[Open Eyes]

Sigh...I have that other thread about my current challenge but I wanted to do this thread because I am just so dam frustrated and angry that I am frustrated and doing the PTSD reaction.

I talked about my dad going into the hospital for a bleeding ulcer and how my older sister was the HERO AND IN CONTOL OF THE SITUATION DEAL.
Well, my sister is a very big trigger to me. And when I went into the hospital to visit my dad and she was there with her catastrophizing and grand standing ways, I thought I did well and I didn't shrink to nothingness, I just ignored that and focused on visiting with my parents.

It was hard after that though because she is this controlling entity where if I want to just visit or talk to my parents SHE IS IN THE WAY. For example when I called my parents house knowing that my dad was released and my mom was no longer at my sisters and I could just hopefully talk to them on my own, SHE PICKED UP THE PHONE. Well, I just hung up as soon as I heard her voice.

Well, she has called a few times and left messages, called again while I was on the phone with a client (I have total phone). I didn't pick up then either. And she left a message that was snotty that said, DAD has caller ID by the way, just to let me know she knew I hung up when she answered. GRRRR, she thinks I am playing games when I am not, truth is, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER AT ALL.

So now I am dealing with the PTSD reactions and my brain is tired, frustrated and remembering HOW MUCH SHE INSISTED ON CONTROLLING ME EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER. And forget telling her and my family that I am truely struggling with PTSD, THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, but they NEVER DID LISTEN. And NOW I REMEMBER BEING SO LITTLE AND TRYING TO TELL, BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN THEY WERE JUST TOO BUSY AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS NOW.

So yesterday I typed out a letter that my husband could read after he calls my sister to SET DOWN A DEMAND THAT SHE STOP, LISTEN FOR A CHANGE AND HEAR THAT THERE ARE THINGS THAT I CANNOT DO RIGHT NOW AND SHE HAS TO STOP PUSHING.

I wrote this paper giving him what to say so SHE WOULD KNOW THAT HE IS AWARE OF HER BAD BEHAVIOR AND THAT I AM SEEING A SPECIALIST AND SHE IS EXPECTING ME TO DO THINGS THAT I JUST CANT DO. And because I know how she will shut down and disregard ME, she is less likely to do that with HIM.

I am trying to finally get that person I always wanted to STAND UP FOR ME against my abusers. And even though I am now in my 50's, it is clear to me that unless I have someone else to SAY THAT IS ENOUGH, YOU NEED TO STOP. I will continue to relive the past through this DAM PTSD.

Well, my husband has been backing off and expressing that he doesn't really want to stand up for me, he feels uncomfortable. And yet he gets so angry at how my family treats me. He is afraid of her TOO? And he had been doing the same routine about how busy he is, gotta get to work, or I am too tired excuse crap they all do. Well that even triggered me more to be honest, BECAUSE THEY ALL AVOID.

What bothers me is THAT THEY ARE AWARE OF HOW POORLY I AM BEING TREATED and YET THEY DO NOTHING, AND AVOID. And last night I was so angry and I looked at my husband and said, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW HAPPENED TO ME AS A CHILD AND THAT CAUSED ME TO GIVE IN TO THE ABUSE? You acted so shocked about what my brother did to me and that I should have told, or spoke up, WELL I DID TRY AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN AS WELL. And look at you right now, YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THEN THEY ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FIGHTING BACK EITHER, YET YOU SEE THE ABUSE.

I would not do this if I was in his shoes. I would stand against this abuse. I try to do it for myself, but my sister JUST HANGS UP ON ME OR WALKS AWAY, JUST LIKE SHE ALWAYS DID.

Now, what I hate about this is that the PTSD symptoms just kick in and cripple me more. DAM I HATE THAT.

I am glad my sister is there to help my parents, because with the PTSD being so active I can'T be there on a regular basis. That bothers me as well, but I have been working hard at the PTSD and I have been gaining, but I am still struggling, especially with this GAME PLAYING of my sister.

I hate how people do not recognize the challenge that PTSD presents. I hate the disorder, but I am really trying to work on it, and I HAVE progressed. I just hate how I have gained ground and THIS IS ALL RIGHT BACK IN MY FACE to be honest. I hate how I get scatterbrained, angry, forgetful, disassociate, revert to that abused child, feel exhausted and depressed.

I hate how others have this happen to them too, AND I WANT TO SOMEHOW SCREAM AT SOCIETY TO GET WITH IT AND GET BETTER AWARENESS OUT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC TO STOP PEOPLE FROM FURTHER ABUSING THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH THIS DAM DISORDER.

Open Eyes

[aiv713]

Open Eyes
I'm so sorry all this is going on right now for you. You've got a lot on your plate and I know how frustrating it is when the one you love and you think is there to protect you won't help. I hope in time he sees the light and helps you with the current problem.

I get the same feelings when I have to deal with any of my family now. I try to avoid them as much as possible to avoid these feelings. I understand that you care about your parents and want the best for them, but your sister is in your way big time. I care about my family, but refuse to have contact unless necessary. I just found out that my father new about the abuse from my mother and did nothing to stop it. I just can't be in a good place with either of them now.

I truly wish you the best and hope your sister will one day understand what you have/are going through.

[PiperLeigh]

This sounds like an incredible difficult situation and I think your feelings of frustration are certainly valid. I don't have any particularly helpful suggestions, but I am sorry you are going through this and I care. {{gentle hug}}

Open Eyes,

Ever since I've been around I've seen you as a very sweet and wonderful person. You are ALWAYS there in these important topics and threads and your comments and compassion are things I wish I could share, so you do give me hope and you do give me strenght through your experiences and wisdom.

It hurts me to know you'd go through something like this, given that the perception I've got of you is this very sweet person. It is crazy unfair at this point in life some family members, such as your sister, would not be able to reach you out. I know I may be off by saying this but, there are only a few times in life when I'd say it's ok to strech out your hand to others (family and all), but in this situation I do think it is her moment to strech out to you and not the other way around.

She must know, underneath it all that there is something off, that if you do not wish to speak to her maybe she just needs to get her head off her *** to at least be able to listen. And it is understandable your husband may not want to even get in the middle of that too, not because he's afraid of her but maybe because he despises her as much and being conflictive about it may be another problematic situation for you and he may not want to pile it all up. I don't know, just guessing because usually that's how my boyfriend thinks as well.

They don't mean wrong, they just don't know how to magically make it right so they're afraid of making it worse haha. Boys :P

Either way, I feel the need as well to be able to have someone in my life to protect me and stand up to this man who nearly took my life and who I gave everything but my last breath to, yet the sad horrible truth is hat I have discovered nobody would do that for me, ever. Nobody will go testify against him but me, nobody can go to the DA and risk their life for me, nobody will stand up and tell him to his face to go away because nobody truly understands what I go through but myself, my family share my pain yet it is their pain, mine is my own and it is the one I need to learn how to live with, and at the end of the day it is me the one that can possibly overcome this all.

If she makes you this upset, I understand 100% how you'd rather not even see her face. However, how about an email? or maybe a real letter you could mail to her house. I am POSITIVE she will read it, and it may make a much better impact coming from you than from anyone else.

And if everything else fails, I offer myself to call her up and read up your letter! lol :P Seriously though, I do hope this all gets sorted out and you'll feel much better about it all soon (((open eyes ))))

[Open Eyes]

Thanks for the comfort and wise words. I feel very embarassed because after I heard my sister's voice twice this morning and she also called while I was talking to a customer, I ended up flashbacking.

I was so bad that I called my T. And he talked me through it, but I was even embarassed with him because I am nothing but very little in this one and all I do is cry and I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT. There is something about my sister that brings this flashback out and DAM, I CANNOT SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS. But it is worst of all my flashbacks all I do is cry and I AM THAT CRYING CHILD IN THIS if you know what I mean. And my T kept explaining that I just have to ride it out, cant stop it and I do know this, all I know is that it is very upsetting and painful and NOW I am completely exhausted.

She is not going to stop calling me because she is taking care of my parents and informing me etc. I just CANT talk to her and that is why I wanted my husband to tell her. How is she going to believe this, I hear her voice and I am a crying child?
This is why I hate how people do not understand PTSD and it is not and excuse, a game or pretend, it is real and it is crippling.

And dam, I wish I could see what is going on in this flashback, then I could ask her why she did this or that etc. But I can't see it yet, I can't get past the fear and crying part. And it is definitely connected to her somehow and she is not nice I know that because when she is not nice to me now it brings this on.

It is so strange that I could go for years having no problem talking and interacting with her and never had these memories or flashbacks. But now after all these years I have this. And I know it is real, and she was very controling over me when I was little. IDK After all she is four years older, so I could be 1 and she could be 5, but big enough to hurt me and she did NOT like either me or my brother invading HER home, she tried to KILL my brother, so IDK.

[Open Eyes]

You know, I just woke up from a nap as I am so wiped out after I go through this flashback. And other than here and my T, I honestly don't have anyone I can call and talk to about this. NO ONE wants to talk about it, IT IS OFF LIMITS TO TALK ABOUT, how awful IS THAT?

I used to be able to talk to my sister about anything really, and talk to my mom too, and even talk to my daughter, BUT THIS, THIS PUTS ME ON SOME KIND OF TABOO ISLAND.

And you are right 1982, my husband was so mean to me until he happened to come home while I was dealing with this horrible flashback on the phone with my T. Thankfully my T had me put him on the phone.

IT SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD, AFTER ALL, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO HAPPEN, OR MAKE UP, IT IS REAL, AND CRIPPLING.

TO HAVE SOMETHING BAD ENOUGH HAPPEN TO HAVE THIS DISORDER, WELL THAT ISN'T MY FAULT. IT IS JUST NOT RIGHT THAT PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH THIS THING PTSD THAT THEY CAN'T HELP.

OPEN EYES

((((OE)))) I wish I could wave a magic wand that would put intelligence, empathy, kindness, understanding, compassion and unconditional love in people's heads (especially our family members that just refuse to "get it" or stand up for us) but my wand is still in the shop (I tried to use for these purposes with MY family, and it caught on fire and fizzled out )

My heart goes out...for you keep trying and trying to get through to people that just don't (want to) get it.

It's NOT ok what they are putting you through (AT ALL), BUT only YOU can stop it. Afterall, you are suffering right in front of their faces, and they are still just not reaching out.

You are working so very hard to get their hard shells to crack even just a teeny bit, but it doesn't sound as if it's going to happen any time soon.

We / I support you. And I am writing this from a place of caring and kinship ... sometimes you just have to walk away. Stop playing the game. Stop playing THEIR game.

Then, you can begin to heal - again.

Unfortunately, I think your sister is just a hopeless case. I can understand you wanting your husband to stand up for you, but unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he is going to (for whatever reason).

The dynamics are complex (I understand and empathize becuase I had similar versions of the same story from all sides of my family - both birth and adopted. It was a HUGE mess of a large group of family members that were all F'd up that I WAS TRYING MY HARDEST to cater to, couldn't do it anymore, and shut down completely).

**The bottom line is you need support. And you need it now. And you need to be surrounded by it. Do whatever you have to do to get it. Tell your husband that you NEED your best friend.

(I learned from experience, when you stop playing their game (like your sister's), and everything is silent, she will only have herself - and then she'll have to face herself and how horrible she is / was to you. And if she NEVER "gets it", who cares. I know that is harsh, but really. The only person that matters is YOU).

Your success, your good health is the most important thing. You can cut yourself off from the abuse and continue to show love and support to your parents in other (creative) ways.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Rose,

I talked to my mother last night, my sister has her pegged for demencia, Alzheimers, but with me, my mother is normal and remember's things and makes sense etc. It is hard for me to see how my mother behaves around my sister, she just ACTS childlike so my sister backs off her controlling ways.

In my conversation with my mother I told her that I love her and that I was sorry that I can't just always be there and I was honest about what I have and that I don't want to have it, but I cannot be around my sister. My mother told me that SHE struggles around my sister too. Her course has been to just consider my sister is JUST THAT WAY and to WORK AROUND HER and TRY NOT TO LET HER GET TO YOU. Well I did that for YEARS and now IT DOESN'T WORK because of the PTSD.

My mother said that I did not have a bad childhood. But she also said that she, herself really struggled when I was little. I think my mother might have experienced post pardome depression and had the three of us with no help from my father. And somehow this flashback that I have, I get the feeling that whatever was happening to me, my mother really didn't COME AND BE THERE FOR ME SOMEHOW.

I am aware that when I was little, I didn't tell my mother because I DID SEE THAT SHE WAS OVERWHELMED. I really felt the disfuction all the time, only I was way too little to know what that meant. I know I was stuck between both my sister and my brother's abuse and control many times and I did try to tell in ways but I never got heard, mom was just too overwhelmed.

It has come full circle where I can't really tell her now either. And my sister is in full swing of being the controlling dragon lady. I just get angry that it triggers me into these crippling flashbacks that I honestly cannot control or stop, I just have to let them run their course. I just wish I could identify what is happening so I can resolve it. I try to remember that the incredible emotional upset I am experiencing in them might not be as bad because I was very small and didn't understand. My therapist tells me that my brain is not showing it all in order to protect me too. So then I question what it could be that my brain is trying to protect. It's really like a big bag scarey ghost that haunts me and I just want to know what it is.

I also find this disorder embarrassing as well, I am sure others can relate. I used to be able to handle so much and this has held me back. I have come a long way with this, I just wish I could get past this child that keeps haunting and disabling me. It really completely exhausts me and it is so frustrating.

Open Eyes

[beauflow]

Open Eyes (many hugs to you)

Family and problems (problems that go deeper than just miscommunications) are vrey hard to deal with-- i think you already know my story with how I am with mine which is my path- but you have a lot of similar struggles that I did when interacting with my own and still do after leaving a few of them for good.

I don;t think age matters here- i think it does just take time, and some releasing from our selves to help with the pain.

Your sister sounds similar to a few of my siblings- control and competition is some thing that seems to be strong with a few of my own... I personally can't deal with it.

I like what 1982 mentions of perhaps writing and sending it to her, but I do agree with what Rose Pancachee mentions of your sister may just be lost cause...

Your sister probably has issues as well with herself (Maybe? maybe not)... it can be hard for another to hear things of struggles of their younger sibling, and that they may (or were) part of the issue due to their issues....
With my story and all the pain you are going through with one of mine, I would suggest to wait till a stronger moment for yourself to do this however... I say that due to my brother when I came and said something- i think he took on guilt, but back lashed it at me and it was horrible with how I was at the time, and even though the dramatic move i made turned for the better, i still have a lot of pain with it and I will always wonder if i would had waited till if stronger to say something- if it would not be so as it is.

None the less- I can understand both you and your husband-- I.e. for me for someone else to stand up for me has a little to do with I can understanding wanting someone else to finally stand up for me as well- sort of a validation that I am not the only one that feels this way... But your husband may have his own things with this-- or he may see that for you to do this yourself does make you stronger--- But it sounds like with your posts here you have already came out and told your story and have been ignored- which helps with nothing..

No one is allowed to talk-- it is hurtful
you had a good childhood it was not bad-- it is hurtful
Among the other things..
It is not validation---

Overwhelmed Mom- i myself have tried best to take that for my own... She had a bad past, she was 12 getting together with a 23 year old (my father)- that says a lot there.... But I never let that be an "excuse"; she was overwhelmed, and i can understand that, but it just ends there- being over whelmed i would think is a warning sign -- meaning something is wrong, and it depends on what people do with that warning sign..
Which we are all different on.

Open Eyes-- yes ashamed of PTSD- I was lit up when i heard it for myself-- I don't want people to think i was unable to adapt, or that i let the past bother me so much, and the misunderstanding that these things do change chemicals in our brains, changes wiring and changes how we would had been if we did not have these things happen with us.... and that ranges from a lot of events with people with PTSD.... I myself am ahamed it comes from my childhood and up bringing and family--- others with PTSD from natural disasters and combat for some reason in my mind- i think that is more understandable but I need to realize that they are all understandable for many... maybe just not the people that are closes to us that should be understanding (i.e parents, siblings, family, friends, etc)......

Many hugs to you Open Eyes-- it is complex situation, and you are trying your best with it and ind the end that is what you have to do-- and you have to do what is right FOR YOU in the end if the rest don't want to help........

May things clear up with this Open Eyes,. I wish one day against wishes that people come to an epiphany that is clarification (there would be hurt with it but clarification would soften that) and some understanding or missed pieces would be examined again.. i doe sound a little negative with wish against wishes but it is how i see it..

I think i will end there with my babbling--- but I do want to let you know that even if you feel weak- you are not- you have came to terms in ways of - this is what happened to me and I don't care if you want me to just push it under the rug since it is not recognized . I think that takes strength Open Eyes I really do. It helps with you healing to get it out instead of having it all with in you by yourself... it may take time with it but still.

many Hugs to you

[Rose76]

Sometimes, the tides can turn. I used to BE the controlling sister in my family. Well, this sister, who seemed least controlling, ended up being the ring leader of the whole shooting match. I think it was after I developed worsening depression, that she surged way ahead of me. I just mention that to show how having a mental impediment to the highest of functioning can let someone come up and take over. So one never knows who is going to dominate in a family. That can change along the way.

Emotional vulnerability can certainly put a person at a disadvantage in the games people play. When my parents were aging and ill, my sister dreaded having me around them. She wouldn't say that, but I could pick up on how she would try to get me to leave the hospital before her. Once she suddenly needed a baby-sitter (me) right when my mother was planning a nice evening of the two of us visiting together, while my Mom was still home. I ran to my Mom's for dinner, then told my very disappointed Mom that I had to run back to my sister's to babysit her kids, cause she suddenly just had to go somewhere with her husband. It would have been a nice evening for my Mom and me. Well, no - that got de-railed. Only now, am I realizing that was probably done to make sure I didn't get to bond more with my Mom. I am so angry as I think of how I naiively fell for my sister's cute scheme.

And the controlling ones tend to get better and better at what they do. Good luck.

I think it is hard for in-laws to get in between blood. Though my sister's husband was the clever one who thought of how they suddenly just absolutely had to have a baby sitter in me. Those two worked hand in glove. Maybe your controlling sister's husband plays a role in her game too. I wouldn't be surprised.

What debilitates you empowers her. That might put some fire in your desire to hold your own. Not easy, I know.

PTSD does not guarantee, or make it inevitable, that you will never stand up for you. If your husband has to always stand up for you, then I think your recovery will be very slow. Maybe talk with your T about that. (I imagine you have already.)

If she is expecting of you what you are not able to do, then I could see where he could respond to that in support of you. Or maybe just write things down and give her the paper.

Another question is that maybe your parents are complicit in what your sister is doing. That happen in my family. Pretty soon the game gets so complicated you are lucky to keep what sanity you can. I hope you recover from this set back. And you will. Maybe think out, with your T, how to strategize for the next family mind game. Any time you can steal to be one on one with either of your parents (Sis may not be there all the time.) is to your advantage.

[Open Eyes]

Thank you Rose for your wisdom. This whole hospital thing with my dad and facing my sister and seeing the disfunction was a lot. At the time I handled it well, but since then my sister called several times, hung up on me and that stirred up the PTSD and some very disturbing flashbacks that really confuse me. I just wish I didn't have this dam PTSD where I get so dam disabled.

Now I get triggered every time the phone rings and it rings a lot because of my business. And that was because for several days my sister was calling and it really aggrivates the PTSD where I really struggle.

This has actually made me pretty ill and my stomach is really bothering me and the anxiety is constant and I am really exhausted and sort of disoriented as well. And I am VERY, VERY TIRED.

I have a T appointment today and I hope I can just get there because I am truely tired. And when I see him, I get even more tired out sometimes. IT IS SO MUCH WORK SOMETIMES WITH THIS PTSD. I do have too much on my plate with the business, the care for the horses/ponies and the DRAMA, DRAMA THAT IS BEING THROWN MY WAY. And another DAM HOLIDAY THIS WEEKEND? Ugh, I am just tired out to the max.

Open Eyes is VERY TIRED.

[CRockstead]

Your sister and my sister could be twins

[Open Eyes]

Thanks CRockstead, disfunctional people have things in common that way.

Well, I was too tired to drive to my T so we did our therapy on the phone. It was nice because I was so tired and just sat comfy on my bed while we talked and my T has such a kind gentle voice, it was just what I needed.

He actually suggested that he call my sister and tell her that I am struggling with PTSD and have been in therapy for a while and that if she could refrain from bringing up trama etc. or understand that I am working on that area and am still struggling and may need to walk away or not talk etc that she should understand. He is not going to do any blaming on her, but just let her know that I do have something that is real and that I struggle.

My sister doesn't know that I really do struggle with PTSD. I have been avoiding her and she thinks it is a game. She is basically ignorant about what I am truely dealing with. And I think she would respect my struggle more if a specialist talked to her. I already know SHE WONT LISTEN TO ME.

The more I think about it, I really like the idea of my T having a talk with her because that will make a statement to her that she is more likely to respect.

I already know that when I visited my dad in the hospital she tried to pull me into the trama and I deflected and just quietly talked to my parents about my job I did that day and I really worked at just bringing the focus AWAY from the trama. He was past that scarey part and it was important that HE ACTUALLY BE ALLOWED TO REMAIN CALM and not revisit the fear and confusion before he found out what was wrong. So I ACTUALLY DID THE RIGHT THING however my SISTER DIDN'T LIKE THAT I DIDN'T ALLOW HER TO RAISE THE DRAMA FLAG.

I am just not going to do that anymore. I really realized by all her antics and body language that she is just exhibiting the disfunction in herself and I am just not going to play that game.

Open Eyes

[beauflow]

I am just not going to do that anymore. I really realized by all her antics and body language that she is just exhibiting the disfunction in herself and I am just not going to play that game.

I think that is a good realization Open Eyes-

I could be wrong but what I have read-- it does sound like your sister has her own baggage as well and is not dealing with it well... and using what she can to get what she can out of your dismay --- which is something I wont understand fully why people do that.

People that don't want to listen, accept, or even acknowledge problems such as mental health disorders such as PTSD or even just a problem--- I think, they need space ~ however that "space" may be.... I personally, don't think it helps with healing to be some what discredited due to one doesn't believe in it or believe one goes trough pain-- and it sort of sounds like that is what your sister does to you-- And if that is the case here, that I know is very hurtful to the one that comes out to say there is a problem and is trying to heal.

I am sorry there is so much going on with you right now and your family-- Many hugs to you.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks beauflow, it has been REALLY difficult for me to see how this anger and jealousy in her GOES ALL THE WAY BACK to when I was way too little to understand it all. She just always hated me and my brother and how we invaded HER OWNERSHIP OF MY PARENTS SOMEHOW. She did try to kill my brother and whatever this terrible flashback is that I keep having, I truely cannot see what is happening to me, BUT IT DEFINITELY INVOLVES HER SOMEHOW. I hate this flashback, it is SO DAM PAINFUL and leaves me disoriented for days and it makes me VERY ILL. I wish I could just see what it is and get it over with. My T told me that because I was so little I may not get to truely KNOW what is happening. Or, my brain could be protecting me by not revealing it which is what happens as well. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY to be honest.

It is SO BAD that I am physically ill, I think I have a bad ulcer because my stomach is in pain, I am burping sour and burning and I am just exhausted. Sigh, I don't have health insurance so this is going to drain me to look into. But even taking zantac doesn't touch it, so it must be bad.

Open Eyes

[beauflow]

((Open Eyes))

Hopefully you find something to help you with the physical part of what this is doing to do you-

When things turn physical from mental issues, that is a big sign that some thing needs to change--

I hope you take your rest that is very much needed, Open eyes and get better, both physically and mentally with this. I am also glad to read that you have a T that helps you out and sounds like a good one at that as well-

Just a suggestion to through out there though- is there a low cost clinic any where you are- i have low benefit insurance which does not do much, some times I go to the clinic which helps out lower income, and then I found another that helps out with just uninsured people. .. Perhaps there is one near you that you can find if your problem does not get better physically.

Many hugs to you Open Eyes.