[mama5jj]

Does anyone know if its possible to maintain relationships with the people that caused the ptsd?

[skeksi]

My abuser was a family member who I still see a few times a year. It's retraumatizing for me and sends me into a tailspin every time. I continue not because I want a relationship with that person, but because I think refusing would ruin my relationship with the rest of the family.

I know some people are able to forgive the person who traumatized them and come to see that person as different, years after the trauma. I do think it's possible (although of course the relationship is never the same as it was before the trauma).

What do YOU think?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by mama5jj

Does anyone know if its possible to maintain relationships with the people that caused the ptsd?

yes it is possible. I work at a crisis center. I encounter many situations that cause me to have my ptsd symptoms. many of these people I must have contact with in order to ensure the safety of my clients.

I also have contact with one of my past abusers because this person is a relative. the bottom line is that I decided I did not want to miss out on contact with my other relatives (his wife and children) just because he did wrong. they didnt do anything to me and my not having a relationship with them would have in my mind seemed like I was punishing them for what he had done. I confronted this abuser and I set some boundaries. he honors my boundaries and understands he wont get my forgiveness, for what he has done but he has my understanding.

what that means is I dont believe "forgiiveness of the abuser" is a must for healing and moving on with my life. its not up to me to "judge" his actions. that is between him and his higher power. someday when he dies he will have to answer to that higher power for what he has done wrong in his life time.

I do understand why he did what he did, he did his time in prison and now its time for me to move forwards in my life. harboring hatred and all for what he has done would only cause me pain physically and mentally. when you think about it whats the one thing abusers want from their victims...power...power to control them...power over the telling about what happened... power of controlling the victims behavior, thoughts actions....

my carrying around hatred and all for an abuser doesnt remove that power from them. it shows the abuser is so powerful that the victims have to keep thinking about them even after the abuser is no longer able to abuse/threaten them.

the best revenge against an abuser is for them to have to watch as you become stronger and see that they dont have any power over you. you have won not the abuser in this fight for body and mind.

when I am over at this relatives home visiting his wife and children it is he that cant stand to be in the room with me, he is the one who's emotions and lack of power over me causes him to leave the room.

i still have ptsd problems about how he bullied and abused me but I have moved on beyond letting the disorder/symptoms and the abuser have power over me.