trying to get a new step with this

I am sorry for what I posted a few days ago- I logged into today due to I had a mini break down but it was with my S/O which is a good thing-- That is one thing that the Therapist and Pdocs said was to continue with talking with him.. I am blessed to have him- please understand that this is my situation with my S/O not everyone does this work with.

Today is one of my abusers birthdays and with the recent things, plus things just building up from a few months ago- I sort of just - not me and lost a lot.

At first I wrote two notes, one was so angry with triggers from what has been going on for me, that I retyped a shorter one that was more with flow but also pointed out a few problems here recent.

My emotions all over the place- Void in me as well at times, i just was not doing quiet well- I have not been the last few days I have been basically sleeping and that is waste-- i tell myself to stop but I can't seem to be motivated-- at least today i took a chance to come on PC again.

My SO mentioned he did not want to get legally binding till we were financially secure - which a part of me understands another part of me thinks he just does not want to be with me, and that I am a crazy lady for putting my FB status to all my friends and family as married to him with a little cliff note of note legally but I feel that way-- Today my letter expressed this, but he is on the same page- he is just worried if he files bankruptcy due to his bad bills due to hospitals and we are married, then we both have than just one- or with me to him as well- that was one thing then there was like a few other things I mentioned in my note that were light....

I ended up crying hysterically with things even off this subject and about my past and about one of my abusers' birthday's (my older brother/not one that is on other post about drugs abuse) and that my parents celebrate him but me and my other brother don't exist and all and etc.; BUT with this crying- I let a LOT of things out that is around this abuser of mine.

My SO told me it was ok to be hurt, to cry, to stop saying sorry, to not hold their guilt of what they did, and that it is ok to be mad, it is ok to not think about them as time goes on..... Some what like I need to stop memories if I can due to they are part of my re-traumatizing myself-

I told him in 2009 things were so much better--- the biggest thing I can remember that differs from now is I litterally in 2009 had NO CONTACT with my family- and NOW I have contact with two sisters and my one brother (sort of)... My boyfriend does not support everyone leaving their families; but with this--- with me bringing up what started things down hill, then life misfortunes of surgery for me in 2010, and that 2011 was just crap with work--- and now- I am turning into that everything triggers me- like I see everyone as what I grew up with-- he said maybe I should just cut ties again for a year and see if I do better.....

They are on my fb right now, I don't want to delete them-- lol I am sorry I have to laugh at my self due to this is stressful for me; but I am soo messed up with this- due to this is my own answer for me but he is just telling me from another- like the therapist told me in 2010; we found a solution-- but I am having soo much trouble finishing the job for myself.

Today was good though- I am thinking I will make a special list with a few friends on it and that will be my posting, and i will just ask to hide theirs (my siblings) for a while....... I don't want to delete them due to I don't want to hurt their feelings.. if they don't know I am on, maybe? two sibling never post anything anyways-- one only really negative things...

By they way This is not a solution for everyone by the way-- I just for some reason needed to get this out-

One thing my S?o Boyfriend- whatever you want to call him-- said was that this is really hard for me due to it is what I grew up with-- it is what I saw, lived through, and it was just what it was... now I am older, I have broken mostly away but not completely, and even if it would be completely, i see traits in people and end up seeing what the worst of what I saw in my own family members eventually-- he told me it is ok, it will take time, and that it is going to be hard......

For some reason that really helps today...

after a few minutes i told him I felt good but I felt odd too-- he told me not to feel guilty for feeling good with getting my stuff out.... i don't know how he knows me so well due to after he left for work i realized it was guilt brewing in me--

I just want to say sorry to everyone too with how i have been lately- the thing with his parents a few weeks ago-- it opened up a terrible wound in me of not having a family again; and that I never will-- but as one good friend on PC here helped to remind me-- it is better to have one family member than a full one that has people that want to hurt.

Deep Breath in-- I know cigs are bad but I am going to go smoke one..

Be well all-