[Hellion]

Is this a common effect of PTSD? I mean I kind of know who I used to be...but I just don't know anymore. I mean half the time I cannot tell whether I really want to do what I do or if it's just the general 'f*** it' feeling that comes with PTSD for some people. I mean how do I tell the differences between when I just want to go out and possibly end up causing harm to myself and genuine wanting to go out and have a nice time? It just seems so confusing lately, to the extent I kind of question my own intentions and end up afraid of myself. I mean I don't want to screw myself over, but sometimes it all just seems so pointless...I mean sure I'm only 22 but that just makes it more painful for me that I've reached this burnt out point already.

[Hellion]

I don't even know if I should fight it anymore, yeah it sucks feeling on edge and anxious but then again there is almosts somethign addictive about this, the whole survival mode...I can't but help think how I could put it to use. I mean my brains stuck like this so what the hell at least it would make sense if I was in situations where constant anxiety and such made sense.

I can relate to you totally. In fact, I didn't get a much desired, coveted JOB because of it (Although at the time, I couldn't figure out why or what was going on. I was still semi-coping).

In retrospect ((((Hellion)))), I see now (very clearly) that the cPTSD, coupled with very, very low self-esteem, depression, major Anx/Pan, GAD, SAD lead to me not recognizing myself at all.

I remember very distinctly (on my first or second visit to my T) saying "I don't know who I am".

Through T, I'm starting to build that very solid foundation of who I am and it feels really good! (it's not based on what any of my family members think or want or what society or my social circle thinks or wants), it's simply all about me.

You will find yourself again

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I can relate to you totally. In fact, I didn't get a much desired, coveted JOB because of it (Although at the time, I couldn't figure out why or what was going on. I was still semi-coping).

In retrospect ((((Hellion)))), I see now (very clearly) that the cPTSD, coupled with very, very low self-esteem, depression, major Anx/Pan, GAD, SAD lead to me not recognizing myself at all.

I remember very distinctly (on my first or second visit to my T) saying "I don't know who I am".

Through T, I'm starting to build that very solid foundation of who I am and it feels really good! (it's not based on what any of my family members think or want or what society or my social circle thinks or wants), it's simply all about me.

You will find yourself again

again? that might be debatable not sure I did to begin with...but anyways one issue is I don't have any idea what I would even want in life or anything. Seems like there is a good chance it wont last that terribly long anyways so I kind of just want to settle for life sucking and find a way to cope with that.....I mean I don't see what else to do anymore. And I should probably be more afraid of ending up homeless with no real help for the PTSD.....than being afraid of being locked in some psych ward and force fed medications, the healthcare system wants to have as little to do with you as possible if you don't have income or insurance even when it comes to mental health it seems...so I should probably be more worried about having no help at all. I suppose I don't feel like I really have a foundation for anything and am not sure where I would start.

"I mean I kind of know who I used to be...but I just don't know anymore"

I am sorry if I misinterpreted your post. I really am so sorry you are suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help ease the pain (anxiety).

In any case, I wish you well.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

"I mean I kind of know who I used to be...but I just don't know anymore"

I am sorry if I misinterpreted your post. I really am so sorry you are suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help ease the pain (anxiety).

In any case, I wish you well.

I don't think you did, I just don't know that I ever had a more concrete sense of my personality or whatever...this sort of thing is hard to explain. Anyways it helps getting a bit of input even if people don't have an exact solution...otherwise I just dwell on it until I wear myself out.

[beauflow]

Hellion --- I am not sure if I fully get what you are trying to say but maybe... and I am glad that you are getting it out---

Here is a go on me with this- I am not sure if any of it can relate to you-
I have for a while now (more so when i was younger) to get the feeling of "who am i"; some times while looking in a mirror, some times just all of sudden when walking from any where- it just hits me- who am i? I am not sure... these things make up me. to which are they really me or am I just going with the flow of the traffic here with the rest... I had it more so when I was younger and when things seem to get really stressful of I guess a loss of self awareness in ways.

I can have it as well as in the sense of what do I want to do-- Do i want to go buy stuff, go shopping!! go get a whole bunch of things, even my recent tattoo I have gotten I have thought to myself-- should i had done this-- I come back always to of course-- I have to wonder with myself as well if perhaps "are these those "hypo manic" phases that they speak of since I am not full blown bipolar" (I got that on top of the "Severe PTSD" but i think it is debatable imho). Is this really me?

These days I get more of -- is this really me to stay inside all the time, some times I want to go to a bar which is in reality sense- "unusual for me" I don't like to socialize that much due to I feel as I don't do it well-- and crowds I don't like, but yet some times I want to go to a bar-- perhaps it is due to I want to interact with humans due to it is normal? or perhaps it is another part of me that just wants to try it out.

I remember when I was 21; I was very lost on where to go in life- i was not sure if i wanted to clean up from drugs or go out raving!! I did the raving for a bit, yeah it was fun but did not seem to fit--- My drug rein was coming to an end due to a lot at that time- but none the less I did a year or so with what to do and torn apart till I took a step towards sobriety and just ran with that--

I still feel lost to this day and I am 25-- Do I want to do crafting as a full part time job on the side, or do I want to go to school- I would be great at a lot of things (or i could fail at it all another side of me says as well), but what do I want to do-- do I want to go to for psychology, and help out kids perhaps, or go for art and do art classes with kids? Or do I want a job that I just don't have to deal with people, and perhaps is just paper work? I can see myself in both lights, and I can see myself both happy and miserable in both lights-- I just don't know.... I know I need to get out of my current job (or at least a strong part of me says so due to it would be better for myself)......\

As well as I can go- I am alright I am fine- i got my answers and i can run with them-- then I am very doubtful and all that has crashed down and I am at stare down again with myself with what is real with me, and what i have used to lie to myself to just push throw...

In the end, as I grow older- I accept parts of me-- I am an emotional being, that is trying their best to not let that get the best of them- as well as use those as a tool... I am problem solver, but some times I try to problem solve to far which does not help anyone- but none the less it has made me contemplative and a thinker which is good for seeing things from different angles and other times I am just blind to be bluntly put; after all we can't see it all and we can't know all..... In the end, we are who we are, we may change as time goes on which is fine- I think that is part of growing... and being a little lost here and there is ok, we may not know our ways--- I think we have a lot of time to figure it out (that is my take on it at least)- we may not know who we are right now, or what we are doing, but I guess that silly thinking of hoping one day it may come together a little clearly and stay and not just be whim is me....

To be honest I am not sure if this touches on the borderline traits of me or the "loss of self" or Identity issues--or what not-- .. I am not sure if I even fully understand that and not sure if this even relates-- for me this can be very difficult and frustrating. Some times i am not sure if I am following my heart or following someone else as I see them want me to be image as well-- I try best to stay away from that however, I have a lot of pain mixed with that self of mine when i do realize it.

[AngelWolf3]

I totally understand. I am 31 and I still don't know who the heck I am. I have been desperately trying to figure that out. I wish I had some advice for you, but know that I am at least thinking of you and hear what you are saying. It does get depressing.

Especially (in my case) when I thought I knew where I was going, and then got injured by some idiot, and then it totally ruined my career choice and I have to find a new future. Totally blows.

But, I hope you find answers, or at least some peace!