[Liinu]

Hey you all..

So.. Basically. I've fallen back into this self pity cycle and it got me thinking that well.. I need to get out of it. So I'm now trying to understand what "it" is.

I am now 21. I am a woman. I live a seemingly normal life. I do have a physical disability, which influences some things.

Anyhow.. About the.. traumatic stuff.. So to say.

First thing - My dad left when I was little. I don't even remember him.. I was like 2 or something. But I just kind of know that I was really close with him. And I know that him leaving was hard on me. And it still is. I haven't seen him or talked to him since.

Second thing - When I was 15, I kind of got into a relationship with this guy. We had been online buddies for about a year and then he told me he was in love with me and I was so "OMG, he likes me for real!" that I told him I loved him too and well then we got together and everything was cute and all and after that I realized I didn't really love him. So I dumped him.
He then tried to commit suicide. Four times. And manipulated with me through that. It was kind of like.. "Take me back or I'll kill myself" in a more hidden "life is nothing without you hinthinthint" way. I don't remember much of it.. It was kind of a black hole in my life.
I finally told him to go to hell and just stopped responding to his texts and deleted his number and whatever. He came over once more.. Just wanted to finalize things.. Hugged me and whatnot.. As said, I don't remember the details.

So.. That pretty much made my mistrust towards men ten times worse.

And right now I just finished crying over all of it. I have been single ever since that miserable relationship-wannabe and every single time I start liking a guy, I am completely sure that I actually don't like him and it's just kind of a game. And once I get that "OMG he likes me too" I am done with him. So that has kind of pulled me away from all the guys. Because hurting my ex like that was too painful for me and I can't do that to guys anymore. If that makes sense.

It's like midnight and my eyes still hurt from all the crying and I'm desperate. I mean, it's been six years and I'm really ****ing done with this ****.

So is this post traumatic stuff or what? How do I get over this crap? Is it so hard on me because of daddy issues? I just.. I want to be emotionally ready for a relationship because I'm tired of being alone and scared.

[Open Eyes]

Actually, none of us here can diagnose you. Have you looked up the symptoms of PTSD for yourself to see if you struggle with these symptoms?

I think it would be very helpful for you to talk to a therapist about this too. It does sound that this relationship was more than you could handle and was upsetting for you.

It also sounds like you lacked a father figure in your life and you have a void there, so it would help you to talk this out with a therapist.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Liinu]

Well I know you can't diagnose me, but I was hoping that someone with PTSD could help me make sense of this. I know PTSD varies in people. Some go full on psychotic, some just have bad dreams for years or whatever. I'm just avoiding guys and I don't know if that's because of my trust issues or the traumas.

And I've been looking for a therapist, but they cost quite a lot and I've always talked myself out of going because it's a waste of money.

EDIT:

I looked up the symptoms and realized something.. I do relate to most of them, but I guess there was a third traumatic event, that I hadn't taken into consideration. My best friend walked out on me. I mean.. It had been hard for me to trust anyone for years and I really trusted her. And then w started fighting and my anxiety started getting worse and she even told me once that she'd never leave me because I kept saying that everyone leaves. She promised me that she wouldn't. But the fights got too bad and she left.

And yesterday.. I was actually looking for a story I had started writing and I have this "textfiles" folder that it was supposedly in and I stumbled across an untitled file and looked at it and it was a saved conversation with that ex best friend. The one where she told me that she will never let go and that she cares too much. I had saved it because that was the first time I actually literally felt like anyone cared.

That made me start crying and then all the other thought about my ex and whatever came and those made everything worse.

So I guess maybe that was traumatic too, because most of the symptoms I actually associate with her leaving, but I guess I also wouldn't have been that sensitive to her leaving if it hadn't been for the other stuff.

And yeah.. I need to see a therapist. I'll start looking for some cheaper ones. Maybe there's a free clinic or something..

[Open Eyes]

I didn't mean to sound "short" with you about not being able to diagnose. I just don't want to give anyone the impression that they have PTSD if they don't actually have it.

It does sound as though you have been "hurt" Liinu and you are "depressed" too. I know it isn't easy to find a good therapist, I had to find the right one myself and that took time. However spending time with a "good therapist" is so helpful when challenged with these lows like you are describing. You have been hurt and you have not been able to recover and have the validation and comforting presence you have needed to help you with that.

Unfortunately many of us can find ourselves in a relationship where another person may "let us down" somehow, promising they wont but end up somehow "hurting us" in some way. That doesn't mean you are unworthy or will never find a worthy relationship either.
People are human and we all have our shortcomings. It takes time to learn how to work around that and understand that too.

Morning these "failed relationships" is normal, but it sounds to me like you are also "depressed" and "stuck" and it would really help you to sit with a good T that can help you overcome this, and you are not alone with this challenge either.

((Hugs))
OE

[Liinu]

Well the thing is.. I'm not depressed really. That's what confuses me. I'll be fine for a really long time. Well go out with friends and I'll just be happy. And then, a moment will come, usually when I'm home alone, where I will break down. And I won't be fine. But I'll get through that night and then I'll be fine again.

So it's not one thing all the time. And I wouldn't call that depression, because all the other times, I'm not pretending. I really am having fun and enjoying life.

[Open Eyes]

Well, 21 is "young" still and also a time of being "unsure" about "self and life" too. You do know your brain is still growing and will be until around age 25. A lot of young adults your age feel they should "know more about what they want" and feel if they don't they are in trouble.

It is also normal to wonder about relationships too and even be fearful. It is normal to also have these tearful/emotional days that coincide with PMS too and not realize it.

[Liinu]

Well that one wasn't PMS. But thank you for responding. I guess I'll just take my time and I keep being stuck in that old relationship or whatever, I'll get the help I need.

[Open Eyes]

Well, that relationship was a "bad experience" and it "frightened you" and you were not expecting that to happen. You are struggling because you don't really know how to prevent that from happening again either. The "tears" and "crying" can come from "fear" too. If you spend time with children, when they are afraid, they cry. We have that for a long time, and part of our growing up is "trying things in spite of our fears". That person was expecting "way too much from you" and put you in a place you were not experienced enough to handle either. What you can take away from that is that when someone begins to say things that lead towards, "you are responsible for their happiness and fulfillment", then they are not "healthy for you". People are on the wrong track if they are looking for another person to "make them happy" too. People have to learn how to be "happy themselves first" and that another person who can also do that is what makes the partnership healthy. If a person talks about "killing themselves if you break away from them", what they are really saying is that they don't love themselves or care about themselves and are expecting you to "fix" that, an that is not something "you" can do.

At 21, you need to keep "discovering yourself" yet too. You need to have a stronger foundation in "who you are" first and we don't find that by having others "be responsible for us". You need to decide that this bad experience is a lesson in what not to get involved in with another person. As I mentioned, learn the "warning signs", it really sounds like you were just so happy that someone took an interest in you and seemed to care about you. Well, you didn't see "the unhealthy" part of that which was how the other person was "extremely insecure and eventually toxic and too demanding". You did see "some of your own feelings and insecurities in that, so you feel "sorry" for that other person, that "can" happen and it "is" confusing and can "relate" to another person's insecurities. You are "learning" and "growing" yet and "still fearful" too, that is "normal".

Some of the "healthier" things to look for in a "potential" partner is that the partner have "passions" and they have found things they "enjoy doing and learning and being involved in", picking a person who is "involved with life more" verses trolling the net or just trolling to hunt for another person to "fill them and give to them so they can feel some worthiness". Avoid people who also look to "drugs and alcohol" for self fulfillment too. You are more apt to find a healthier person when you do things that you enjoy, are learning and gaining on skills and knowledge about "engaging in life". Keep in mind that you are not in a relationship to "mother" anyone.

Also, if a child experiences a parent "leaving" and not bothering to have a relationship with them, they do feel "abandoned, unloved, and somehow unworthy" too. And the other problem is that you have not really seen a "working relationship that is healthy" either. Well, for many, what they don't realize is that they develop a deep insecurity about relationships and their worthiness too. IMHO, that is really what your "sadness" is coming from too. As I mentioned, that brings on "fear" too and it is normal to "cry when that fear is present".

One of the ongoing advice tips that has been given is to ask someone about their relationship with their parents and listen to them carefully. If someone talks about "dysfunction and abandonment" then they are going to have "problems" and "may be too needy for you and expect you to fill a void in them that you really cannot fill. You also need to think about this for yourself too, "what are you expecting from another person" in a relationship that may be "unhealthy for the relationship"? Keep in mind, as I mentioned that at 21 a person is still very young and has not really sorted these issues out or found themselves either yet. Talking with a therapist is a good start, but also looking for other people that can be more of a mentor for you is also helpful too. That means gravitating to people who are "engaging in their lives and learning and doing, verses gravitating to people who are "escaping and partying and having their lives revolve around practicing escapism routines, that actually hold them back from "growing up" and learning how to "care about themselves" more. Worthiness is not getting an A or owning something that is connected with a social approval rating. It is about learning how to make your own achievements and developing your own skills that bring you "self satisfaction" and your own sense of "self worthiness" and the people you want to be around are others that can respect that in you, can also show you how they have "grown" to respect that in themselves too.

When we experience parents that don't know how to do that in "themselves" and help their children do the same, it is normal to "feel lost" and "fearful". If you feel that your father didn't "care" enough to stay connected to you somehow, the real reason for that is he didn't have enough "self worth" to give you that, which is a very "common" problem with "dysfunctional parents". You have not talked about your mother here but my guess is she suffers with a sense of "unworthiness" too and you have not had a very positive "mentorship" in your life yet.

OE

[Liinu]

I'm not in the right mental state right now to put down a response to that, but just.. Thank you. You just put everything into words the way I couldn't. So thank you.

On another note - I'm apparently terrified of being alone. I mean like.. Physically alone. I live at a dorm and my roommate left for a few days and there's no one else in the whole apartment (we have an apartment system) who's home so I'm all alone and I'm so scared. I just hope that this one girl from another room in our apartment comes back tonight.

[Open Eyes]

(((Liinu))),

I would be lonely and scared too. Make sure your dorm room door is locked and you put a chair under the knob. If you have windows put things on the top of the bottom window so a noise is made if the window is fiddled with too. Keeping things secure will help you feel safer. If you have a TV in your room put it on, that will keep you company.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Liinu]

We don't actually have door knobs like in the US. And both doors are always locked.. We have like this apartment system. You come in the front door and there's this little hallway and it leads to the kitchen and we have our own bathroom and restroom and three bedrooms. And I keep my bedroom door locked too and I keep the key in front at night so no one can't even open it with a key from the outside because it won't turn. And also you need a magnetic key card to access our floor. So it's all actually really safe, but i don't know.. I just don't like being alone I guess.

First off, please know how sorry I am that you have known such pain early on with your dad. That is bound to have a long lasting effect on you, which can be relieved greatly through therapy. The set up with the boyfriend later on was unfortunate, too. He obviously needed professional help and reached out to a teen in his desperation. Dealing with a suicidal person is definitely not in the "girlfriend job description handbook."

Secondly, I LOVE self-pity--for 30 minutes. Otherwise, I lick my wounds until I chew off my foot. But self-pity serves a purpose for me because while there, I blame "them" for "everything." It is easy to come up with a long list fairly quickly, and I feel so much better afterwards getting all the sadness out. And now that I have been to therapy, I know what to do next so I don't succumb to depression. I ask myself, "What am I getting that I am not wanting"? and then I flip it around and ask, "What am I wanting that I'm not getting"? Sure enough, there are usually boundary issues involved, for I have either let someone cross over a boundary (and ignored an inner signal), or I have encroached on someone else to meet my need when the task was really mine to do in the first place.

Because I self-pity has given me the chance to meet my own cry, I can get on with my life through reinforcing what I already know OR go back into therapy and find out what coping tools I am lacking.

I have been diagnosed with OCD and cPTSD and am on medication, too. I used to suffer from clinical depression, but no longer do, thanks to meds and CBT. Sounds like you are in college? If so, there are mental health services available through campus health clinics. That is where I was diagnosed as an older student finishing up my degree. And the services were part of my fees I paid at registration. I got excellent care through campus services.

Thank you for posting what you did and letting us help you in our various capacities. And thank you for reading my heart share, too.

[Liinu]

Again.. I go to university in an European country. We don't have a campus. We have one big school building and we only have a school counselor on site. So if I do want therapy, I am going to have to look for it outside and pay quite a lot.
Things work differently in my country. Mostly because mental health isn't thought to be an issue.