[dinglehammers]

Sorry this is going to be so long but something happened last night that absolutely demolished my mind.

In a criminal behavior course at the university I attend a guest lecturer came in to talk about sexual offenders and sexual crimes. he started staring at me before the lecture began and I instantly thought "oh my god he thinks im a sex offender." Worst part being, a girlfriend somewhat recently left me because she was suffering as a result of my emotional abuse, something I now accept. so as the lecture went on i began feeling super uncomfortable which was visible. the lecturer started saying things like "sexual offends re offend at this rate BUT NONE OF YOU WOULD BE LIKE THAT." or "how would you feel if there were a sex offender IN THIS CLASSROOM." Im a really low self esteem person and have had trouble maintaining a normal life, which was matching some of the rapist typologies. I ended up darting out of the classroom twice, the last time leaving until the lecture was over. I became physically ill.

mind you I was really anxious before I attended the class and wondered if this guy picked up on my anxiety and related it to the class. He works with sex offenders in a jail around this area. I was sexually abused as a child and dont know if what i was feeling was guilt or shame or anxiety. I felt like he was going to call the cops and send me to jail or something. I really need some reassurance.

Thansks.

[Open Eyes]

I don't understand why you posted this in the PTSD forum because you do not have that as a diagnosis in your "about me" profile.

It sounds like you have become "aware" that you can be agressive and even abusive, that is a start, because you have to be "aware" you have a problem before you can work on getting to the bottom of it and "finally fixing it".

I seriously "doubt" the guest speaker "knew" you have issues, however, he was right, it was very possible that there could be a "problem person" in that classroom because that is how "common" this issue can be. The fact that you felt he was "outing you" and that you felt threatened or guilty means there is a good chance you can get help with this problem and that you can work on it and yes, it probably has something to do with the abuse you suffered as a child and your inablity to "trust" and that you harbor "anger" that needs to be discussed and worked through.

My advice is to seek help so you can get past this and actually have a more "productive" life.

Open Eyes