[ihatedepechemode]

I went through all my anniversaries fine this year. Was able to shove any thoughts away on those days. No real flashbacks or dreams. I thought I had it beat. I was feeling so good. I even heard gun shots across the street 2 weeks ago as someone was murdered. I didnt jump like before and have flashbacks.

I was so wrong.

I was triggered tonight. It is repeat triggering from someone in close proximity so I cant easily avoid. He triggers memories and easily makes me aggressive and violent, which I've been able to suppress until now. I left the place we were at and went for a walk to get out of the situation and not do something. When I came back, I came into another room. I sat there numb, no real response.

Fast forward to 2am and I'm laying in bed overcome with a severe panic attack. I havent had those in a couple of years. I forgot how awful they are. It lasted 45 mins. Maybe now its over, but I cant sleep I'm so anxious. In the past hour, I thought so many things. First half was anger...at him, at me, frustration because of all the repeat trauma and now its happening again, times of not being able to breathe, shaking, thoughts of killing him, thoughts of killing myself (which I havent felt in 3 years), and how anyone could want to inflict so much pain on me as what I was experiencing when I didnt do anything.

Usually I feel little to no emotion but the past hour made up for it I guess. I'm still not ok because I am paranoid if 2 other people are teaming up with him and like in the past, I'm worried about my future. Is this the onset of something worse to come?

[Teacake]

Are you safe? Is he triggering you or threatening you? Do you know for sure?

If you are safe, let the shaking happen. Its good for you. Its how animals in the wild recover from fright. Relax, lie on your back,, knees bent, and let the shaking happen. Stay in the present. Tell yourself where you are. "i am on my bed, shaking off this stress. It should feel good. If it doesn't, stop. If you get too flashbacky, or sense some danger in the present, you can stop. You know how. Fifteen minutes of shivering it down can take off a lot of stress. Sometimes there is a mental shift of some sort, a sense of relief or relaxation or clarity, "thats not happening now" or "I'm ok".

If you are not safe, then of course you have to get safe. If this guy is the guy who causes you trauma before, you need to get to a safe place now.

[ihatedepechemode]

Originally Posted by Teacake

Are you safe? Is he triggering you or threatening you? Do you know for sure?

If you are safe, let the shaking happen. Its good for you. Its how animals in the wild recover from fright. Relax, lie on your back,, knees bent, and let the shaking happen. Stay in the present. Tell yourself where you are. "i am on my bed, shaking off this stress. It should feel good. If it doesn't, stop. If you get too flashbacky, or sense some danger in the present, you can stop. You know how. Fifteen minutes of shivering it down can take off a lot of stress. Sometimes there is a mental shift of some sort, a sense of relief or relaxation or clarity, "thats not happening now" or "I'm ok".

If you are not safe, then of course you have to get safe. If this guy is the guy who causes you trauma before, you need to get to a safe place now.

Havent talked to him or seen him since. I will have to eventually though. He hasnt caused trauma before...hes more of a trigger. And hes the type of person who doesnt care.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by ihatedepechemode

Havent talked to him or seen him since. I will have to eventually though. He hasnt caused trauma before...hes more of a trigger. And hes the type of person who doesnt care.

Im glad you posted again. I was hoping you were ok.

Triggering trauma is retraumatising. Stay away from him if he cant be calm. My family did that to me. Its like if I got triggery ptsd dad got triggery and it escalated into grappling in the house.

Then I lived with Mike. Mike knew I had ptsd. He triggered me on purpose, to control me. It was really bad of him, but he feared "abandonment" and kept doing and saying tbings he knew scared me so i would freeze and be unable to leave him. If knew then what I know now I would have gone to a shelter or anywhere to get away from him, the first time he scared me, no matter how pathetic he seemed. Life is so hard to learn.

[ihatedepechemode]

ways...

Originally Posted by Teacake

Im glad you posted again. I was hoping you were ok.

Triggering trauma is retraumatising. Stay away from him if he cant be calm. My family did that to me. Its like if I got triggery ptsd dad got triggery and it escalated into grappling in the house.

Then I lived with Mike. Mike knew I had ptsd. He triggered me on purpose, to control me. It was really bad of him, but he feared "abandonment" and kept doing and saying tbings he knew scared me so i would freeze and be unable to leave him. If knew then what I know now I would have gone to a shelter or anywhere to get away from him, the first time he scared me, no matter how pathetic he seemed. Life is so hard to learn.

Cant avoid him entirely as he is one of my roommates. This morning, for example, he dug into me....he literally is so damn bitter but why does he choose only me to pick on? I was going out the door to work..unlike him. I havent said anyone this but I suspect he's npd. I'm also npd but not as bad as him:-) I dont attack endlessly for survival like he does. In fact, I rarely attack...anyways...

While he doesnt know about my past (only below 1%), he somehow knew what to say to me the other day to throw me into a flashback. He knew I was pissed by my silent treatment, but he continued to dig into me. Other roommate, when I went outside to cool off, before I killed him like I wanted to, told him that I always feel hes attacking me. Supposedly he said he notices it but just cant stop himself.

That fun huh?

You get off on emotional sadism huh?

You sick twisted mother****er. I wish he would die in a bike accident cuz I dont feel like going to jail for his worthless ***.

Anyways I dread going home. I'm already out past my bedtime but I know hes waiting for me:/

[Teacake]

Well, PTSD provides a lot of bang for his buck. He feels hostile and wants to make someone else uncomfortable and he can freak you out. Narcissists dont have to be hurtful or bad. I've known very kind and noble people who have some sort of narcissistic disorder. Its possible to get around the symptoms and be harmless and good. Non-narcissists can be self absorbed and self preserving and get off on making others unhappy. This guy is choosing to be hurtful. He gets something out of it. He could check it if he wanted to.

If he thought he might have to move out, or pay your share of the rent if you move out, he might act better.

Don't believe his "i just cant help it". He may feel a strong predatory desire to trigger you but he can control it. If he chooses not to, one of you should move out. This inconveniences everyone. He and third roommate have incentive to be nice. It should work out.

If hes truly so damaged he cant control himself, move. You cant live like that with ptsd.