[Eevvee]

I have never really thought about why my emotions are always so out of wack but just assumed I was messed up because I was raped. After I told my family about the rapes (weeks after it occured) I felt very detached when I told the story. My mom cried and I feel like the only reason I cried was because she was. I don't think I cried because of the rape. I think I was still pushing it down.

The next half year I would watch something about rape on TV or I would hear someone else with his name and I would break down. I mean- I would collapse on the floor and felt like I couldn't breathe. My brother told me that I was over reacting and being ridiculous so I tried to start hiding my breakdowns as much as possible. So I've always figured that I over-react.

Sometimes this still happens to me. Not as bad, by far. It's been about 4 years now since then and I will randomly get servery depressed, and then within an hour I will be okay again. I don't even remember most of what happened. If I try really hard I can remember bits and pieces but whenever I start doing that I get really depressed and break down again. So I just ignore it all and pretend it didn't happen. I try to just go through my day with a smile on my face and hope that I don't hear his name.

Do I have PTSD? What can I do? I don't want to revisit the memories, I just want to forget.

[Open Eyes]

You seem to think and "your brother refused to validate" that you are not allowed to "grieve" this trauma.

It is not about having to remember all the details. It is being able to address all the ways it has affected you and having these "fears" and "emotional challenges" validated, comforted, and discussed. It is about "re-establishing your personal value" again with "support" from others and not about you "having to suppress how you feel".

When reminders of this "trauma" take place, it is normal to "react" and feel depressed or even cry, that is "fear" and even "guilt". You should not have to "hide" and feel bad about having these feelings either. You deserve to talk this over with a therapist too as much of what you are feeling is what others feel too and seem to think they have to "hide it" somehow.

[Eevvee]

Thank you! And maybe my brother's lack of validation is messing with how I view what has happened to me. I've always suspected that. I'm sure a therapist couldn't hurt.

[kirby777]

Originally Posted by Eevvee

I have never really thought about why my emotions are always so out of wack but just assumed I was messed up because I was raped. After I told my family about the rapes (weeks after it occured) I felt very detached when I told the story. My mom cried and I feel like the only reason I cried was because she was. I don't think I cried because of the rape. I think I was still pushing it down.

The next half year I would watch something about rape on TV or I would hear someone else with his name and I would break down. I mean- I would collapse on the floor and felt like I couldn't breathe. My brother told me that I was over reacting and being ridiculous so I tried to start hiding my breakdowns as much as possible. So I've always figured that I over-react.

Sometimes this still happens to me. Not as bad, by far. It's been about 4 years now since then and I will randomly get servery depressed, and then within an hour I will be okay again. I don't even remember most of what happened. If I try really hard I can remember bits and pieces but whenever I start doing that I get really depressed and break down again. So I just ignore it all and pretend it didn't happen. I try to just go through my day with a smile on my face and hope that I don't hear his name.

Do I have PTSD? What can I do? I don't want to revisit the memories, I just want to forget.

After I was raped, I did not tell anyone. I took the experience, placed it "away" in a closet and left it there....NOT HEALTHY, for me anyway. It came out years later...I started to get flashbacks of the person's face.

I am somewhat detached> I have an excellant memory, I cannot remember when it happened, not the rapists's name (I knew the rapist)~I remember his face, where it took place, the details.

I hope you get some help with this trauma/violation.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Eevvee

Thank you! And maybe my brother's lack of validation is messing with how I view what has happened to me. I've always suspected that. I'm sure a therapist couldn't hurt.

Yes, your brother is not being "fair" to you at all. He is showing a lack of "empathy" and overall ignorance of how "rape" affects women on many levels.
However, men don't know how to "fix" something like this and hearing it gets them very "frustrated' as men in general are "fixers" and are not as sophisticated emotionally as women are, their brains are actually different as their original design was geared more towards function and hunting and providing and women are more complex and needed to be able to read more emotion and need of the offspring. It is "normal" for men to get "frustrated" when women express emotional needs to begin with.

When "men" are victims they have a very hard time with the emotional aspect of being a victim as well as the fear, they often "hide" it more then women do too. They also have a much harder challenge with the "anger" that is present too and if they turn that anger inward they are even harder on themselves then women are.

Many women will "hide" their deep challenge from their husbands as there is a part of them that really feels their husband will just not understand it. It is easier to "pretend" with intimacy then prolonging it with a husband the may try to fix something that is felt he cannot "just fix". Often there are messages within a relationship that trigger those signals too. Your brother is a perfect example of that as he "doesn't want to hear it and lacks the ability to "validate".

Therapy where you can have all of this validated so you don't have to keep in "hiding" with it will help you find a slow emotional and psychological resolve and may even be something that can also guide your husband in ways you are not capable of doing yourself. However, that is something you need to learn about as you work on finally "getting validated and work on your "healing".

OE

[Big Mama]

Eevee, A good T can be helpful on so many levels. I waited 18 years to tell my husband. I have not told my parents what happened under there watchful care. No one other then the people here, my current T and my H knows about what happened. A T can help you ease the affects, give you coming skills, help you tell reality from past, and help you to see where you might be projecting what happened to you then onto what is happening now. If you can get a T I would highly recommend it. In the mean time keep talking to us here at PC and let us help you. Let us be a safe place to vent and share your thoughts.

I agree with the other posters,
A T would be very helpful to teach you how to get stronger from the experience and how to move on with your life without these feelings of guilt and shame.
Unfortunately, none of us can diagnose you here, though. But I would definitely recommend therapy. It does help.

I wish you the best!
Take care.

[Krystaowens]

Hi eevvee, I too experience the same problems you are having, triggers and such. Also family members not understanding and making rude comments because they don't know what we are going through. It's been ten years since it happened to me and I have yet found relief so, I'm sorry I don't have a success story to tell you. But I am on new medication which does help some with my triggers (Garth brooks, cowboys, the word rape and hearing about a rape on the news) it doesn't make the memories go away but it does help cope with them. I still have panic attacks but they aren't as severe as they used to be.

Hang in there hun, everyone says it will all get better, lets hope they are right.