[Hellion]

I got a list of more phone numbers...went to my appointment and talked to the psychologist but she thought the psych ward would be more trouble than its worth if its not a complete absolute necessity which it wasn't at that moment.

Anyways she wants me to get an assessment for Aspergers Syndrome(soon to just be Autism Spectrum Disorder in the DSM) so I can get proper help for the PTSD, Depression and Anxiety since if I do have that the sort of help that works for a lot of people wouldn't probably help me. But it just seems like so much waiting around. And I plan to make some of those calls and see what I can figure out but it almost seems like it would be pointless, seems like getting on SSI is pointless. I mean as I wait around trying to get proper help and income the the city I live in and the world in general is just getting worse, the other day there was almost a riot when I was downtown....Wanted to join in not because I had any idea what it was about(didn't at the time) but that inner rage wanted to come out so bad and get in on it.

Since the appointment I just keep feeling like its pointless, like I am slipping away and I want to self destruct......just live life try and get something out of it or die trying, don't really know but moping about waiting for proper help hoping it might get better isn't working. Just don't know what I want though based on my experiances the other day when I ventured out I cant help feeling in a sense I am not wrong to feel the way I feel. I don't feel like I can be saved, can't help thinking I should have been the one killed in the lockdown.

[Open Eyes]

((Hellion)), it is good that you got to see someone, and this person gave you some more information. Yeah I know, it doesn't "fix" your situation, but it is a step in a direction forward. I understand you are weary and frustrated with the system, yes, it does take time to find your way to the right help. Sure, it is easy to fall into feeling hopeless as if there will be "no one" that will be able to help you. But that is selling yourself short, you need to have some faith that you are on a path to finding the person you need to "help" you. You have to keep being "determined" to keep looking.

Yes, I have been challenged like that myself, and the PTSD can present feelings of hopelessness. So you have to realize that some of these depressing hopeless thoughts are due to what you are struggling with and to give yourself time to work past it inspite of how you feel like no one will be able to help you, keep an open mind. I know it is hard but keep being "patient" with yourself and lots of "self care"
just as you would if the "you" that is trying to reach out is "someone else that is challenged". You would be kind enough to reach out to that other person, right? Well, ya gotta do it for the "you" too.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Why do i 'need' to have faith I am on my way to finding someone who can help me, it is very possible I am not or wont be able to, so from my perspective it really does no good to trick myself into believing that just so have hope. I don't really think I am selling myself short I think I am being realistic.

Still not so awesome with the lots of self care or being patient.

[Open Eyes]

(((Hellion))),
Because that is what you need. You need to find a therapist that can help you help yourself. PTSD is like having someone hit you over the head, knocking you out and when you wake up you feel very lost and full of self doubt and fear. PTSD is a condition where the person suffering feels hopeless, angry, lost, depressed, and can't seem to find a forward momentum.

I went through this too Hellion, and like you I had some disappoints too when I reached out for help. But I kept trying and that was not easy either, I finally found a therapist that "knows" about PTSD and is helping me to work "through" it and slowly gain forward momentum. For a while I was crawling and still very challenged, and my family was no help either. And it has not been easy for me at all, I struggle even now, however I have been making "progress" too.

I am sorry that you are struggling so much, I have been there and it is a real challenge. You have to keep "trying" to pursue help, there "are" people out there that are good therapists that help lots of people who are challenged with PTSD. You are not alone in the way you are struggling Hellion. I know you don't have family around you that help or support you (I didn't either), so you have to keep reaching out until you find someone that "can" support and help you.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

I guess I feel my experiances have taught me that one song should go 'you don't always get what you want and sometimes you don't even get what you need.' But yes that is a good analogy of how PTSD feels.

I am still trying, I got past my initial dissapointment with just being given a list of phone numbers and being told if I want help I have to force myself to call them. I am taking meds though trying to get the right dosage or whatever and it does lift the anxiety some. I mean I know I don't think its wrong to use drugs to help, so I shouldn't feel guilty about resorting to meds. Of course sometimes when I feel something is helping some i just suppress my issues all over again, but this time I will still try and get the proper help.

Even so though I always have it in the back of my mind that even if I do try it it wont work out and I'll give up. But then with the meds though I like the decrease in anxiety I am afraid with less anxiety I might be more confrontational since I still get triggered but don't feel as much fear/panic so that is one concern I kind of have. But maybe I could somehow learn to be assertive enough but not overdo it.

[Hellion]

Sorry for bothering you with all this...as usual I am too weak to seek proper help, so yeah I am afraid all of your concern was wasted. I have an appointment on thursday but I doubt that will get me much further than I am so sorry for bothing you all with this crap. But thanks anyways.

[likewater]

Hi , Hellion. Sounds like on top of everything else you have survivor's guilt. I know a lttlte bit about that after my brother committed suicide. I take a lot of meds too. they probably keep me alive, but every day is a struggle. Keep reaching out for help and posting here. You are among friends.

[StrangeOutOfContext]

Thank you for sharing...you. I haven't been able to do that yet. You've inspired me to reach out. Thank you.

[Hellion]

And I hate my life...mom got me an appointment with some therapist who apparently knew all about 'aspergers syndrome' which I supposedly have which explains my social akwardness or whatever...and could help me with finding the resources to get proper help for the PTSD, Anxiety and Depression with having that underlying disorder.

Well it was a waste of time, got a another meeting with her next week, so I think I will just say I cant afford to keep going next meeting. Don't see it going anywhere and I would rather my mom help me cover my prescription costs til I can get an income than pay for lousy therapy appointments. But now with this person I am right back where I started with the doctors office I've been going to except at least they gave me klonopin to help mellow the anxiety........and Mirtazapine or something like that to help with sleep and its an anti-depressant of some sort not sure how its really effecting me honestly.

[Open Eyes]

(((Hellion))),

I think you should give this therapist a try if she/he understands what you are struggling with and can help you. Yes, I know that feeling of "no one is going to help" but honestly, if you give it a chance you can be plesantly surprised, I know I was. There is no harm in trying.

((Hugs))

[Hellion]

Yeah well I will give it a go, I don't really have much to lose anyways, and I got nothing better to do. Other then probably give the SSI number a call to see what is going on with that since I haven't really heard anything back. And I am still trying to figure out how to get a proper deferment for my stupid college loans.

[girlwithbrownhair]

Once you apply for the SSI a lot of your anxiety may lessen. Hope does wonders.

I'm an Aspie, and stubborn like you are. Aren't currently needing SSI though I have in the past, bucked it, and wished I hadn't. Stubborness can take you down a long, slithery road, a long slithery lonely road. So at least put the application in. Meanwhile just take it day by day.

If it helps, try a "what if" list to help you determine if placement in a ward seems suitable. "What if" meaning what together you and your therapist can decide on paper could be the point you need admitted. Not leaving a house for a week...wrecking your house...threatning somebody, mood at a 1 one a scale of 1 to 10 for two days in a row. That sort of thing.

Only you can decide what's appropriate, but I find having a list of concrete terms, such as a my OWN criteria for admittance to a psych unit, quite helpful, myself.

[Hellion]

I already applied, and haven't heard anything back from them really, I may call later today and see what is going on like if I need to mail or fax more recently aqquired records....like I have records of taking meds for depression, to help sleep and anxiety and a few appointments but yeah if anything I've been anxious about that due to not hearing anything back. I suppose I am glad I applied though.

And yeah there are those sort of things, as well as suicidal thoughts, then of course I guess I can't blame people for their emotions but it doesn't help when people in my family are so blinded by their own emotions they can only see it from the perspective of 'how could they just off themself and leave me like that.' so yeah it doesn't work to well when I try to talk to them about feeling suicidal....I mean the last thing I want to hear is how much (insert family member) would hate me if I did that even if it is just because they love me and would hate to lose me that way.

Then I have thoughts but they present in words/phrases sort of things putting me down not really sure what the deal is with that but it can be annoying especially when I am trying to convince myself I am not so bad and not totally worthless. Also I feel pretty lost and confused about life in general...at my last therapy appointment the therapist kept commenting on that and it was an akward appointment because I couldn't come up with much to say....and she asked a lot of questions but it was too much for me to try and process it all and come up with any sort of answers.

But yeah I don't really know what it is I want or need or anything, I feel totally clueless about pretty much everything. And its been bothering me a lot lately because it seemed I always had my intelligence to fall back on even when everything sucked and things seemed to make more sense so its like I've been decreasing in brain functioning or something..the topic sort of came up in the appointment but I felt too emotional to talk about it for some reason so I changed the subject because I didn't want to cry in front of the therapist......I don't like to do that in front of anyone really.

Then this is ridiculous but then I feel like people would be pissed off at me if I did end up admitted to a psych ward and they found out it was mostly because of feeling suicidal.