[Hellion]

At lest its not who I thought I was before...I mean I am seriously not really a violent person at all. But it seems instead of just getting the panic reponse to things that set me off I get rather aggressive sometimes.

I almost hit my dad in the face on the last road trip I went on because I got set off and he said some stupid things which just aggravated me more so I tried to beat the crap out of him and my brother had to hold me back. I mean what if I go off like that in public?......what then? I mean how am I supposed to be around people at all if I could go all crazy on them at any minute?

[eskielover]

What was the trauma that ended up setting you off like that?

Are you seeing a therapist or psychologist? to get help with your PTSD? (I assume that's where your anger issues are coming from since you posted in the PTSD forum). There are a lot of things that can help with PTSD symptoms......but you need to get the help so that you will better be able to handle the triggers.

[Hellion]

Well it started with a girl getting shot at my school by someone who wasn't a student but managed to come into the school and that is how it ended. But then it kind of set off a chain reaction of causing all my tramatic memories to resurface at the worst times...such as being ostracized and treated like crap at school, having parents that couldn't get along and argued a lot especially at night when i was trying to sleep.

And I am still working on trying to talk to someone, not that i think it would do any good considering I have tried therapy only to find even the therapists don't understand. I need to not be exposed to the triggers........or if there is a drug that can dull my senses enough to prevent me from reacting to the triggers that would work to.

But yeah breathing techniques and yoga does not exactly work for almost hitting someone in the face or diving to the ground when startled before I even know what I'm doing. I mean by the time I realise I am reacting to a trigger I have already reacted to it.

[eskielover]

Some things come down to just having to have self-control because you can't stop the triggers & I know from experience that any drug strong enough to dull your senses leaves you completely useless to do anything else either. It was what I had to take after I went through a trauma & wasn't able to sleep because of the nightmares.....gave me a drug that completely knocked me out because I was so sick.

The shooting is definitely considered a trauma that would cause PTSD.....but the trauma has to basically be life threatening or at least seem to be life threatening.....so the ostracizing & having parents that didn't get along are things that it would help you process in therapy. Those are the kind of things that need to be processed, accept that they happened (not that they were ok....just that they happened) then let go of them....they are definitely from your past.......& are not something that is going on NOW.....some things need to be left if the past where they happened....but it's good to have a T so you can process what those things causes you to feel like.

I can definitely understand your diving to the ground when you are startled by a noise.

Hitting someone in the face.......maybe you need some anger management classes also......DBT therapy is one of the best types of normal therapy because it teaches you skills in how to handle your emotions, how to deal with distress, & how to interpersonally relate to others

Don't know how long ago the shooting was? but at least for quite some time, your reaction would be normal....just like all the people who have been shot at over in Iraq & that area....it's a normal reaction to that kind of trauma.....processing it however can help even that go away with the right T who knows how to handle that kind of trauma.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Some things come down to just having to have self-control because you can't stop the triggers & I know from experience that any drug strong enough to dull your senses leaves you completely useless to do anything else either. It was what I had to take after I went through a trauma & wasn't able to sleep because of the nightmares.....gave me a drug that completely knocked me out because I was so sick.

Well I don't have that kind of control over it, and it kinda scares me...I mean I hate to think of what I could be capable of. I mean people in my life seem to want to downplay it....like I could simply just control it or something the whole issue is I can't though I mean it just keeps getting worse. I am pretty sure my sister never wants to go on a road trip with me again and I can't really blame her.

But yeah no matter how much I try to have self control it doesn't seem to work...I just end up supressing everything until I get triggered and freak out more intensely because of all the stress build up I have from supressing things....or I get physical ailments related to stress.

The shooting is definitely considered a trauma that would cause PTSD.....but the trauma has to basically be life threatening or at least seem to be life threatening.....so the ostracizing & having parents that didn't get along are things that it would help you process in therapy. Those are the kind of things that need to be processed, accept that they happened (not that they were ok....just that they happened) then let go of them....they are definitely from your past.......& are not something that is going on NOW.....some things need to be left if the past where they happened....but it's good to have a T so you can process what those things causes you to feel like.

I have read that being bullied and ostracized over long periods of time can contribute to PTSD and it might not have seemed totally life threatening but I certainly did feel threatened most of the time even by teachers...but I was more getting at the shooting thing caused the PTSD and the PTSD made all the other bad memories worse and more vivid also I have flashbacks of the bullying and I hate to say it it even my parents yelling at each other since I've had the symptoms.

And I tried therapy to do just that and I guess maybe CBT does not work for me....I mean I know its in the past and it's not going on now, but that does not make the pain any less when I can't stop the flood of bad memories.

I can definitely understand your diving to the ground when you are startled by a noise.

Hitting someone in the face.......maybe you need some anger management classes also......DBT therapy is one of the best types of normal therapy because it teaches you skills in how to handle your emotions, how to deal with distress, & how to interpersonally relate to others.

I don't know its not like I wanted to...its like I could not help the reaction, so I don't really know if that would help. And as for relating to others maybe that's not such a good idea the less people in my life the less people I can bring down with me. But maybe I will try and talk a psychologist or therapist or something and if they think that would be a good idea maybe I'd try it. But yeah it wasn't so much anger more I was freaking out and my dad was being an idiot and pushing me while I was already freaking out.

Don't know how long ago the shooting was? but at least for quite some time, your reaction would be normal....just like all the people who have been shot at over in Iraq & that area....it's a normal reaction to that kind of trauma.....processing it however can help even that go away with the right T who knows how to handle that kind of trauma.

[/quote]

And it was like 6 years ago, and things have only gotten worse.

[Open Eyes]

((Hellion))),

What you are discribing about how you can get very "snappy and mean" and it catches even "you" offguard, is part of PTSD. I have experienced that myself and yes, it is very troubling. I am not a mean or violent person either, but I do experience this sudden flood of anger and it ranges from being snappy to complete RAGE in me.

I have been slowly paying attention to that and I make sure that I appoligize after I exert these negetive emotions. I have done my best to explain it to my husband who has a way of bringing out these snappy responses in me. It is usually due to his desire to take over and pick on whatever I do.

The good part is that you are recognizing that you do have this negetive energy that comes up. It means that you are becoming aware and you need to see if you can trace where it leads to and find ways to work through it consciously.

The last time I posted to you, you did not have a therapist to work with. I still recommend that you continue to make efforts to try to find one that specializes in trama/ptsd treatment.

You need to understand PTSD better so you can work through the different symptoms that present with PTSD. This anger is one to the symptoms that you need to work through and find ways to slowly find a way to consciously feel it coming and keep yourself from these strong outbursts. And yes, I know how it is troubling to wonder if you may lose it around people who will not understand what it means.

You can definitely learn how to slowly control this sudden pop up anger.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Hmm maybe though it wasn't just anger, I was also in the midst of what felt like a panic attack so fear mixed with anger I guess can cause me to act without thinking...which I suppose makes sense.

But yeah I don't really know how to explain it and when I try it seems like most people including my family think I'm just making excuses or something...and then they yell at me for intentionally 'acting that way.' Which only sets me off more. I still haven't gotten around to talking to anyone, I will probably go to a mental health place tommorow and if that one cannot really help I have some numbers to others.

[Open Eyes]

(((Hellion))),

Well yes, it includes anxiety in the fuel for pop up anger, anxiety is the constant with all the moods/cycles that are a part of struggling with PTSD.

Your family is not going to recognize or sympathize with how you struggle Hellion. From what you have discribed of them, they practice "escapism through alcohol".
They don't deal with their problems, they just get intoxicated. People who turn to drugs and alcohol don't learn how to deal and grow up, they only learn to drug their problems away.

I had to learn the hard way about that because of my husband. His answer was to get hammered, instead of grow up and deal. He started doing that very young too.
I had to deal with that in him in my marriage, as a matter of fact in answering a young pregnant lady in another thread I recalled a time out of many were I felt VERY alone. I was pregnant and his answer to his stress with that was to go out and drink all night, get hammered, pass out/black out and not come home. And years later I found out he cheated on me too.

I know we talked about AA, and you were not comfortable with going. It is not "just" about not drinking or doing drugs in AA, it is about "learning how to grow up and deal with life". They meet every week and instead of drinking, they join together and learn how to "deal" with life verses drinking it away.

Hellion, many alcoholics "have PTSD" and run to the booze/drugs to escape. We cannot run from PTSD and learning how to deal with anxiety about the challenges we face in life. If we hide in alcohol/drugs we do not grow up. And that is what your family members display everytime they drink into a stooper and ignore "you" and deny "your" struggles and anger. I was ignored over and over and over because I had binge alcoholics around me. I didn't realize what that was, I thought it was normal to have drinks and get hammered like my dad, sister, husband did. I have learned the hard way Hellion what all of that means and how that has deeply affected "me".
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Yes and they all do it, not just with alcohol though its just an attitude that seems to persist on both sides of my family. My moms side calls it fake it till you make it, I guess my dads side calls it have a beer and get over it.

I also use drugs though, but usually more out of curiosity or recreationally(not so much nowdays) or to self medicate. The point isn't necessarily to escape or not deal with problems its more about having some relief just to make it more bearable. I mean I don't even like drinking very much anymore because of how stupid my family gets with it. I do still like cannabis but it doesn't drug my problems away it calms me down so I can actually think.

But yeah I am kind of sick of alcohol honestly, so I doubt I will be drinking as much.....maybe a couple beers or drinks here and there but other then that no thanks. I can't really ignore my problems even if I do drink. I mean I am not into drinking my life away(especially after the last road trip to go visit some relatives I was on). So I don't feel the need to be in a group to help me not drink my life away.

But yeah not sure what all to do with that, I mean yeah I have screwed up family and that's that I suppose. I don't really know of a solution for that other than just recognize it and try not to beat myself up every time I mess up when I am hardly the worst of the bunch.

[Open Eyes]

(((Hellion))),

What you are discribing is a disfunctional family atmosphere. It affects us more than we realize, me too. And what I have found myself is that it also became a way in which I was invalidated and denied. I learned how to accept that, thinking that if I was struggling and needed help, I was weak and everyone's problem.
And if I tried to push myself to reach out, it was reinforced how "it was wrong of me to make my problems others had to deal with somehow and they didn't allow it".

And the other problem is that because of that we don't have a role model to show us how to grow up and take charge of our lives. Hense when we make those efforts we don't seem to feel comfortable and don't understand why. If we go to school and fail, we blame ourselves, and we can even go into that atmosphere thinking, "whats the point, I am not going to make it anyway". It can be that when we are in that atmosphere we can even feel phoney somehow or different from others that are working at it diligently and manage to make connections with others who do the same. So that too makes us feel somehow "out of place and uncomfortable". And we can get even more depressed and confused about what it means to go forward and invest in ourselves.

An in that environment of advanced education, a person who doesn't have a healthy role model growing up will see any kind of failure as "I am not good enough to do this and who am I fooling". And it becomes easy to take a normal "uncomfortable adjustment that all students face especially in their freshman year at college" into a sense of total failure and thinking again, WOW, I am not with it, cant learn, focus, gain, move forward here at all. Any kind of "failed test or low graded paper" becomes "proof" that "I must be too stupid or something to get this". When in reality, failing at anything is "normal" and can mean that someone has to "learn more about how to learn" and that is "all". The main point about "education" is to "learn how to learn" to get the brain accepting information and learning how to apply that information to developing "new tools" and gains and progress to growth.

When someone turns to "any drug like alcohol/marijuana/cocaine etc. What that means is they are trying to produce "dopamine" to feel "rewarded and happy". And what they do not realize is that as they do that, they damage that part of the brain's ability to produce that chemical as a reward for "healthy learning and gaining and growing". So, in reality, that ability to "learn, grow and move forward and getting access to normal dopamine that helps us celebrate our gains" is damaged and we begin to only be able to gain that reward by "drugs" and hense, we do not "learn" how to grow up and "learn how to learn".

What your mother is saying?, "fake it" well she is dead on with that statement, because that is what her family is doing. They never grew up, the are just "faking" it.
And yes, it is affecting you, because you "want" to grow up and get with "life". But you don't know how and when you DO try you feel confused and "not ready somehow".
And now you are in limbo. This is what happens to many who are dealing with a family member or parent that is suffering from "alcoholism" and all the unhealthyness/disfunction that disease entails.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

[quote=Open Eyes;2440156]

(((Hellion))),

What you are discribing is a disfunctional family atmosphere. It affects us more than we realize, me too. And what I have found myself is that it also became a way in which I was invalidated and denied. I learned how to accept that, thinking that if I was struggling and needed help, I was weak and everyone's problem.

And the other problem is that because of that we don't have a role model to show us how to grow up and take charge of our lives. Hense when we make those efforts we don't seem to feel comfortable and don't understand why. If we go to school and fail, we blame ourselves, and we can even go into that atmosphere thinking, "whats the point, I am not going to make it anyway". It can be that when we are in that atmosphere we can even feel phoney somehow or different from others that are working at it diligently and manage to make connections with others who do the same. So that too makes us feel somehow "out of place and uncomfortable". And we can get even more depressed and confused about what it means to go forward and invest in ourselves.

Well yeah I do feel like that a lot, and I have known for quite some time my family is very dysfunctional and chances are it wont become more functional so I kind of have to accept that.

An in that environment of advanced education, a person who doesn't have a healthy role model growing up will see any kind of failure as "I am not good enough to do this and who am I fooling". And it becomes easy to take a normal "uncomfortable adjustment that all students face especially in their freshman year at college" into a sense of total failure and thinking again, WOW, I am not with it, cant learn, focus, gain, move forward here at all. Any kind of "failed test or low graded paper" becomes "proof" that "I must be too stupid or something to get this". When in reality, failing at anything is "normal" and can mean that someone has to "learn more about how to learn" and that is "all". The main point about "education" is to "learn how to learn" to get the brain accepting information and learning how to apply that information to developing "new tools" and gains and progress to growth.

I went to college thinking I would succeed, I mean I never really struggled too much with grades except I was always pretty terrible at math...but the PTSD turned my favorite activity reading into a trigger(which did not help matters in college since there is lots of reading of text books) and as the symptoms got worse the less I was able to focus...and yeah by my second year I dropped out and was doing far too many drugs just so I didn't have to think about it. So it was partially just my initial lack of confidence and such but the PTSD also screwed up my ability to effectively do schoolwork......not to mention being on a campus sets me off to since what cased the PTSD happened in my highschool and so school settings make me quite nervous which makes it harder to focus.

When someone turns to "any drug like alcohol/marijuana/cocaine etc. What that means is they are trying to produce "dopamine" to feel "rewarded and happy". And what they do not realize is that as they do that, they damage that part of the brain's ability to produce that chemical as a reward for "healthy learning and gaining and growing". So, in reality, that ability to "learn, grow and move forward and getting access to normal dopamine that helps us celebrate our gains" is damaged and we begin to only be able to gain that reward by "drugs" and hense, we do not "learn" how to grow up and "learn how to learn".

Hmm in my case I've used drugs to entertain myself.....and i guess in a sense to feel rewarded and happy except its more about reducing the pain to make it more bearable. I mean I've researched all the drugs I've used or do use so I know the negatives of them and such, but sometimes the relief is worth the risk. I mean at least marijuana is not as damaging as alcohol or cocaine and as far as I know there is nothing that indicates marijuana causes damage to the brain or any other body part...Its unhealthy to smoke it and it makes some people feel anxious and/or paranoid but then based on my experiance so does prozac since it did that to me, but of course it works great for some people.

The thing is I never was 'happy' i never had that ability to just enjoy the moment and relax. Ever since I can remember I've always had high levels of stress and the PTSD just made it about 100x worse and so eventually I tried substances including alcohol and cannabis and found I liked that some drugs could mellow me out...so naturally I decided to take them.

What your mother is saying?, "fake it" well she is dead on with that statement, because that is what her family is doing. They never grew up, the are just "faking" it.
And yes, it is affecting you, because you "want" to grow up and get with "life". But you don't know how and when you DO try you feel confused and "not ready somehow".
And now you are in limbo. This is what happens to many who are dealing with a family member or parent that is suffering from "alcoholism" and all the unhealthyness that disease entails.

Open Eyes

Well I am not quite sure I would word it like that.....I mean I don't really even know what I want. I mean I really am not competing to be more mature or grown up than my family...its not that important to me. I mean I guess I just want to more or less live my life and quit worrying so much what my family or people in general think about how I choose to do so. Not prove that I can be a bigger and better adult or anything. But yeah I never really felt ready for anything if that makes any sense.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, that makes sense Hellion. But this is not about "competeing" with your family.
This is about "you" being able to grow and develope "inspite of them".

Yes, any "drug" we take affects the chemicals in our brains. People think that if they hurt a leg and take a "pain" medication that the medication fixes the pain in the leg.
No, a pain medication is designed to address the part of the brain that signals "pain" and slow that down, even stop that signal and often that helps us to relax as well. Sometimes these drugs also sedate or even give a sense of pleasure so that is why people become "addicted" to pain medications.

Marijuana, does effect the brain. And it does effect the brain's ability to learn. While it does relax us, and we can concentrate, that doesn't mean that we concentrate and truely learn. It just seems that way. Just like when we drink or do a drug that increases the dopamine levels in our brain we "think" we feel "happy". But that only lasts just so long and the problem with that is we actually slowly destroy that part of our brain so it takes more alcohol to get the same desired effect. After a while someone has to consume a lot of alcohol to get the desired effect of feeling "happy" as well as "sedating" the brain so "emotions" can't be felt.

As far as PTSD interfering with your reading? Well, the PTSD is an anxiety disorder and a big part of PTSD is that the person who is experiencing it struggles to control emotions/reactions and they become "anxious" and experience a lot of "anxiety" and that interferes with the ability to concentrate.

But it isn't just the "reading" that is the problem, it is the "pressure to learn" and "utilize the new information" that is the problem. When we experience "anxiety" we struggle to organize our thoughts and when we read, that requires us to be able to organize our thoughts.

Actually "reading" is not really "bad" for PTSD. If we learn to allow ourselves to "focus" on the information and "learn" then we take the power away from the anxiety that is flooding the brain. That is why "coloring books" work to help us calm down and relax.

The thing about emotions is that the part of the brain that contains "emotions" is dumb. It is our intelligent part that is taking in information that is responsible for attaching emotions to whatever comes in.

All people deal with an ebb and flow of emotional responses to information their brains take in. And ALL people get disturbed by certain information that they have learned over their life time that can present uncomfortable emotions and anxiety. The difference with PTSD is that people with PTSD are "more sensitive" and have a much harder time "controling" the anxiety and emotions that ebb and flow in their brain.

When you look at the manual for the different disorders, it is important to understand that many of the disorders are "normal to the human brain" but it becomes a "disorder" when the person can't "control" something and it interferes with their ability to function. All human beings experience "anxiety" and even "depression" as well as "highs and lows" or "ups and downs". Anxiety that someone struggles to "control" and interferes with how a person can manage day to day, becomes and "anxiety disoder".

I am in no way trying do take the "real challenge" out of PTSD. I struggle with it myself and it "is" a very real challenge. However when someone experiences PTSD, that person CAN learn to slowly manage it over time and regain the ability to control the strong "symptoms" of PTSD. Each person in different in that process depending on what caused this PTSD "disorder" to manifest in that person.

Yes, many people struggle to gain "control" over their emotions. This can be a result of something that person did not "learn" in their childhood. Children very "easily" imprint things from their parents. And they are very dependant on their atmosphere to help them "learn" how to manage their emotions effectively. We sure have a wide variety of issues that present in many human beings due to a lack of proper nurturing in their childhoods that they are not even aware of.

Many people utilize "drugs" to make up for what they struggle to accomplish to find "pleasure" and control over their anxieties and emotional challenges. But a drug is "not" the cure. We are supposed to use drugs along with "therapy" where we can "learn" how to gain control on our own for our emotional struggles and challenges.

Ofcourse there is an ongoing debate about "drug" treatment for various "disorders".
We are still trying to understand "how" the brain works.

However, though I am not a therapist/psychiatrist from what "I" have been reading and learning, I believe that we can "learn" how to gain control of many disorders and function without always having to turn to "drugs". There have been "several" kinds of therapies that have proven this, one being AA as well.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Well I understand all of what you are saying and it does make sense. I guess I am just willing to take the risks that come with drugs like cannabis because the relief is worth it to me even if it is only temporary. I know it's not a cure but it makes me feel better.

Maybe some people can deal with the pain without drugs, but I guess I am not one of them. Also regardless of if I actually can concentrate better with cannabis or not, I certainly do get more done when I use it and I don't get as slowed down by jumbled up thoughts due to anxiety so I can stay focused.

As for reading I know it's not bad for PTSD in general...it's just that day I was reading up until I realized the school was being put on lock down. I would always read as long as I could till the teacher would get after me to put my book down and pay attention to class. So reading makes me anxious even though it used to be pretty much my favorite activity.

Also I don't know about regaining control, I don't know I ever really had any...I mean i don't know that suppressing things till they come out as either psychological symptoms or physical symptoms is the same thing as being in control.