[Stanley_19802]

Hello All,

Been posting a lot in the last few days trying to deal with this. I have PTSD due to abuse in psychiatric hospitals, the first time I was 10 years old. As of the 20th of November it's been 23 years since my PTSD started. What's strange for me is I have been through similar events 21 times now but it's the very first time it happened that is the most powerful. Although the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times come in at a VERY close second.

Why I feel weird is because every year when the dates come around (November 20th-27th) the nightmares and flashbacks intensify but also something else. Yesturday was a good example, during the day intense memories and flashbacks would replay what happened on that day all those years ago. As if watching a movie. Today is going to be just as hard.

Today, 23 years ago was Thanksgiving. I have been reliving what happened all those years ago all day. Each hour, reliving (in my head) what I was doing at that time all those years ago. Like watching a movie. But a movie where you feel the pain and emotions. Way past 3D. It's torture. Especially knowing what's going to come at 6pm today.

I spent that Thanksgiving told my family was coming to check me out for the day for Thanksgiving dinner. I spent all morning dressed and ready to go. Happy to leave that place. They never showed. 2pm they still hadn't showed. 5PM was Thanksgiving dinner on the unit. We were all walked to the special dining room used for special days. I ate there having given up on waiting for my family. Finally at 6pm my parents showed up to get me and were angry I had already eatten. Couldn't call me and tell me what time they were coming? Not that kids were allowed to use the phone anyway. The only phones on the unit were at the nursing station.

So my mom took me to my grandfathers house to eat. Nothing was said about my stay. Not "how are you doing?", "Are you feeling better?". Nothing. I was just basically ignored. I ate dinner and was allowed to go outside to play with friends in the area for a hour before being taken back to the hospital. I didn't feel much up to playing. I was depressed. I felt like no one cared what I was dealing with.

A hour later my parents put me back in the car and drove me back to Charter Oak Hospital, checked me in and left. I was walked over to the gym to rejoin the rest of the kids from the unit. But I was feeling very depressed. I was feeling like a rent-a-child. And dropped off like it was nothing. So when I got to the gym I wasn't feeling up to playing basketball with the other kids. I just sat down on the side line and watched them play.

A male staff member came over and asked me why I wasn't playing. I just said I wasn't feeling up to it right now. He told me if I didn't want to play, I could go back to the unit. I said alright, I would like to go back to the unit. I figured I would go back and lay in my room and maybe have a good cry. But that's not what happened.

I was walked back to the unit by the female staff member. She unlocked the unit door and I walked in and began walking toward my room. That's when she reached out and grabbed my left arm. About halfway between my elbow and shoulder. She didn't say anything, she just began pulling me to the left toward the two solitary ("Time Out") rooms.

She put me in the first room and then before closing the door she says "You will stay in here till the other kids come back from the gym". She closed the door, locked the deadbolt and then locked the 3 barrel locks at the top, bottom and middle of the door. As if the dead bolt wasn't enough to stop a kid.

Today would be the second out of 3 times I would be put in solitary during that stay. Not because I deserved it. The third time I was put in solitary would be day after tomarrow. Anyway, I was in the room about 45 minutes but because there was no clocks able to be seen by looking out the little window in the solitary room door, minutes felt like hours. More so with kids as time passes more slowly for kids. I was trying to sit and count the seconds and each time a minute passed put up one finger. However having ADHD, something would distract me and I would lose count. So it was hopeless.

So I am not looking forward to 5pm replays of what happened that day. I am so sick and tired of remembering painful times in my life. The reason I feel weird is because it's not just flashbacks and nightmares of being abused in the hospital. It's the very vivid memories. At 5pm I will have memories strictly about what happened at that moment 23 years ago. And at 7:15pm will be memories replaying the woman putting me in solitary for not wanting me to play basketball, that time 23 years ago.

I don't know if others with PTSD have this problem. I have not read anything about this. When the anniversery dates comes around, having memories to the minute replaying what was happeing to you at that particular minute back when the abuse first happened. It's like going through it all over again, just in my head.

For the last week building up to the 20th I have been self injuring, trying to keep a handle on the urges to take my life. It's totrure going through this. As of the 20th the urges have become near irrisitable. I know some would say it's time to go to the ER if the urges are so strong, but that only made things worse for me. I was at the ER on the 19th.

I talked to the nurse out front about not being able to go to the isolation rooms they have for psych patients because it would trigger intense flashbacks. He said fine. 10 minutes later security comes out and takes me to the room he said he wouldn't put me in. He lied. So in dealing with the now flashbacks being in the room I was self injuring. He wanted my hospital arm band that I was cutting with. When I wouldn't hand it over he came back with 6 guys who threatened to "jump on me" if I didn't give it up.

Then the woman who took my blood earler came back because she messed up and needed more. I wasn't happy about it. I told her to come back later, that I wasn't feeling good at the moment. She left. Then came back with the 6 guys again who said if I didn't let her take my blood they would hold me down and take it by force. Just threats, threats, threats. Screw how I was feeling.

So anyway, I am done with ER's. And won't bother with County Mental Health either. Every time I go to talk to them they end up calling a ambulance to take me to the ER to be held for a evaluation. Even though they had done one when I came over to Mental Health. They asked all those questions. Now I had to be held 9 1/2 hours just to ask the same questions again and just be sent home? Why not just tell me to go home and forget the 9 1/2 hours? Stupid they way the system works.

They don't seem to care I am suicidal and hurting. Didn't back in September either when I overdosed 6 times in 2 weeks. Just held me for 8 or 9 hours and then sent me back home. Brought in by ambulance a day or two later and after another 8 or 9 hours I am sent back home. If they don't care, why should I?

So for me, I have been in bed all day for the last 3 days. I have VERY little energy. Just enough energy to get up every 4-6 hours to change the diaper and get up twice a day to feed my cats and fish. And to get a little something to eat once or twice a day to keep my blood sugar up. Or in this case, to make a quick post. But as soon as I am done with those things, I am right back in bed. I just have no desire to get out of bed. I hate my life.

Well, that's all I feel up to writing right now. Thanks for listening all.

-Stanley

[Open Eyes]

(((Stanley))),

It is very common for people who struggle with PTSD to have challenging anniversaries. Actually, even people who don't have PTSD can struggle.

If you sit and think about it, as a society we "remember" anniversaries such as now, the anniversary of 50 years since Kennedy was shot/assassinated. We have 911 we remember which for some is a very painful day they will never forget.

I have my own challenge this time of year because of my stay in a psych ward that lasted nine days right through Thanksgiving and my family didn't visit me that day either, but they did celebrate their big thanksgiving gathering "without me". Instead I had to sit at a table of strangers and some of them frightened and confused me.
I felt so abandoned, punished really because I broke down in exhaustion trying to tend so many horses and ponies damaged by my neighbor's dog, animals that I spent years training, that I loved very much destroyed because my neighbor was just plain negligent and disrespectful. I didn't know what to do with all the emotions running through me along with the physical exhaustion from tending to them constantly, losing the battle to save one of them, my favorite. And I just ended up breaking down after too many months and too many long days with too many losses. What I really needed is to go somewhere that was "quiet and restful with a comforting presence to talk to and just to be able to have some real rest with no stimulation or physical and mental demands". Well, the place I went sure was not that way, it was so intrusive and not restful "at all", and it scared me and traumatized me even more.

I have to be honest, I had a very bad day today myself too. But I do know through experience that these "waves that hit me and disable me this way" do pass and I have to do my best to be patient and just let them pass, yes, I still struggle and often my body is very tired and sore as if I have been physically beaten up somehow. Yes, I hate it too.

I am sorry, you struggle with this, but I understand and I wish I could give you a physical hug and validate you the way you need to be validated.

We have learned a lot in the past 23 years though Stanley and there are things you experienced that are not allowed to take place anymore. There were things that people experienced in mental health facilities that were horrible, abusive and very wrong in the past, those places are also now empty and those patients removed and put into places where their care is much different.

Also, children who have ADHD are understood better now, not like 23 years ago where you may have been overactive and misunderstood. I know about this because my brother was constantly mistreated and it only made him worse, problem is, he often took it out on me so my entire childhood was one of living in constant fear and being afraid to "tell".

Sadly there have many children who struggled, were misunderstood and punished instead of treated and helped in the past. Thankfully, though it isn't perfect yet, many children are diagnosed and treated and there is more available to help them and their parents.

I raised a daughter who had dyslexia, she would get frustrated and throw tantrums.
I was lucky that Yale was studying dyslexia at the time and were able to diagnose her and guide me in how to understand her challenge and how to help her better. I did spend a lot of my time devoting my attention to her to make sure she had lots of help and it did make a huge difference, she is very smart and a strong adult now who works hard and is such a good person and constantly makes me so proud.

Stanley, just so you know, people "are" aware that the way you were treated was "wrong". I know you don't think that because your own injury is still there and you still struggle at times, but things "have" been changing as we learn more and more of the whys and how to address certain challenges. We are not perfect yet, don't have all the answers yet, but there is "more awareness and many who are working on how to address it better".

(((Tender Caring Hugs))))
OE

[Open Eyes]

I just wanted to add Stanley, that if you need to vent, it's ok because I believe you struggle and you will have times where you just need to let it out and "grieve", you are only human. I just wish you would not harm yourself though, because that isn't being fair to yourself.

Please post as much as you need, I am listening, I hear you and I believe you when you struggle and just need to let it out.

((Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Stanley, I can tell you that the way you experience the memories and flashbacks of the trauma is very typical for ptsd sufferers. I can "be there" in some of my worst moments, too, I know how it looked, smelled, felt, just like being there.

[Stanley_19802]

Hello,

Thanks Open Eyes and MotownJohnny for your posts. And sorry Open Eyes to hear your horses died. And that your family couldn't find a single hour out of their day to come visit you, or 10 minutes for a phone call that they didn't even have to leave the house to make.

And MotownJohnny, yes, exactly. The nightmares (and flashbacks too at times) can feel so real involving all the senses. Yesturday this very fact trigged my attempt to take my life yesturday. But I guess it STILL wasn't in my cards to leave this world. I took over 30 pills, but yet only got a little tired. That was it. I fell asleep. I woke up several hours later to my mom's boyfriend pinching my leg to make sure I wasn't passed out or in a coma. Freaking hurt!

At the time I was freaking out during a flashback. Replaying the events of what was Thanksgiving (November 23rd 1990) that year. In my mind from 6 I had spent the day in my head reliving what my day was like in the hospital all those years ago. Waking up being told my parents were going to check me out that day. I got dressed and waited all day. Finally at 5pm I stopped waiting and instead decided to go eat with the other psych patient kids. Halfway through my dinner at the unit I got a call my mom was finally there to get me. She was pissed off that I had already eatten.

I got to sit with my family and eat dinner, but no one said a thing about what I was dealing with. Not a word. Like everything was totally normal in my life. So after dinner I sat talking to a friend for a bit before I had to leave. I was only out of the hospital 2 hours before being brought back. I felt like a rent-a-kid. I was taken to the gym to rejoin the other kids.

Upset at being dropped off like I was, I was upset but was trying not to cry. I sat on the sideline while I watched the other kids play basketball. The male staff member came up and said if I didn't want to play basketball I could go back to the unit. I thought it was a good idea to go back to the unit. I figured I would wash my face and maybe lay down for a little cry before the kids finished in the gym.

So the female staff member walked me back to the unit. Once I got back to the unit I began walking down the hall toward my room when the nurse grabbed me by my arm, halfway between my elbow and shoulder. She kind of jerked me sideways pulling me toward the solitary room. She unlocked the door and pushed me inside. Before shutting the door she tells me "you can come out when the other kids come back from the gym" and then closes the door locking the deadbolt and the 3 barrel locks at the top, middle and bottom of the door.

At that moment, I was sitting in my recliner in my room. Suddenly I found myself both here now, but also 23 years in the past. I could see my room, but at the same time I could see the solitary room around me. Like two images layed on top of each other. I could feel the blue plastic covered hospital mattress I was sitting on, which sat on a wooden bed bolted to the floor in the middle of the room. Above me a skylight which was bearly lit by the soon to set sun. Around me were the peach colored pleather (fake leather) padded walls. In front of me the door with the tiny window near the top, also covered in padding accept for the window of course. I could feel the cool air on my skin. Smell the scent only a solitary room has. I freaked.

I opened the bottle of pills on my desk, said "**** you Charter Oak Hospital" and took them. I leaned back in my recliner and waited for them to work. I was hoping that the next time I opened my eyes, that I would be in Heaven. I just ended up sleeping for a few hours. That was it. I have no idea how I am still here when just one pill knocks me out. So go figure.

While it brings me some comfort that others have experienced PTSD flashbacks and nightmares like this, it also really sucks to know others experience it too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I just want the hurting to stop. Anyway, I am going to stop here for now. Thanks again for the replies. **hug**

-Stanley

[dml66]

I also have flashbacks and really bad anxiety this time of year up until Jan. This is the anv when something really traumatic happened, and again in Dec.right before Christmas.
It just happened again the person that caused the trauma to me came back and my life and did something really bad so now I am really struggling.
Your not different or weird it is common to have this around the anv of the event.
Wishing you some peace