[archipelago]

I had some triggers that came up around Christmas. They caused some turmoil that caught me a bit off guard because I have be without symptoms for a while.

Since then I've been taking it easy, but now I am starting to recognize that I'm shutting down. I can feel a withdrawal and walls building up. At first I just thought this was self-protective. Now it concerns me. There is more of a blank feeling and some generalized sadness that doesn't seem to be attached to anything in particular.

My general sense is that I have things to mourn and this is my way of doing that right now. I'm trying to go with it and let it happen. Still it doesn't feel very good and has no sense of time.

[roads]

Shutting down and withdrawing is very risky, even if you're under the pretty close care of a pdoc and a T. Withdrawing from the world is bad enough, because no one but you knows what's going on with you--but if you shut down enough, you lose touch with you ... and so not even you know.

Please don't let that happen. Don't let it continue any further. Start making contacts here, post in the forums, get involve. I think that feeling that this isn't very good is reliable and you need to tear down any walls between you and the world. Engage your demons, don't let them catch you off guard.

Roadie

Originally Posted by iota

I had some triggers that came up around Christmas. They caused some turmoil that caught me a bit off guard because I have be without symptoms for a while.

Since then I've been taking it easy, but now I am starting to recognize that I'm shutting down. I can feel a withdrawal and walls building up. At first I just thought this was self-protective. Now it concerns me. There is more of a blank feeling and some generalized sadness that doesn't seem to be attached to anything in particular.

My general sense is that I have things to mourn and this is my way of doing that right now. I'm trying to go with it and let it happen. Still it doesn't feel very good and has no sense of time.

You just wrote word, for word, what I am experiencing. I am sorry. I have no advice. Don't even know that it matters to you ,or me, to know that someone else feels the same way. Probably shouldn't bother with the reply, but here it is, anyway.

[Open Eyes]

Excellent advice Roadie.

((iota)), I had the same thing happen to me over the holidays this year too.

The holidays are very hard for anyone struggling PTSD tbh. And that is because this holiday brings on the messages of how it should be celebrated, what is considered the "meaning" of the holiday and for anyone struggling that is often not something they "can" seem to do somehow.

I had so many triggers and flashbacks of Christmas's past and I got very confused, and I have to say I realized that "I didn't know how to do Christmas" this year. I was reminded of all the "hurt parts" of me and it was beyond words and I just felt jamed up and I got "exhausted" and "overwhelmed".

Roadie is right, you have to pull yourself up out of that and make efforts to get back to communicating and even healing. I came to PC alot and answered different questions and decided to let go a bit and remind myself that I do not have to have all the answers and resolve yet.

What I remind myself is that most people get stressed "normally" over the holidays, and after the holidays, most people need extra time to "decompress" and get back to their day to day lower key lifestyle/mindset. I have PTSD so whatever normal people feel, will be "magnified" in me. I then decide to let go more and more and that I don't have to fit into any "ideal" of "what should be" and just get back on track with my healing and therapy.

Remind yourself that you don't have to have "all the solutions" right now, and that really, no one does anyway, so you are not as "off track" as you think. Remind yourself that you "are" working through PTSD, so that means you need to give yourself a break and make sure that you are not feeding into the PTSD and just being hard on yourself.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[archipelago]

Thanks for all the support. I woke up this morning not feeling sad, but still feeling blank. I decided that I couldn't let this overtake me. I've just come too far to let things go now.

So I got out my journal and started trying to work on building up some internal strength that I feel has been drained a bit. I also made some plans to get some things taken care of that I've been putting off. Though not all that much fun, they need to be done and it will make me feel more active again.

I also plan to do something nice for myself and call my therapist if I'm not doing better later on.

This does feel like a reaction to the intensity of what happened, but I want to make sure that it doesn't head toward depression. I haven't needed anti-depressants for a while now and I would prefer not to take them if I can find other ways.

[skeksi]

I so relate to the blank feeling. That's my pattern--I go blank to avoid feeling some pretty bad stuff. It's protective, even though it's uncomfortable. For some reason that helps me deal with it, telling myself, "This is a way to protect myself."

I am glad to hear that you did some journaling work, that you see you need to build up some strength again. You're right to be cautious not to ignore this going into a tailspin. You're handling this well, even if it's awful to go through.

I think I am doing the same thing right now. Just fairly shut down / clammed up. Thinking, processing, protecting myself. I, too, feel as though I could have written the same exact thing. Word for word. It describes my current state pretty accurately.