I am sorry if I am repeating myself here. I tried to post yesterday from my phone but I don't think I have mastered this new contraption and I didnt save the post. This may be triggering, as well, please use caution if continuing to read on.
I had a horribly emotional day on Friday starting first thing in the morning and it really reached a low point in the middle of the day.

Long story short...the convo started out rather light-hearted and ended up with me in tears.
The people I was speaking to decided to let it all hang out and shared some very intimate painful information.
They are close and already had their cryfest at (un)happy hour; but the casual way they were talking about the violence they endured ...it was too much for me. I was feeling so sad for them. One of them said "you dont have to to cry for us. We arent." I replied "i am not crying for you...I am crying with you. I am just hearing about this so I am just a little late"
It broke my heart
for But they seemed fine.

I left on a cheery note but frankly I was not doing well myself at all. I dkept imagining their experiences and it was all intertwined with my own. I couldnt get away from it no matter how many affirmations, positive thinking I tried. All i could think was "I am going to get this out once and for all with my T. I am not going to continue living with this pain that I am." And then I received a vm that she had to cancel. ****!
I went home and tried to sleep but i couldnt. When i finally did i had nightmares. I was feeling so much physical pain from the memories i could hardly bear it. She tried to find me someone else but by the time she did late Sat i had already taken a pill and just wanted to sleep.
Tonight I feel a little better but I think it is just a result of the pill numbing me out. And quite frankly all that pain has turned into depression.

My own horrid memories are consuming. Enter the all familiar term. "Why cant you just get over it?"I

I cannot yet though. I hope soon

[Mike_J]

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. And it sucks that your therapist canceled on you when you needed her so much.

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

You HAVE been progressing Rose. But when something like this happens, and don't forget you were also not expecting it to happen, that can trigger a PTSD episode, which is what you experienced. I have been there myself so I can definitely relate to your feeling like you are still stuck inspite of your efforts thus far. But that is not really the way it is. You HAVE been progressing but there is part you have not dealt with yet, not your fault either because this is something you were not really aware you had not addressed yet.

You got caught up in the reality of someone else that definitely touched on a reality you experienced yourself Rose. And when that happens it breaks open a reality that you just have not allowed yourself to face and properly mourn yet. And yes, when that happens it can bring on flashbacks or lost emotional history that we may not have identified or sorted through yet. So that can be extremely exhausting, it can also create several days of being dazed and confused and part in that moment, part in the present, but not truely capable of other organized thoughts.

What you needed the most Rose is to hear from your therapist that this is normal to PTSD and though this happened you can still continue to gain ground. PTSD, is not something you progress through that is a steady, it has peaks and valleys to it but you will still progress. I get lost with this myself Rose and that is what happened to me after the hospital when I managed to get through being around my sister but then fell into flashbacks that I was not prepared to experience. I did the same thing as you, I regressed and felt that I had lost ground and who was I kidding? But then I realized that this is an area that I have not truely worked through yet in therapy.

(((Rose)))) something troubling surfaced and you have to experience the wave of the experience, whatever that entails and then consciously recognize it, then grieve it emotionally, and then really slowly process it. This is something you never really processed "yet" Rose.

I honestly wonder if these reminders are helpful in some way, something that takes place where something bubbles up that draws us back into the PTSD to once again address the hard work to find a way to make peace with whatever it is. And there is no real way of knowing how long that processing will take either. And the hardest part is when there is no one else that can understand how difficult it really is when this happens to us. That is my biggest problem, without a T there, I tend to feel lost and frightened, no one to turn to that will understand the depth of what it means to me.

But Rose, "I" understand you, yes I know this is a struggle, a pain to the depths of you that is just too hard to discribe to someone who has never been through it. I hear you "friend" and am here for your comfort to say, "yes, I know, I have been there lost and frightened too, so you are not alone and there will be a path you can find to finally walk away from this part of your past". You will have to take whatever time you need to grieve this memory Rose, but thats ok, you can do this, you take whatever time you need for this, it ok.

Whatever you need to do Rose, we will listen and share with you. You can vent whatever comes to you that you need to express. It doesn't have to make sense, it can just be whatever you need to say or express.

(((Kind and gentle Hugs for you to feel safe with))))

Open Eyes

Thanks. Your support and care mean a lot to me.

I am feeling very alone right now in my pain. And closed off. The memories caused me to remember, feel emotional pain, feel unsafe and miserable, lost and alone and helpless; therefore, I retreated pronto to (old patterns of) isolating (to protect myself).

I didn't have anyone at all to talk to about it, so it all turned to mush - and it is now depression

( I KNOW logically my T. cancelled our appt for a very good reason. But emotionally, I'm feeling abandoned - again - and frustrated).

I am not as angry with my T, as much as I am with myself and my life and how it has turned out. I DID NOT have a choice. My voice didn't matter at all. I didn't have one. To anyone. Nobody heard me. (Or actually, they heard me, but they didn't care. at all).

It's crazy but the experience(s) are so intertwined that when I am triggered, not only am I upset about the matter itself, I am also really upset with my family for being such ****** ********! (I go into the "if (what), then" mode.

Thanks again for reading. I saw my original post. I really need to work on my Android skills! And check my spelling

Rose, I am so sorry this is happening for you and that your T is unavailable. I went to a fundraiser for a certain foster care and adoption group, and they had a former foster child as a speaker. While he was describing his experiences, I could FEEL the belt on my back again. It took a long time (over a week) for the pain to go away. Part of the problem for me was that I felt like I was a freak because I was having this weird "phantom" pain, and therefore started getting depressed.

You are not alone in wishing things had been different and feeling sorrow for having been voiceless. I hope that your T can offer you a telephone consult or something, and that the depression lifts for you quickly.

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

That happens to me too when I am triggered like that, I feel all alone with it as well.
And I tend to run everything together and yes, it all runs into family and my past as well. So it isn't just "you" Rose, it is definitely a part of the PTSD. And yes, I go through feeling depressed too. But it is a different kind of depression that comes with PTSD, it is a fatigue part of the cycle that comes along with a flashback, emotional or even body memory that comes up and takes over.

But Rose, don't forget that you were gaining, that hasn't changed you know, it is just that something else got stirred up and you were not expecting it.

Thanks ((My kids are cool)) so sorry you were reminded of something so painful from your past.

But this is what we all need to do, realize that we are not alone, because there are lots of us out there struggling like this working though this on our own a lot. At least be thankful that there is a diagnosis and that we can know what it is and get help and support for it. I can't imagine what people did that had this and there was no help for them, not even a diagnosis, how awful that must have been for so many.

What I wish was that I could just say, sorry I am struggling with PTSD and am doing my best, and have people respond with, oh, sorry I didn't know, keep working on it, you take your time, don't mind me.

Wouldn't it be nice if people just repected the disorder, and would not just think people are crazy that have it but are people who have an injury that takes time and patience to heal, just like any other disabling injury or illness?

Well, that is the bottom line, it does take time to heal, it is an injury and there is no "just, deal and get over it" it takes way more effort than that.

So Rose, don't be ashamed, and I know that is where many of these triggers walk through, shame or a sense of failure, well, that isn't what it is at all. People don't choose to get PTSD, it happens as a result of something tramatic taking place or many tramtic things. And we are all struggling through it, and we all deserve to be patient and feel safe and keep working through it.

You just keep working at it Rose, you are gaining, you just took a few steps back, but you can get back on track, just be patient.

(((Hugs)))
And if you need to vent etc, go right ahead because that is part of healing and we WILL "hear" you.
Open Eyes