Will things ever be the same?

Lately I have been having unbearable problems with extremely disturbing intrusive thoughts, incest, beastiality, rape, pedophilism, believe me when I say NOTHING is the limit. It's like whatever I see, my mind turns it into the most disturbing sexual image possible. It's terrifying. Anyway I've been getting a little bit of a handle on it but I think it probably has something to do with the fact that my brother molested me for a long time when I was younger, and I've been trying to go to therapy but our only psych hospital is always overworked and the staff is, by far, the rudest, most unconcerned people I've ever met. Which is why I'm here. Anyway what I've been concerned about the most is that lately whenever my boyfriend, who is the most wonderful man I've ever met and and whom I wouldn't trade for the world, shows any sort of affection I instantly relate it to something disturbing and I am filled with dread. Things like, what if I were kissing my dad? Or my brother again?

Any other kind of intamacy triggers is it too, just wasn't going to go into detail... I'm so scared that this will ruin our relationship, I've told him what was going on and he's been very understanding and supportive but that still doesn't change the fact that I am having these horrifying thoughts whenever he touches me, even though I have them throughout the day these instances are what brings them on the most. I just want to know that through therapy or meds or even through time things will go back to the way they were, when I felt joy and love and euphoria around him, not terrified and lost. I'm so scared. And I don't want false reassurance. I just want to know if other people have these symptoms and go back to living a happy life after they've come to terms with what happened, or am I just going to stay reclusive and withdrawn forever? Please help...

When I have dated younger women, I had a tendency to see them like my own girls, which immediately turned me off. I was never molested as a child, and I certainly never abused my children, but I have felt that feeling of revulsion in circumstances involving younger women. I don't know what the pathology of it is, and your situation is very different than mine, but the feeling is similar. You are fortunate to have an empathetic mate, and one would hope that you will grow through it together. Perhaps, relationship counseling, if you can afford it, would help.

The last woman I dated was an opinionated, old, battle axe who stimulated more fear than revulsion, so where do I go from here?

(((foxtastic)))

I have struggled with intimacy as a result of my SA past as well. I don't obsess over my memories, but they slam me down hard during moments of closeness. One moment I feel loving, and the next, I am overwhelmed by intense feelings of paranoia. Paranoia that I don't love my bf (I did the same with my ex-hub for many years) and I'm an evil woman.

I go into a panic ~ and I just want to get the heck out of wherever I am! Major confusion and fear completely takes over....which I don't hide. I share these thoughts and feelings with my bf. He doesn't understand it, though he is kind to me. Thankfully! I have had to step back from the relationship a few times as I became overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions.

Writing on PC about how I was feeling, just a couple of weeks ago, really helped me re-gain control over my panicky state of mind. So, I do recommend talking with others when you are in that state of mind. It really does help you gain perspective and put you into a calmer state of mind.

I do see a therapist every other week, and I attend DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) group weekly, to help me work through my past and present. And, yes, I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety med's, and sleeping pills to help me get through my days and nights. Thankfully, my days and nights aren't filled with obsessing over intrusive thoughts. I can imagine how horrifying it has been for you!

I would recommend seeking out assistance from a T, as well as a pDoc, to help you. It sounds like your memories are demanding some attention and work. Things will ease for you as time passes, as you work in T. It isn't an overnight process. But, thoughts and fears strike less and less often. Hopefully, someday, these intense fears won't come at all...and that's what I continue to work towards.

Hugs and best wishes to you!

(((foxtastic))),

First of all I can see you are a fairly new member here at PC, welcome, and I hope you find support here.

Well, I do not see a diagnosis of PTSD in your about me, I am wondering if you have talked about this with a therapist, it sounds like you "may have' PTSD.

What you are talking about is that you have been "sexually abused" and though you have met a very nice man that you love, you are struggling to be intimate with him.
When we have "sex" we are using our bodies and minds in that activity, and what you are talking about is that you have not had a chance to "develope" your own sexuality.
That activity was something that you have only been exposed to in "abusive ways" in your past.

To be able to "heal" from that you will need to heal both physically and mentally to a point where you "take posession of your own mind and body " instead of someone else taking that control over you.

You can't really do this on your own IMO, you will need the help of a therapist and time to work on it until you find your way to being able to "heal" and as I mentioned, give yourself permission to "have your own sexuality, "inspite" of whatever history of abuse you have experienced.

You have to really "want' to take "control back" for yourself, it takes courage, and time, but you "can" heal.

Open Eyes