[shoez]

*BEFORE you keep reading, this might be triggering*
I posted this in another forum but didnt get many responses but I realy need help with this


I was on the bus today, and I mentioned in my last post, I disclosed that there was (SA)in my past for the first time at T last week, honestly. I havent spoken openly about it since I had to report it to the police 6 years ago..since then Ive tried to pretend it didnt happen. But I...
Im so scared Im so frightened, I feel like Im going to jump out of my skin and I just have to get up and run away.

But....Im just so lost so anyway, I was on the bus today and this man got on the bus and he had all these bags and I was behind him and he kept moving back and his pants were almost in my face and suddenly I freaked out I started getting this huge flood of memories, and I grabbed onto the pole and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I was trying to focus on ANYTHING on the bus anything ...I was just panicking...I felt like I couldnt get away...I wanted to get up and run out of that bus.

I have T in a day...and I had such a horrific week full of this...full of all these things, and sometimes I get there and when she asks me how my week was, I freeze and choke...and I dont like writing things down for fear I will imagine them again...I dont know what to do!!
One time, I had a vivid memory where everything was black and white..and I literally saw and felt his hands on me....Im too scared to tell T this...what if she thinks im a freak.

Can anyone identify with this black and white memory thing and ...wanting to run away and panic..

Im so scared guys, I wish I didnt have to do this by myself.

[become_UNmasked]

*safe hugs* i'm sure your t won't think you are a freak!!!! i wish i had some words of wisdom.. something to say to mitigate your anxiety, fear, sadness, everything to give you more peace.. anything at all but i have nothing.. so instead just know you aren't alone... and i send you safe hugs

[Switch]

((((Shoez))))

I'm sorry I can't offer more than just a virtual hug! Don't worry too much about telling your T, I'm sure they won't think you're a freak.

I can't relate to the black and white, but I know my memories are mostly from third person. *shrug* people remember things in different ways. Black and white could be just how your brian stored it, and for something like SA, I wouldn't be surprised.

You're not alone shoez! We're all here for you.

sometimes this happens...you're ok...actually i think you are "normal"

think of it like a earthen damn...there is a little tiny hole...with a plug..& one day the hole gets pushed thru & the waters just flood thru...that is what happened to you. now that the secret is out...memories will flood thru. happened to me, i think it probably happens to everybody in some fashion.

remember that pole...how you grabbed it. when the memories happen..do the same. sit,..ground yourself. reconnect with what is NOW...remember to breathe..that it isn't happening now & that was then.

seripously you are doing great...you told your t, now you will start the hard work of healing...it ain't easy but in the end (& there is an end) you will be better for it...it will be a little like a roller coaster for a bit tho.

something you saw triggered a memory..a flashback & it put you right back in that time...as tho it was occurring again. each person remembers things differently...some of the things i recalled made no sense to me until i figured out that as a kid this is what was important to me then...(my ah ha moment)...

when the memories come..honor them...because it was awful...& you got thru it. you survived. you made it thru once..& you will make it thru again. i know you will..because you are strong.

after when you feel a little settled..go for a walk, eat an ice cream..do something you enjoy...but do it...preferably something active...so that you can burn off a little of the stress inside your body...

you are on the right path...it's a bumpy one but you are there..& there are lots of other peeps on it too so you won't get lost. not to worry.