[Patagonia]

Everything to me feels so terribly overwhelming!! Why? Is it from the PTSD? The major depression? Everything takes sooooo much energy I'm exhausted all the time. I can't be a mom like this! Not a good one.
My H emailed me a recipe to make yesterday bec I misplaced the original & just reading it got me overwhelmed. The house is constantly dirty, I do the bare minimum to get by, I'm always angry & just wanto curl up in my bed. But I swore I would never show my kids how bad depression would get by taking to my bed. That just causes major upheaval & my H get nasty for being so selfish.

Is this amount normal? It's so bad I just freeze up! What can I do? I can't stand all the yelling in my head to go DO something.

[TMWBE]

Heck, Just dealing with a family with 3 kids is overwhelming by itself. If you have Major Depression and PTSD on top I can see how you are feeling frazzled. If you are able to keep yourself from curling up in bed and hiding, I would say you are a very strong person. Maybe get some meds that help, if you havn't already. Try to make some Quiet time for yourself each day, if possible, to do something you like?

Sorry you are feeling so stressed, hope you find some peace soon.

[Patagonia]

Thanks Blueeyes
You must've read the other thread to know I have 3 kids. Yes they wear me down a lot but I wanto hide as much as possible from them.
Thank you for the post

[TMWBE]

I'm not sure where I got the 3 kids thing, that kinda confuses me. Did you post that you have three kids here on this site somewhere else? I'm new here on this site and I have a difficult time with my memory...
I have Major Depression and PTSD and have spent so much time trying to sleep my life away, but I had already lost my family (to Divorce) by then.
I don't know a lot about your situation but I hope you find your way. If your kids are young they require so much of your energy, You should replenish it by doing something for yourself in order to continue to have more to give. Kinda like recharging a battery, once it is depleted it will no longer light the flashlight. Peace to you, Patagonia!

[JaneC]

Patagonia I am sorry that you are struggling and send you a kind and supportive

I can empathise with the feeling of sheer exhaustion that you are feeling, I too feel this off and on.....more on than off right now. I believe it is because I am depressed again and I am constantly in a state of "high alert" looking for things that may hurt me beause of the c-ptsd. It is exhausting to have the body constantly feeling anxious and constantly beating myself up.....which sounds like what you are doing also?

I'm a single mum, and it is hard to give children all the attention they need, I can't always.....and I try to know that its ok if I am not always "the best" at doing soemthing that I should be. I hope you can be kind with yourself in this respect too..........your kids just want a happy mum, so do what you can do find your way back.

I hope that you can find some space to be kind to yourself, allow yourself some quiet time to rest and try(really try) to believe that it is ok to do it!

Kind thoughts and wishes coming your way .....

[Open Eyes]

When you have PTSD, yes, everything does feel overwhelming. And it is harder when others around you don't understand and make comments that only make it worse. It takes the person struggling a while to understand it and it is often "consuming" because of how it is much harder for the person struggling to "control the "intrusiveness of it". What other people do not understand about PTSD is that it is "intrusive" meaning that the person who is challenged with it isn't pretending or failing to "just" deal, instead they are constantly "intruded upon and confused and tired out" by trying to understand what is happening to them.

It is a lot like sitting at a computer that has picked up too many viruses and so it runs slow and if you ask it to do too much, it just crashes and you have to keep shutting it off and restarting it. Yet people around you do not see that and they expect you to just be able to take on the average load and run normally.

We don't really have enough technology to really see how the brain struggles when someone has PTSD, but we have made "some" progress. It would be so helpful if we could show others/and see for ourselves how our brains are "genuinely" struggling and how it takes time to "slowly resolve and heal".

I know exactly what you mean and feel when you get overwhelmed and really want to take a nap/shut down but others will not understand that and say you are being lazy or letting things get to you and you need to just push etc, so you keep pushing but that can bring on being snappy/grouchy/angry where you just lose patience which you later regret and of course others do not get that either and tend to say the wrong things that only make it worse.

I finally found a therapist after developing PTSD and struggling for 4 years getting worse and worse and I was desperate. My therapist has even said that he often wishes he had a video of the PTSD patients he has treated when they first start with him so they can "see how desperate" they were compared to later on when they have gained some ground and while they still struggle, they have more focus and are not so very desperate and emotionally challenged.

My therapist is always calm and he "listens" and I have also gotten the "validation and support" from him where I can just let whatever I am challenged with out with him whatever way it needs to come out without feeling I am doing something very wrong and should instead be holding it all inside and containing it somehow.

My last therapy session with my T was over the phone, I have been so overwhelmed lately that I get so I am in a lot of pain and I don't want to try to drive that 40 minute stressful journey just to get to him. I was at a point where I was just so overwhelmed that I needed to let it all out and I know that just totally exhausts me. After I have to do that I am so exhausted I just need to be able to have quiet and curl up in my bed and basically "pass out".

So, thankfully he understands and I can do a phone session from the comfort of my bed if I need it. This time I asked my husband to not be around because I really do not want him listening or to feel as though I can't just feel free to let out whatever needs to be let out.

So, I opened up and let out all my frustrations with my T and a lot of it has to do with where I am in my lawsuit and needing the veterinarian that I worked with so much to support me and say that all the injuries that were dealt with in my horses and ponies could happen from a dog chasing them to a point where they were in a panic. I know this is exactly what can happen because I lived it and I saw it happen. But the vet gives me the impression that he doesn't want to "get involved". I am terrified that he is going to "let me down" and I have been "let down" so many times in my life that has been so hard on me, that the result is "I am struggling with this terrible disorder that so many people do not understand and tend to be unsupportive and dismissive". I have been through a lot with this event and the aftermath that is too long to discuss in this post.

Well after I just discharged all my challenging emotions regarding this, and I was very emotional, after about half an hour my T asked me how I felt, and because I got to "vent and let it out" I was exhausted, but I did feel relieved. See, I don't get to do that anywhere but with my T who remains calm and just lets me "vent" and allows me to feel "it is ok to do that with him" he gets it. And that is part of what needs to happen to "free up the brain like we do with a computer to get rid of what is making it run so slow that others around us tend to "punish" us for and expect us to "hold it all in".

That is why you desire getting a way and finding a place where you can address this challenge. And I can tell your husband doesn't get it by his reaction that you are "just running away" instead of "dealing the way he deals".

I know you love your children, you don't want your house to go unattended to so it is clean etc, you want to have the energy to make the meals and be that capable wife and mother that others around you want you to do too. I have dealt with that myself. But that's because the people around us just do not understand how we genuinely struggle.

People who struggle with PTSD do not want to be the way they are. They tend to withdraw and self blame and that's not fair to them and they are constantly misunderstood by others and even themselves. It is very important that "if you can find help and a place where you can take time "away" that you do it" You do deserve to get what you need to "heal" and it is truly not your fault that you struggle either.

And you always can come here and vent and talk if you need it where there are others who do understand the challenge and know that it does take time, support, and patience to gain and heal with the challenge of PTSD.

((Hugs)))
OE

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Thanks Blueeyes
You must've read the other thread to know I have 3 kids. Yes they wear me down a lot but I wanto hide as much as possible from them.
Thank you for the post

Can they help,,with housework?

It's a struggle for me, with three, to motivate myself, after dealing with their little spats and messes, and basic needs and then if I'm having anxiety or going through depression, forget a'bout it...

Yes, hide the label. Do you have to hide,'mommy isn't feeling good' or 'mommy didn't get enough sleep and is exhausted'? I've got a wildcard, where depression is concerned, so my Ms isn't hidden, not that I have clearly any physical symptoms, but,depression and anxiety go with it.
Sure, hide, the medical labels, but it's ok, that 'mommy isn't feeling good today'. No shame in that. You'd rest a cold/flu, why not set a certain amount of needed down/quiet time, and get your husband and childrens help

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[Patagonia]

Thank you to everyone who responded, it has meant so much to me to know I'm not the crazy one.
There is a constant dialogue going on in my head & a lot of dark voices that speak up when I'm down. There's one voice that is the constant argument(er) & says I'm fine, why am I making this such a big deal, I'm over dramatizing my feelings, just get your @ss up & move & everything will go back to normal. That voice is very strong & guilts me into believing that I'm fine so I try to do everything I used to & I just fall apart. It's so sad to go thru bec I want my old life back again so badly. For some reason I thought PTSD was just a label, not something you actually worked on. Weird thinking. I know a great deal about depression but very little on PTSD.
I have 2 great T's I've been working w/ but we're going thru a terrible rupture right now & the little bit of trust I had w/ them is gone. It takes me a very long time to open up. I've be burned many times & really don't need to get hurt again, but right now I'm not sure I can continue w/ them bec I really don't feel like they care...@ all! There's always some excuse for why something didn't happen that was supposed to, or returning emails or important phone calls, any communication. I'm important to them when I sit in that office for 45 min & that's about it. Now they've let me down several times & I really have to protect myself from that hurt.
I'm dying to find someone I can open up to. A place I can go to relax, breath...& cry. I've noticed I can't cry for the past 4-5 months & that really bothers me. I hate to cry alone. Maybe that's why. I just haven't found that space yet. Everything is ....infected & can bring triggers, anger, annoyance, fear etc. I can't find my space!
I feel so rotten about my kids. Last night things got bad! Like 9 out of 10 bad & it was just my DD home. She wanted to play a game & I couldn't move. She was upset & really wanted just time w/me but this evil depression had me so wrapped into myself I was useless.
What does she see? & my other ones. My 3 yo will ask me if "I'm happy now." It takes all my energy to be "on" all the time for them it's killing me. I do get angry, grouchy & snap @ them. I can see the sadness in their eyes. God I just want this all to stop! For their sake of being normal!
I have no support system to speak of. My H is now not speaking to me & is thinking he might want a divorce. I don't blame him. He's had enough & can't do this anymore. I'm surprised he hung on this long. He deserves so much better...& my kids. I need a replacement.

So when I do get time I sit & dissociate to escape. I scream @ myself to do the smallest things that no one really even sees. I don't see things changing...& I don't think I can keep playing this game...& losing.

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[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It is a lot like sitting at a computer that has picked up too many viruses and so it runs slow and if you ask it to do too much, it just crashes and you have to keep shutting it off and restarting it. Yet people around you do not see that and they expect you to just be able to take on the average load and run normally.

This is such a good description of how it feels.=

[Open Eyes]

((Patagonia)),

You are not alone with everything you are describing right down the your husband's weariness and moodiness. I have to deal with that too, my entire family was angry with me and wanted me to "just" and it didn't matter how much I tried to explain it, they just kept coming back with their "just comments" that would only make me worse. It was not until I got so bad and confessed to my therapist that in spite of my verbalizing that I wanted to give up and be gone and was suicidal, my husband kept a loaded hand gun in the night stand next to our bed.

Well, I didn't tell my T for a while because I felt if it got so bad that I could not take it anymore, I wanted to know that out was there, how bad is that? My therapist immediately met with my husband so my husband would understand that my challenge was real and that he was making me worse by being so unsupportive.

It is important to understand that "family members" need to have a way to have support too. They really do not mean to be so unsupportive, but they really do not understand "how to help" and they do get frustrated and confused. And so far the responses you have shared that you husband has expressed have been expressed by my husband too, so these responses are "very common" and it isn't "just you or even your fault".

I understand how hopeless you feel right now, but you are not hopeless, you are just a person who needs help and time to heal from a very real challenge that is not your fault or something you created either. And these inner voices that keep telling you to get strong and you are over dramatizing? I have that myself, and that is very common with people who struggle with PTSD. Your conscious brain is confused about why you are experiencing these symptoms that you struggle to control. And it takes time for your conscious brain to slowly understand "the injuries that lie in the subconscious mind that you did not realize where there and have troubling emotions that go with them". This really takes time to sort through and process and resolve so you can slowly gain more "conscious control", each person is different depending on what they have to sort through.

I understand "very personally" how you are struggling, but you need to insist on reaching out for help and if that means finding a new therapist, so be it. There "are" good therapists out there that can help you sort all this confusion out too. So you have to commit to keep trying because you "can" do much better than you are now.

((Hugs)))
OE

[Patagonia]

Thanks OE
A lot rang true. Especially the part about suicide. I have always kept the stash of extra pills and that makes me feel stronger. Just knowing that they're there as a backup has always been reassurance for me. Friday night I got them all out spilled them all over the table. I just play with them. Knowing I had DD in the house of course made it impossible.
I want to get better. Seem to be fighting all the time with myself. I seem to be reaching for help, but I don't seem to be getting anybody to actually reach for me. That just makes me bitter, home, and very angry. That may be reaching out it's just the wrong plan.
Think my husband need to decide whether he wants to stay with me or not. If we could get over that hump and maybe things would move along.
December I've been I'll be working with PTSD for one year. But right now seems a lifetime

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Be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself ...

I can't even imagine going through this with kids to think about ... It's tough enough solo.

With that being said, just remember that until you take care of you, you cannot take care of anybody else.

Perhaps hubby can ease your load a little bit while you're struggling?

Wishing you the best, and just remember the brain is no different from a bone ... When it gets under too much stress it can break just the same.

Therefore it's imperative to get all the support, help & rest you need - and, it's okay to let the kids know that mommy isn't feeling well ... They don't have to know all the details but let them know you're working on getting better just as soon as you can ... I think they'll appreciate the honesty!

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Thanks OE
A lot rang true. Especially the part about suicide. I have always kept the stash of extra pills and that makes me feel stronger. Just knowing that they're there as a backup has always been reassurance for me. Friday night I got them all out spilled them all over the table. I just play with them. Knowing I had DD in the house of course made it impossible.
I want to get better. Seem to be fighting all the time with myself. I seem to be reaching for help, but I don't seem to be getting anybody to actually reach for me. That just makes me bitter, home, and very angry. That may be reaching out it's just the wrong plan.
Think my husband need to decide whether he wants to stay with me or not. If we could get over that hump and maybe things would move along.
December I've been I'll be working with PTSD for one year. But right now seems a lifetime

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Working on PTSD for a year is not very long. My guess is that it took time for you to develop the PTSD to have it challenge you this much, so it is going to take you time to slowly work through it.

I think what may be helpful for you is to read the book "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman. Judith talks about the three stages of trauma healing and it just is not something that can happen overnight.

I am so sorry, I know it's hard, I have been through so much myself and I have yet to change my mood from frustrated. All I can say is that you are going to have to find all your injuries and slowly work them out. For myself, sometimes I get triggered and I am not even sure what it means, I have to really think about it. I also know I cannot seem to handle too much all at once, I know this comes from dealing with too many injured horses all at once so my brain just doesn't like any reminders of that, it doesn't have to be about horses, it could just be too many things coming at me to think about all at once.

You can always just come here and vent away, that can help a lot too, just having others listen to you with an understanding of how certain things can trigger and it's amazing how "similar" triggers can be.

We are here listening, you are not alone, we are real people who understand the challenge.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[skeksi]

I also get very overwhelmed by things that wouldn't affect others. My tolerance for multitasking and things competing for my attention is quite low. I have a hard time taking care of basic things sometimes--a clean, uncluttered house, getting showered, paying my bills. These things are all major undertakings for me. I put on a great functional face at work but it overwhelms me a lot, too.

[Patagonia]

Ok by this afternoon when my 3 kids were talking to me @ the same time (or on top of ea other) it got me so flustered, overwhelmed & angry!
My H & I usually sit to plan the week out. Today I could do 2 days out, that's it.
I never know what I can handle! Yesterday he wanted to explain a programmable thermostat to me & it brought me to tears. He just doesn't get it, he got frustrated & I can't tell him what will set me off. Probably bec I can't tell what will set ME off.
I just know that when I start to get tense it effects my body & I get tunnel vision. Everything seems smaller & further away & then I burst. The only thing that seems to help from there is being along...silence & decompressing. I rarely have time for that. Best thing I can do is walk away & hope I'm not followed.
The bathroom isn't even a safe place...we only have one. Ugh!

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[A Red Panda]

Too many kids talking at you at once is definitely an overwhelming feeling - my students get the "Back to your seats because you are smothering me!" or "You're making me claustrophobic go back to your desk!" statements when they don't listen to the "Only one person can stand behind whoever I'm talking to" rule.