[Krystaowens]

Ok I will try to not ramble on forever, I am 25 years old, I am married and have three beautiful children. I have a very dark cloud over me at all times, it never goes away. I have been seeking help for a while now and I am currently waiting on an appointment with a new psychiatrist. 10 years ago I was raped by a stranger at a rodeo. I know it is a hard thing to relate to, but its my life and I have been dealing with PTSD for about 10 ½ years now. I am extremely afraid of every one I come into contact with that I do not know, and some that I do know. I am apprehensive of EVERYONES intentions. I can not pump my own gas at a busy gas station, I can not go into a store if there are a lot of people there. Especially men. My sex life with my husband is horrible, we have sex just because I know he needs it, but it is absolutely miserable for me. I hate even the thought of sex. I know he loves me and wont hurt me but everytime I have sex I can not help but have the thought of rape in the back of my head. It is ruining my marriage. Has anyone else had this problem? I am miserable and I really need some guidance. It is hard for me to talk to people without just having a break down, so I have been through several psychiatrists just because I felt like I couldn’t trust them. I really wish I could find someone with similar problems, someone who I could relate to and talk to..I am very afraid and even hitting send on this is very difficult. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

[Perna]

Oh, Krystaowens, I'm so sad reading about your horrible difficulties. Have you been in therapy at all, tried that route instead of just the psychiatrist/doctor? Have you tried any rape groups? I bet it would be helpful to talk to other rape victims. We have quite a few on these boards, I hope you get some help and relief.

[Open Eyes]

(((Krystaowens))),

It was very brave of you to open up about this challenge, you are not alone with this challenge either.

I agree with Perna in that you should see a "woman" therapist and not just keep seeing psychiatrists.

You clearly have not "taken your power back" in this challenge either, and you need to learn how to do that. Sex is mostly in the brain and what you are doing is that because you were "traumatized" with sex, your brain is trying to avoid any "reminder" of it. That is really the biggest challenge with PTSD, "avoidance" of any reminders of a "trauma".

However, your husband "loves you" and you deserve to "enjoy him" and know he is not a predator. This is something you need a therapist who specializes in this area to work with you on.

Opening up is a good step though, you really are "not alone" with this challenge, many women struggle in silence with it.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Krystaowens]

How do I go about finding a therapy group? Will they help me overcome
My fear? I am willing to try anything to get control of my life, I've considered hypnotherapy, electroconvulsive therapy I don't care.

Also something weird is all my memories from before the incident have almost all disappeared I don't remember much at all. Is that normal?

[Open Eyes]

I don't know where you live, in the US or not. But you can search the net in your area and see if there are support groups and therapists that specialize in PTSD and Rape.

You cannot just keep this locked inside yourself, you need to talk about how this has affected you, get validation, realize you are not alone, and finally work on the "healing".

You have children now, and they may remind you of how you struggle with your own vulnerabilities too. By reaching out for help, you will learn a lot and even become a stronger and better mother too.

So search the net for groups and T's in your area, there has to be something as thousands of women experience rape and it is a problem they need help with.

(((Hugs)))
OE