[Stanley_19802]

Hello Everyone,

Been a emotional 24 hours. Before I can share what happened, let me share a little back story. My brother doesn't believe I was abused growing up. He believes the stories going around the family which are not what happened. I was abused at home, school and psych hospitals. My mom to punish me instead of grounding me or something, she would call the childrens psychiatric hospital, tell them I was suicidal and tried to kill myself. The hospital would send out a ambulance and a mobile psych team. Without even talking to me, I would be strapped down in the ambulance and taken to the hospital no questions asked. Well in the hospital I was abused, including a spinal injury.

So he put up a video on youtube that had a link to a page he made with a copy of my biography where he put in red what he thinks happened after each event I talked about. I said the abuse didn't happen. That I don't really have a spinal injury. That I don't really have PTSD. That I am lying to my doctors so I can be on SSI. Just saying nothing I said was true. That hurt more than the abuse. To be told you lied about it, it cuts deep.

Anyway, I had to move back home after my friend died as I couldn't afford the apartment me and my friend had. He called my mom to tell her he wanted to come up the same day he posted more lies. I was trying to post and defend my name, but because none of the abusers were caught, I had no physical proof that the abuse happened aside from the x-ray for my back. But by the time the x-ray was done, the hospital had been closed.

So anyway, my brother shows up. So I walked out in the living room to tell him he really had balls showing up like he did after what he's been saying about me online. Instead of him looking at me, he just takes out a taco and keeps his head down in a kind of "what ever" attitude. I just snapped. That he could talk all this stuff that I lied about the abuse, and then sit there like it's no big deal.

It all happened in slow motion. And I could see what was happening and all, it wasn't like a black out. But even though I could see what's going on, I couldn't stop myself. It was VERY scary feeling.

What happened was when I snapped, he was sitting on the sofa and I was standing about 2 feet in front of him. When I snapped I went right for his throat. I had both my hands around his neck. Then my right hand slipped off and I began punching. He got 20 years of surpressed rage as not one of my abusers got arrested.

Thank god my mom was standing near by. She ripped my shirt getting me off of him. That's when my brother pulls out a knife. I reached over the bar and pulled out the butcher knife. My mom was then using all her strength to hold me back. The only thing that stopped me and snapped me out of it was my mom's boyfriend came up behind me, and startled me. All the sudden I snapped out of it. I put the knife on the counter and locked myself in my room. I could have killed him.

So my brother calls the cops to have me arrested. Thankfully it was a officer that I have worked with before. It was one of the cops that have taken me to the ER over my PTSD in the past. He knew the whole story of my past and the PTSD. So he tells my brother, if he presses charges he's going to jail too as it was a domestic disturbance between family. And that if I went to jail, I would be out in a hour anyway. And then he would have to drive back up later 4 hours to go to court to press his charges. He had to work. So he realized it wasn't worth it for him to go to jail too just so I would go to jail. So the cops left.

My mom was actually more angry at him. He never told her he was doing all this crap online telling people I lied about the abused and stuff. Didn't tell her we had been having heated e-mails online. That he expected to come up and basically sit there like nothing happened, and expected to hide behind my mom from any back lash from coming up in person. He was supposed to spend the night. I said I would just sleep in my car and would come home after he left in the morning. Instead she told him to go home. All this happened over just 30 minutes. He was only here a half hour.

Anyway, I had to appologize to my mom of course. She was more shocked because it's the very first time it's happened. She knows about my startle responce and all. And before last night, the worst PTSD responce was back in 2003. I was at my friends house. She was baby sitting her friends 12 year old for the day. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my friend when the kid pulling a prank sneeked up behind me and touched me screaming "BOO!". I instantly spun around and jabbed him in the neck. The kid hit the floor gasping for air.

As soon as I realized what happend I was over helping him. He was more shocked than anything. Once he calmed a bit, he was able to breath. And his neck was sore. I lost count of how many sorry's I said. I felt like ****. So when the kid's mom came to pick him up, I had to explain the situation to her. She understood thankfully and all was forgiven by both him and his mom. But that didn't make me feel any better.

But till last night, that was the worst of anything that had ever happened. I always knew I had rage inside from the abuse, and still today carry a list of triggers to places like the ER so the PTSD wouldn't be set off as I have always been afraid of seriously hurting someone. Losing control like last night though was a nightmare come true. I have always been afraid of losing control like that. I mean damn, if my mom hadn't been there, I could have killed him. I may have been angry at him for talking the crap about me, but I don't want to kill him.

I saw what was happening, but could do nothing to stop myself. That's what scared me. I have never been violent before. Even when I worked security, I would use take down moves that did no harm. I am against violence and very passive. So to see myself doing that, it just wasn't me. And is something I wish to NEVER happen again.

I just really needed to talk about what happened to people who can relate. Well, hopefully. I mean, has anyone else here has anything like this happen with your PTSD where you lost control? Thank you all for your ear, and any input.

-Stanley

[likewater]

(((Stanley))) i'm so sorry that happened. IF YOUR BROTHER COMES OVER AGAIN CALL THE COPS. Get him out of your house. You cant be together until this is straightened out. Also, he's not thinking clearly. Your brother is obviously in denial and unable to deal with what really did happen to you. Of course you have a spinal injury. You are incontinent. I someyimes am because of irritable bowel syndrome. Pooping your pants is waaay embarassing. SSI isn't worth it. No one would fake that.

I have never been violent, but if triggered/ threatened i know i have it in me. I actually have a "protector" in me that takes over. I would protect myself and anyone helpless around me i perceived as needing help i think. Hugs to you. Please be gentle with yourself.

I am so sorry that happened. You have great support here! I just joined recently and only started with my T a few months ago...I find PC very helpful...there are great people here who relate and are very supportive! In addition, I get really good feedback/input.

If triggered, although I haven't been violent, I know I have a protector instinct inside of me, as well (F/F instinct) (Also, I startle easily, do not sleep well, am very sensitive to sounds /smells and have struggled with digestive issues for years).

I hope you find comfort here and support. Please take good care of you. Hugs.

[Open Eyes]

((((Stanley))))

Yes, there can be a rage trigger that can happen with PTSD. I have heard it called a "White out" as well. And I did experience this myself unfortunately. And at that time I was diagnosed with PTSD but I didn't really truely understand what it meant to be honest and it was NOT explained to me either. At the time I thought it was a grieving process I just had to work through. And I was progressing into PTSD in what I now know as the depressive stage. I was experiencing depression and didn't really realize it but at the time I had stopped riding and my motivation was very low. And my daughter was very active in trying to work with some untrained horses and ponies we had. She was constantly picking on me and whenever I tried to calm down and take a nap she was always picking on me. I was also taking Klonopin at the time in a higher dose at night to avoid night terrors as they call it. So in the mornings I was always groggy and struggled to just get going.

Well this one morning I was very hung over and trying to wake up and check my emails etc and my inlaws had come up and my daughter was going in and out the front door and each time that door closed I got more and more upset. Well, the sound of doors was a big trigger that I would not realize until months later. But I slowly filled up with anger and then I was so full of rage that I yelled at her and it wasn't like me at all. I actually asked her to leave as well. And I didn't hit her but she was hurt enough to move out and I would be punished many times for that day.

I was so upset about how I could not control that rage, it just was NOT like me at all. And when I asked different people about it I got all kinds of answers that were not the right answer. I had a lot of anger in me from the trama I went through and a lot of other emotions as well. And as time went by, I started having flashbacks and finally learned WHY the sound of doors triggered me. I ran through so many growing up running to get away from my brother who abused me. I never realized that my brain had blocked off all that fear and sense of urgency when I ran through all those doors.

So, yes anger is a trigger too and I do have to work on that. I have not had a bad rage like that since. But I am still being punished for it.

I do have to be careful when I get very upset and anger is triggered, I really struggle to calm down too.

Sigh....that is the problem with PTSD, all the emotions are so magnified. It really takes work to learn how to once again take more and more control over them. Unfortunately people who do not understand PTSD can be very hard on someone that is struggling with it. The past year has been hell for me as my family was very mean and unsupportive to me. And I spent a lot of time reading and learning about PTSD trying to understand it. And then I finally found a therapist who met with my husband and told him that I was in a dangerous condition and he had to be more supportive and give me some space. It took the therapist a few times to meet with my husband and get him to understand that I had a lot of work ahead of me.

My daughter has not met with my therapist and has continued to punish me and I was in a very dangerous state of mind last year. However coming to PC has been a big help to me because it allowed me to use my brain in a healthy way. The one thing I have come to understand is that I truely feel for anyone who struggles and feels very alone and confused. I had always had a wonderful relationship with my daughter but I was also a very strong part of my family unit so my family did not understand why I could not "Just" get over the trama. I could not understand it myself and I was very very hard on myself for that and it made me worse.

You are going to have to work on this Stanley. Be aware of it and make efforts to slowly learn how to control the anger that can build up. It isn't easy, it is hard work, I am working on that myself.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[WePow]

wow. I am so sorry. Yes, I understand the intense rage. It really stinks to not be able to control the zero-ticked jet flight that happens inside.

[Stanley_19802]

Hello Everyone,

First, thank you all so much for the support. And yea Open Eyes, my family doesn't understand PTSD. Although my brother took down the pages that caused the boiling point, but he's telling people I used my weight and such against him.

He believes right now that I was in control of what I did, and that I knew exactly what I was doing. My mom I live with, I sat down with her yesturday to explain what actually happened. That although I remember exactly what I did, that I could not stop. She was actually telling me about a similar incident she had.

She was saying she has a personal space issue. This drunk woman got too close and she blacked out. She was saying she snapped out of it when my brother was calling her name. She had the woman against the wall by her neck. So because of her own incident, she understands what happened with me and my brother.

Aside from child abuse, I don't get angry. I have always been passive and prefer to talk things out. And even in the past when I did get angry, I took it out on myself via self abuse (cutting). I have quit for the most apart since December 2010 accept for two slips. Meditation has been my biggest help.

My issue is complicated because I have the gift of being empathic. I can feel the emotions of those around me as if they were my own. I was taught 4 years ago how to disconnect from feeling those emotions at will. But I also found the "Clearing" to be useful to greatly reduce the urge to self injury which is how I stoped self injuring. But it also helps me when I am upset. I have it posted online at: http://picsanddocuments.homestead.com/Meditation.html for anyone it might help.

So when I attacked my brother that night, it just surprised me because it's the first time I have been violent with anyone. I knew there was a risk due to my past. And because of my past abuse in hospitals, I carry a trigger sheet in my wallet and give to the first nurse I speak with to make sure all triggers are avoided as much as possible to reduce the chance of the PTSD being triggered.

Stuff like never being in a solitary room size room, never turn off lights in rooms I am in, the smell of leather, anything to do with beauty and the beast, the spoken word "restraints", threats of being injected put in solitary or put in restraints, wearing a hospital gown.....just on and on. I also had instructions on how to approach when I am "set off". My friend who has a similar issue with hospital abuse helped me write mine.

But out of that list, I have never been set off before while having a argument. I guess it's just one of those 1/100000 chance situation. I don't even know what exactly was the trigger. All I can think of was that it was the attitude of "whatever, just go away" he had when confronted over what he's been saying about me. It was just weird.

The good thing is, at least it can be avoided in the future. He's not welcome back in the same house as I am in. If for some reason he came up, or for holidays, I will be renting a motel room for the time he is up visiting my mom. That way there is no chance for another event.

It also was a look inside myself. I knew I had repressed anger over the abuse, but I didn't know how much. I have been seeing a PTSD therapist for 2 years and thought I was doing well. But apparently there is stuff deeper that I have not even hit the tip on. So I think that's something me and my therapist are going to need to address so this event doesn't ever happen again.

I have always been terrifed of being set of and seriously hurting someone or killing them, which came close that night with my brother. I don't ever want that to happen. I might not like him or what he does, but I don't want him dead. I think part of the problem is that much of the family doesn't believe me about my past. And thus don't believe I have PTSD. Many of them think it's a big joke.

But as you and others pointed out, who would make that up? Same as being on disability, it's not paying much. I get $870.00. It just bearly covers my bills. I was making darn near twice that when I was working. And when working, had the option to work overtime if I needed a little more cash one month. I don't know anyone who would willing choose to be on disability.

And Rose, I have found psych central to be a big help too. It does help a lot to be able to talk with others who are going through the same thing, or have been through it and can suggest ways to make the process easier/faster. I am on here reading a lot. I am glad you and others found this place too. It helps knowing what happened last night, happens to others. Well, not that it's good others have it happen, but that they know how you feel. And to learn what happened. So again, thank you everyone for the support, information and your ear. I am very greatful.

-Stanley

[likewater]

Stanley, i feel grateful for everyone on pc also. It's a mixed blessing because i'm grateful they know my pain and sad they know my
pain.

[Stanley_19802]

Hello likewater,

Yea, same here. It's been so comforting to know others here on psych Central are going through or have gone through what I am going through. But it also makes me sad that anyone else is going through similar problems. The bright side is we can help each other through it knowing the others know EXACTLY what your feeling and know how difficult it is too. Thanks for the support.

-Stanley

[likewater]

(((Stanley))) you are truly in my heart always. May angels surround you. Wishing you peace and healing and, you know what? I think
you'll find it.

[aiv713]

Hello Stanley,

I'm new here, but have had several black and white outs with my fiance'. I've just started therapy and I haven't learned all my triggers yet. My fiance' unknowingly triggers me sometimes and I have attached him several times. Sometimes I remember sometimes I don't. Thankfully he understand I have a problem and hasn't left or pressed charges which he could do. Its great being able to openly talk about it here.

Best of luck to you.

Hugs

[AngelWolf3]

Stanley, Welcome. And I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I am thinking of you and hope that this forum continues to help you; I know it has for me...there are a LOT of kind and supportive people here.
HUGS