[Mama Char-Lee]

My stupid brain just doesn't know when to stop...I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. I keep replaying every horrific event in my life, and I keep seeing the kids' faces over and over. (I was reporting the pedo pages on facebook...they were removed, but for all my efforts, I end up with a mental breakdown and PTSD for something that happened 26+ years ago. Nice, right?)

To add insult to injury, I think the meds are finally taking their toll on my system. I've been on them since September and going to therapy, which I missed my appt. today no thanks to having bloody/mucousy diarrhea for 7 days now. I think I'm losing more than I'm putting into my body and if I STOP taking my meds, I will most likely do something incredibly regretful and I no longer have a family doctor to go to about the stomach issues. The thought of having to leave my house and screwing up my weekly routine turns my stomach. I have to mentally prepare myself a day in advance if I so much as *think* I might have to leave the house the following day. God, I am pathetic.

And I don't mean to be crude...I know I'm on the blunt side, but maybe someone else has these same problems and can give me some advice...but my sex life is officially persona non grata, unless it requires batteries. It takes almost an hour to achieve *ahem* you-know-what and NOW, when I *do* get to have an orgasm, I "squirt." I thought I was becoming incontinent and peeing all over the place. No, after some extensive reading online (and a pretty gross video about it as well) it all comes back to the freakin' meds, backfiring on me AGAIN.

These past few days have been bad, and other than not feeling good (and having to put my poor cat Salem to sleep almost a week and a half ago), there is no rhyme or reason to why this is happening all over again. No matter how hard I try, I can't get the monster responsible for my current mental illness OUT OF MY HEAD. I want him gone, dead and buried, off of this planet and out of my brain, like a file I could permanently delete. I fkng hate pedophiles...I haven't looked for any more of the FB pages because I'm tired of the victims haunting me. I can hardly look at ANY kids' faces, which is bad, considering I work in a newspaper and I have to do the layouts and they cover a lot of stories of local kids in sports/school/etc. If they're looking at the camera, I have a stabbing jolt of fear and I wonder if they're okay, if they're safe, if they're being messed with and I have to look the other way and remind myself to knock it off.

How nice it would be to go back in time to tell my mother what was happening, or to just chew right through that a-hole's manparts regardless of how I ended up. Sorry for the rant. Even my own writing is suffering; I'm working on my last book and it's not coming together the way I had planned it to. Mental roadblocks and oh, yeah, I have the attention span of a freakin' GNAT now. I don't know why this is happening, I don't know if I need another meds adjustment or what the deal is. I just can't stand it anymore. Wish me luck, I'm going to attempt to sleep again.

[Travelinglady]

Hope things will be better soon. Did you call your therapist/pdoc to let them know what's happening?

[Open Eyes]

(((Mama Char-Lee)),

I am soooo sorry you are struggling with PTSD so badly. I can relate, it is such a challenge, and to suddenly have to deal with these things so many years later. People can present with PTSD many years after they suffer abuse/trama. Victims tend to "bury" things, think that because they "survived" they are supposed to "just move on" they never realize they were damaged by the events/trama/abuse.

Alot of psychiatrists put PTSD patients on antidepressants like Zoloft and Prozac, but for many women they find that they constantly are aroused and yet they cannot seem to "relieve it" or what you are discribing happens, and it can be hell. Men can't really get aroused the way they want, but seem to get relief from depression so they can often handle it better. So, having a psychiatrist that is a man, well, he won't know how awful it can really be as a "woman".

Yes, for a while the symptoms can be severe, I can relate to feeling like having the difficulty concentrating and feeling dumb as a nat even. And it is hard to get "relief" from the constant memories. But, you "can" get that reduced "gradually" with therapy. The "anger" can be a challenge too, I struggled to know what to do with it myself. I did gain "some" relief from Klonopin, however that has it's own side effects to deal with too.

You need to discuss this with the pdoc and see if you can change your medication. I worked out my PTSD with "no antidepressants" but that was quite a challenge too.
And I can't tell you what to do as far as medication is concerned, only what I have done myself.

I am soooo sorry, I was sexually abused as a child too, so I understand how challenging it is.

At least you can come here and vent/talk and get validated for the challenge, but you "can" work through it and make some "gains" on this challenge. I am not going to lie, it does take time. It sounds like you are in the first stage, yes, that is the hardest, but you "can" make gains on it. A good book to read about the healing stages of working through PTSD/Trama is "Trama and Recovery" by Judith Herman.

Try you best to not keep "ruminating" if you can, I know it can be hard, but encourage yourself to let go as much as you can. Make sure you try to distract with "positive" thoughts too. This doesn't have to be "all of you, and consume you".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes