[saltphoenix]

When I woke up, I was fine.

When I bent down to pick up my robe from the floor, my VERY large Weimeraner Dog was excited (what's new?), he came up to me and lifted one VERY large paw and in one quick swipe, TORE two fingernails down the inside of my left arm...

Now I have a high tolerance for pain, and most CERTAINLY not being the dramatic type, what happened next caused me GREAT concern... Sure, I know I have some paranoid tendencies... SURE, I know I am bipolar. I know I tend to be moody and not always with reason... I also know that I have struggled LONG and HARD to take the reins on my sanity with CBT, Meditation, nutritional supplements, and medication, among other tactics I use to stay stable...

What happened this morning was an amazing display of how triggers can snowball into an entirely different animal and strike out as a creature of their own... at least for me.

Had you been there, in my bedroom, you would have heard a blood curdling scream... And crying, and seen tears, and had you felt my pulse, it was racing, I became dizzy, short of breath, chest tight, and through the screaming, crying, stomping, kicking, yelling and meltdown I was having, you would have never thought it was two doggie toenails, that's all, TWO doggie toenails... you would have thought my entire family had been slaughtered... sorry to be so gross... That's exactly what it FELT like... or what I IMAGINE it would feel like.

It took me a few minutes to even become capable of sharing what I had just experienced.

It's amazing that in only minutes, (looking back on it) this is what I experienced:
Everything was fine.
I was surprised by something SUDDEN, PAINFUL, UNEXPECTED and OUT OF MY CONTROL...
I had the PHYSICAL sensation of just that: a sudden, unexpected, out of my control, painful attack... Remember this was just two scratches...
My mind reeled, my heart raced, I began to sweat, shake, become lost, fearful, jumpy, paranoid...

Well, I talked myself down. I told myself, "GEEZ!!! It was the DOG!!! SO WHAT??? WHY are you so flipped out?" LOGICALLY I knew what was going on, PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY, you couldn't tell me ANYTHING.

I felt things start to avalanche in: EVERY single attack, no matter how large or small- verbal, physical, financial, emotional... They all flooded my mind.

I began to become VERY ANGRY with every instance of attack, as if I had JUST experienced it. I began to weep. This was scary for me. Before I knew it, I hated everyone and everything. EVERYTHING has since then set me off...all day long.

I have been extremely foul all day. I've been grouchy and snippy with my boss (who is totally cool, and has mostly ignored me since he realized the state i've been in) I shut down a co-worker who was trying to play and tease me (I yelled at her: "This is NOT the day.") I want to run, hide, sleep, die. I want to be violent, angry, mean.
I am afraid of my DOG???? My very awesome, playful, and big dope of a dog???? I don't even want to see his face, I'm that angry... Now I know it isn't HIS fault that I'm a lunatic... and hopefully I'll be fine with him when I get home...And NO I didn't hit or beat him... I was too busy having a meltdown... the focus of my emotional, verbal and physical outburts was NOT him... it was EVERYTHING that has ever attacked me, that was painful, that I didn't expect, that was unwanted.

As I sorted out what had happened, and attempted to tell my S.O. the best thing I could come up with was: "well, it was similar to what I would imagine PTSD to be like"
Although I kind of had suspicion that I have a streak of it, due to certain events in my life and other behaviors and feelings, I am not treated for it, nor do I do anything "special" for it.

I guess I just wanted to ASK:
Do you experience "triggers" that set off a long series of events, feelings, emotions and actions?
One thing (no matter how small) leads to another leads to another until you have a huge avalanche of misery and physical debilitation?
And to top it all off... I am logical enough to understand what happened to me... but my BODY?Subconcious? WHAT IS IT? that still feels like crap... I'm jumpy STILL, I'm angry STILL, racing thoughts STILL... Feel like CRAP STILL.

I really hate not being able to control my feelings that way. Other than telling myself over and over and over and over... attempting to CONVINCE myself that "it's ok" when i really DO already KNOW it is ok??? How can you "fix" something that isn't even REAL???

I dunno... this is quite rambling, and I apologize... If you can put my experience into fewer words... GREAT! If you have a little bit of advice... GREAT!
I'm just feeling really really ******.

I have been doing SOOOO well in the sanity department. Almost 4 months stable, (a miracle) minus 3 hardish days, so this really was a disheartening experience.

NOTE TO SELF: In order to put the safety on your triggers always remember:
Eat well.
Get PLENTY of sleep. <--- This is where I THINK I screwed it all up, I had a LONG, exhausting, weekend, which I obviously haven't recovered from.
Take your supplements. <--- Ok, and I missed 2 days.
Read Comics.
Get a therapeutic massage. <--- Haven't had one in over a week.
Soak in the Hot Spring <--- Over a month ago.

Ramble groan complain... Anyone?

heh, some 1st post, huh?

[(JD)]

Welcome to PsychCentral, salt. That's quite an experience, to be sure... and I agree such an overreaction is cause for concern, imo.

I'm not sure having a "streak" of PTSD is quite the term, but it might be something you follow up on with a T? You can review the items that result in a diagnosis of PTSD... I hope, for you, that it isn't that...

Learning to handle stress, rather than allowing the stressors to build up (which I hope is all that happened with you) might prevent such long lasting reactions.

There is alot of information on this site, both by DocJohn, and in our posting... I hope it helps you figure out what's happened. TC

[saltphoenix]

This morning it was a pair of black socks...
It was like the world was over, and if not, I sure wanted it to be...
I feel like I've been beaten.
I feel broken, afraid, sad...
I think I'm moving this topic over to... I have no idea. I don't know if it should go under depression, bipolar, general insanity, I just don't know.
I feel like crap, and I feel like crap because I didn't do EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT so that I feel well. I have to have the PERFECT amount of sleep, eat JUST the right things, NEVER miss even ONE day of meds, Don't get overloaded with sounds, sight, smells, sensations... I hate having to have my environment "just so" in order to lead a fairly productive and successful life. That isn't very realistic. :-( It's angering and frustrating that I need to be coddled and careful, that I have to walk on eggshells around MYSELF in order to not blow a gasket. So much to say, and not the energy or words to say it in... this bites.

[pegasus]

Hang in there saltphoenix!
Post traumatic stress tends to make us ultra sensitive to anything that may remind us of what started it off in the first place.ie. a trigger that sets it off. Getting cross with yourself does not help.
Anxiety and depression are part of it and that makes you think that you have everything wrong with you.
You need to be kinder to yourself and understand that it takes a long time to get through this. And you will!
I hope you have a good therapist to help you.

Can you give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself to something special. You deserve it.

[(JD)]

IMO control issues stem from the PTSD also... as with the trauma, we weren't in control (or things would have ended differently) so we try and regain control over everything we can...

that can become excessive and unfulfilling...and make us more miserable... learning to let go, allow things to "be" and not overreact is key in managing ptsd.

[Samanthaq]

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Oh . . . My . . . Goddess . . .

You have just exactly described what my life is like sometimes. The good news (if you could call it that) is you are not, NOT alone. The bad news, and I hate to tell you this, is that I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD.

I never know exactly what, or when something is going to set me off, steal another day of my life.

One day my sister, sister-in-law and I were in OfficeMax and honestly I have no idea what my sister said, something simple I'm sure. The tone of voice was what did it. One second I'm there having a simple, peaceful day, and then it is all happening all over again. The violence, pain, rape, everything happening all over again. I wrote something a while back, that was what I was feeling after one such attack. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...rt=&PHPSESSID=

Maybe this will make some sense, maybe not, if nothing else you'll see you are not alone . . .

Feel better and hang in there, believe it or not (I didn't for the longest time) it is healthy in some ways . . .

[emergingtoo]

I absolutely do relate to what you said here:

". . . experience "triggers" that set off a long series of events, feelings, emotions and actions?
One thing (no matter how small) leads to another leads to another until you have a huge avalanche of misery and physical debilitation?

This is EXACTLY what happens to me too. It all starts with one trigger and then it goes downhill from there until I have one of my emotional "episodes." One of the most difficult things about it is that somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that I am probably over-reacting, but I can't stop. I get so overwhelmed that it feels like a crisis, and then afterwards I am so exhausted just from the stress of the whole experience. My therapist and pdoc have diagnosed with with Complex PTSD.