[JaneC]

This time of year is the hardest for me for many reasons due to my family. but right now the hardest part is sudden and horrid flashbacks from one of the worst big T traumas in my past.

I was raped(the second time) on a New Years Eve when I had just turned 18. I have never ever processed that. I locked it away deep in a dark room in my head and shut the door, locked and bolted shut. The first NYE after I had major flashbacks and panic attack and ended up in a pollice station completely distraught. I felt traumatised all over again.

Now, this year I for the first time ever opened that door a crack a couple of months ago in therapy......but quickly shoved it back shut as it was too overwhelming. I guess I forgot to put all the padlocks back on because now the memories and flashbacks are overwhelming, my body reactions and emotions are horrendous. I am struggling so much with this. I'm exhausted.

This week I realised there are many hours that I lost that night and it terrifies me and I wish I could shove all this back in the dark place it came from in my head.

I am trying to practice grounding techniques, trying to live in the present moment, concentrate on being mindful and trying to bring myself back to the present moment when the memories come up. but this is soo hard. Two nights ago I had the worst time with memories, couldn't sleep, found myself up wandering the house checking if there were people outside. Then I found myself in my boys' room, he was at his dads, and I was on his bed rocking and hugging one of his teddy bears. Once I settled a bit I just felt so stupid, not sure why, but stupid to be sitting in a room like a child hugging a teddy for dear life.

I hope this stops or at least slows down SOON!!!!

I think this is more of a rant and a getting it out thread, not sure what I expect or hope for by putting it here.....but any feedback or comments would be very welcome. I feel very alone and scared.

[JaneC]

I'm not sure if that will trigger anyone, but put the warning in case.....soo sorry in advance if it does

[Teacake]

Hi Jane, I dont know what to say except I'm hanging out online trying to muster the motivation to stretch out before bed. Im sorry its hitting you so hard when you are home alone. I used to drink coffee which only made it worse, but hot drinks seem to be soothing. Plain hot water might help.

[Teacake]

This might help Newsletter Article | Healing After Trauma | jinshindo.org

If says think of a time when you felt very confident and capable.

Ir also says the qi gong movement "punching with angry eyes" might help. It would certainly be distracting to look up whatever the heck that is. Sometimes the simple remedies work best. Like chicken soup or turmeric milk for a cold.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello JaneC-
I am so sorry that you are dealing with these overwhelming flashbacks from the horrendous trauma you endured. I too was raped at the age of seventeen and something can come along to trigger what happened and send me back to that time. I completely understand holding on to a stuffed animal as an attempt to feel some sense of security. I don't want to make things worse for you by going into any of my own details-I just want you to know that I truly empathize with you. I know how scary the flashbacks are but you're not alone. You can always message me if it helps at all. I wish you well.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)),

I have been challenged this way myself and "yes it is intrusive". My therapist has told me that I should try to do my best to just ride out these waves when they come forward and know that they "do" recede. He told me that is the time to remind myself "then, not now" and to look around me and realize I am safe and what came forward is just a memory and that it is finally time to work through and grieve and process.

Often what really "helps" to weaken these flashbacks is to finally talk about it, be validated for how that affected you and let go of "suppressing it" the way you had at the time for some reason.

I found that for myself, when I did have something traumatic happen, it seemed as though the constant message I got was either try to hide it or talk about it yet make sure I acted like I was able to "ignore it and move on".

Well, we are just not designed to "ignore a trauma like that", we are designed to talk about it and be validated and be allowed to express whatever the emotions are that take place when a "traumatic event" takes place in our lives. When you finally open up and are allowed to finally express the trapped emotions you have, you will gain a much needed relief and these flashbacks will greatly reduce in their strength that disable you like this.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Thanks for the supportive comments. I'm feeling a tiny bit better today, but am just exhausted from all the stress my mind and body is under.

Long weekend ahead........... hope you are all well.