we let it continue. It may be that your medication all this time may have helped your brain heal you know. I have read that SSRI's do help the amagdalla heal and grow new cells. So, try to see if you can work on not allowing the stress and anxiety get too strong. Remember that if we exprience PTSD one of the symptoms is catastrophizing and that doesn't mean that something important didnt happen, it does mean that if we are not careful we can feed more emotions than we need to into a memory by recalling the memory.

Try not to talk yourself into believing that without medication you will revert back to being out of control. I don't know what you were taking, but it may be that after a peroid you may balance out of the medication.
I was on medication years ago because I had a bad reaction to a drug that truely changed my chemistry that left me with a case of extreme depression. However after a while on medication to help me recover, I ended up easing off of the medication and I was fine.

As I mentioned, I don't know what medications you were on or why you stopped taking it, perhaps could not afford it or something, but don't just assume that you will get bad again. But if you are truely struggling, you may need to get back on some of the medication. It isn't good to doctor one's self and second guess.

((((((Hugs))))))

Open Eyes

[Perna]

I don't see anything bizarre in your post; it is funny/interesting and a great question (what use feelings about past events might be).

I think of feelings as being unconscious, kind of like dreams and their symbols. So, I use the feelings as information to tell me more about myself and how I view myself, others, and situations I am or have been in. If I have a strong reaction to a memory, it is, to me, like having a strong reaction to a dream about prior people or events; it just says I am working on better understanding that part of my life.

High speed driving is very scary; I still remember when my oldest brother was supposed to be taking my other two brothers and myself to church and was doing a little drag racing of his own, over 80 mph and this back in the 1950's. I was in the backseat and felt very unsafe and begged for him to slow down. I believe my next older brother was able to get him too. I just realized writing this reply that my oldest brother has always been "like that" and I think it is a telling event in our 60-some odd year history together?

There, a piece of good information for me, a pattern of behavior that helps me in the present with my feelings about my brother in the present.

Don't know what your memory and feeling of "speed" and danger (now there's a dream symbol if ever there was one) might be telling you; if it were my memory. . . :-) I'd see how your boyfriend's behavior was out of your control for a long time and your later actions, truly in self defense and that you have been in there feeling and working for you a long time too, being as good to yourself and helping yourself as well as you could/can.