Most of the time I'm fine but when I'm a mess I'm a mess

I'm in this post because I'm not really sure what else encompasses what's going on. But on the same time I feel bad since I attribute PTSD to major trauma like combat, rape, watching a horrific event.

My story is not so clear cut but I feel like there must be something going on. When I was in college, I suffered a severe bout of depression. I was in therapy, on drugs, and trying hard just to get through my classes and keep myself together. I told very few people about it (maybe 3 outside my therapist) and it was important to me to keep my outward persona of a strong, put together intelligent woman.

I relied heavily on my rowing coach for emotional support through this time and talked to her most of all. Though I never did tell her the following, but there were a number of times where I was on the brink of committing suicide but stopped myself because I couldn't imagine how terrible that would make her feel after being nearly the only one there for me.

A year went by and I started to recover and get back to my old self. As a result I relied less and less on her for support and went about my life trying extra hard to not be a burden on her since I had taken so much when I was struggling. Part of me thinks this change in my behavior helped to spur what happened next in our relationship. Literally without warning one day, she starts yelling at me in practice, humiliating me during team meetings, took me out of my earned place on the varsity squads, and based on what I know with conversations with others talked about me behind my back negatively to my friends and teammates.

For two years, she bullied me and would have private meetings with me where she would tell me that I was the most difficult person she'd ever coached and that I was one of the biggest reasons the team was doing so poorly (despite being the fastest and most experience person there). Because of what she was doing, friends stopped talking to me, I would have fights with my girlfriend over it who told me to just suck it up and on two different occasions was cut from the team and had to get the administration involved to get me back on.

On one occasion, she told myself and my girlfriend (who was also on the team) that we had lost the privilege of being considered individual people on the team.

I had nightmares weekly about her, anxiety before every practice and full on panic attacks the night before every race. I skipped classes because of the level of stress and ended up having to talk to HR etc to report her behavior. (she was later fired... not for these direct reasons but many others because this happened to a good many people. In fact she was unofficially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder)

I tried to get over it. I've tried to move on. In fact my mom who was there all along recently told me that "It's been two years. Don't you think it's time to get over it?"

I've had a number of people ask me about it and if I can't brush their questions aside, I have to fight a panic and bursting out into tears. My palms sweat and I can't hear sounds around me. Sometimes I can't even make my self remember some of the details. I though with time things will get better. And for the most part they have. I'm happy most of the time and have moods like normal people. But occasionally, when someone close to me says the wrong thing or uses the wrong tone (something that reminds me of the way I was treated) I jump all over it. I'm talking out of line anger accusing them of attacking my character, latching on to small things that they say, refusing to apologize without them doing it first. I forget what I am made about and am just in a rage.

And then something clicks and I'm not mad and I'm ashamed of how I acted and want to apologize but I have no excuse or reason to give them for how I acted without a long back story. I do end up apologizing for getting angry and I feel bad.

And I don't even know if the back story is relevant. Maybe I am over it and I'm just using it as an excuse to act how I want and not control my anger. Maybe something else is wrong with me. But I can get angry about something normal and react to it normally. But these are different. These episodes are rage against something else and I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm luckily not violent but I want to be.

I'm not an overly emotive person. I have very good control of myself. I'm well like, respected, happy. But not during these. I can't control anything. And in my personal relationships as well I'm afraid to be too open with people because I don't want them to know this side of me and I don't want them to know my flaws because I'm afraid they will exploit me with them. Throw them in my face. I refuse to ask for help and I'd like to think it's because of what happened to me. The person I asked for so much help when I desperately needed it turned it on me and then turned on me herself.

I'm ashamed that I'm not over this and that I haven't moved on and I'm tired of this rage that I feel at the wrong people. I'm tired of feeling anxious all the time that people close to me are out to get me or are one step away from turning on me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm coming apart. Part of me hopes that it is because of my past just so that there is a reason that isn't me that can be fixed. (But I would also be so ashamed that I could fix this already). But I'm also worried that it isn't and that I'm just crazy, or out of control, or a bad person.

I just want an answer.

That sounds rough. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time with this. Area you still in therapy? There's no set time limit on "getting over"things, especially if you have not yet dealt with them...

((ksrow)),

PTSD often presents this "rage/anger" pop up reaction. I have struggled with it myself and I know what you mean about how "it's different" and you "regret" it after it happens.

PTSD "can" happen after suffering "abuse" as you are describing too. This woman clearly had her "own issues" and turned on you when you didn't expect it. You were at a tender age too, and had no way of understanding "why" either, but ended up in a bad place because of her treatment. She actually turned into a bully and put you down in front of others, punished you when you were actually "doing better".

Being "bullied" can cause a person to develop PTSD too. You can even look it up online.

I am very "sorry" that happened to you. You really should find a therapist that you can work this out with.

I can't diagnose you, but I can validate how you are challenged and direct you to taking some time to research it online and encourage you to get "help" with this from someone who really "can" help you.

Another clue is that you get "triggered" and react whenever you face a "reminder" of the abuse you suffered too. Whenever we are "hurt" or experience something "bad", we are designed to become "more sensitive" and aware, it is really how we "survive".
So when we get "cues" that something is "wrong" somehow, we do get "fight/flight" response signals that have been formed deep in the subconscious mind. And a person can become "hyper aware". Working with a therapist will help you better manage these reminders and "learn from" what happened to you, instead of feeling you need to be "on guard" all the time.

(((Hugs)))
OE