[MotownJohnny]

Hi, I've been inspired by the lovely and brilliant Jane to start my own ongoing thread. Seems like a neat idea, keeps thing tidy in one place.

Just an FYI, so everyone else on the planet has a clue about my thread title -- Woodward Avenue is a very famous street here -- it starts in Downtown Detroit literally at Jefferson Avenue, which borders the Detroit River. Between the river and Jefferson Avenue sits Hart Plaza, which is a large public space used for festivals, concerts, etc. Because it's a big open expanse, it has a breathtaking view of the Detroit River and Windsor, Ontario, Canada across the river. The Ambassador Bridge international border crossing is just off to the south, and freighters go up and down the river all of the time hauling cargo. Pretty neat place. The Renaissance Center, Detroit's tallest building with a central tower of 70 stories surrounded by four 40 story towers sits to the north of Hart Plaza, and is the world headquarters of General Motors Company. Woodward Avenue starts at Jefferson and goes northwest approximately 30 miles to the suburban city of Pontiac, Michigan. The entire economy here is based on the automotive industry, we are still the world headquarters of auto design and manufacture. Every summer, the third week in August, we have the Woodward Dream Cruise, which is a week long festival celebrating all things automotive. People bring every possibly make, model, and year of car from all over the world to participate, most people "cruise Woodward" all week, it's one big open air 30 mile long party. This year, on the main day of Saturday, over 2 million people participated. It's a big deal here. And I live and work just a few miles off of Woodward Avenue in one of the communities it goes through. Finally, Woodward Avenue's other claim to fame, it was the first concrete paved road in the United States, in 1909.

OK, enough of the history lesson, back to our regularly scheduled programming, my life with PTSD.

[JaneC]

Thanks....as soon as I read the title I was asking what is Woodward Avenue? Have you ever driven down Woodward yourself at the same time as all the others?

Now correct me if I am wrong, but isn't Mowtown also home to some pretty fantastic musicians?

Look forward to reading your thoughts and journey too Johnny.

[MotownJohnny]

So, today was a rough day for several reasons. I got very little sleep the night before, wound up and tense. Tonight isn't so great, either, it's the middle of the night here and I had a little sleep until about midnight, now can't sleep. I'm going to post this, then go out for a nice ride, see if I can get in a good 25 or 30 miles before I have to come home and try to finish up my fall yard cleanup. Nice weather here, warm and sunny, well above normal temperatures, more like May or June than October, but the leaves are turning bright colors, and it could turn cold, even snow, at any time.

So, the big thing bothering me ... this is truly reprehensible. I post regularly on another forum. It is a political forum, before all of this PTSD thing started, I was pretty politically active, had volunteered on some national and local campaigns, that sort of thing. But, it has a lot of different sub-forums. Including a social forum and a Mental Health support forum.

So, as I do here, I post a lot there, and I say a lot. It's my nature, I am who I am, I need to get this stuff out. My posts on that forum were a real-time journey through what happened to me in the past year. It wasn't often pretty, but I was very open, as I am here. Quite a small group posting in the MH forum, I'd say only about 12-15 regulars, so it became close knit and good support. It felt like home, like PC does now to me.

Well, yesterday, there was an alarm post in the main forum. It seems that one of the members who posts regularly in the MH forum discovered that there is a political site from the "other side" of the political spectrum which maintains a forum specifically to mock, deride, and ridicule members of this forum I'm on and the politics, etc. of the members. Well, the other thing is, they don't just stop there -- this poor woman posts a lot, too, and gives a lot of detail. One thing she posted about was applying for a job, and she gave the name of the organization, it was a MH nonprofit. These vile thugs were able to figure out her real name, and the called the potential employer and slandered her. Along with posting really vile stuff, calling her a *****, etc., on their site.

So, come to find out, not a big surprise, I'm a favorite target. Again, they said some really vile stuff about me, not surprised. A good example, in one post I spoke about dealing with clients, the person who quoted me said that I must be a gay male prostitute. And, they loved the fact that I admitted I had attempted suicide, it brought howls of laughter from them. These are truly sick people -- along with picking on those with mental illness, they are racists and bigots, they hate African Americans, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, the poor, women, well, pretty much everybody who isn't a white male ultra extremist from the rural United States.

Well, you know, the thing is, this doesn't bother me as much as it would have even a few months ago. Because I know there is stigma, hatred, and bigotry. And because I am getting stronger, physically and emotionally. What bothers me more is that we have some pretty fragile members of the MH support group over there, in particular one guy, a college kid, who was doing really well all summer, then got back to school and had a breakdown, dropped out, and is pretty much suicidal. I told him not to post anymore, and told him why, but I didn't tell him directly about the site, and I lied and said it looked like they had NOT made him a target. They had, in a savage way, but I'm worried about the kid, nice guy, but serious self-esteem issues, this would really destroy him.

So, the other interesting thing in my day -- Death Threat Guy. He's the man who brought about my big breakdown a year ago early August, by threatening to shoot me. Well, he gets off Scott free, I end up in a psych program. And, he's still in my life, his drug addict girlfriend is a trust beneficiary, my boss is attorney for the now-deceased Grantor and under pre-arrangement oversees the administration by the corporate trustee, a major bank. Well, I get to do all of the dirty work of dealing with these people. Death Threat Guy is a drug addict, and his hobby is ... making death threats. They are being evicted for the 4th time in 3 years, because he has threatened the neighbors, plays loud music at all hours, and smokes so much marijuana in their apartment that neighbors complained about the smell. And, I get to find them a new place to live, which won't be easy since they keep getting evicted.

Now, you know, one big problem of mine, I tell myself that I am the scum of the earth, my standard line, I am lower than a rapist, murderer, or pedophile, and the best I deserve is to be taken out, made to kneel, and shot through the back of the head. I torture myself with this, and I don't know why.

So, yesterday, I'm at work, around lunch time. I work in a really nice office complex, copper colored glass towers, upscale inside, wood, chrome, tile, carpet, nice lighting, an atrium, several restaurants, a deli cafeteria, a convenience store, a pharmacy, a row of shops and a bank, an enormous complex with thousands of people working in it every day, plants and flowers in planters along side benches all through the halls, glassed in stairwells, etc. Nice, nice place to work. And, the office I work in is very nice, pretty view of a greenstrip of trees, grass, and flower gardens, beyond that is a parking area, we have a lot of wildlife wander through, squirrels, geese, birds, etc. Across the highway, a major shopping mall, very upscale, Nieman Marcus, Nordstrom, Macy's, Sax Fifth Avenue, tons of other stores.

My office is nice, wood furniture, nice lighting, a couple of large original oil paintings on the walls. And, I have this cool planter area on top of a legal filing cabinet, with spotlights. I have three orchid plants in there in bloom, plus pothos. Something nice to look at, the cymbidium orchids I bought the other day, really gorgeous. And, I wore one of my nicest suits yesterday, a favorite designer, Joseph Abboud, because I had to see my cardiologist before work, and I like to dress to impress, along with a nice Geoffrey Beene shirt and a favorite Jerry Garcia tie. And my trademark Wolverine hiking boots -- my little quirk. And, I always wear CK One cologne. I look pretty sharp now, my physique is really getting nice from all of the workouts. Not a bad looking guy for my age and everything I've gone through. I even keep getting noticed by the ladies, I'll take it.

So, I'm sitting there, and thinking. Great life, great job, great everything. Except in my mind. I have lowlifes mocking me on line because I have PTSD. I have lowlifes in real life, druggies, that I have to deal with despite what they caused me to do last year. And, I think, whoa, buddy, I"M THE SCUM OF THE EARTH? I don't think so! Reign that one in, I'm a pretty damned terrific man if the truth be told. And, I'm sick and tired of being ****ed with in life. I've been beaten up and knocked down too many times. Well, that stops, now. Sure, I'll have up days and down days, but I know I can make it. Just gotta fight until I have no fight left, then fight some more. It's the only way.

[MotownJohnny]

Duplicate post due to server/computer hiccup. Deleted.

[MotownJohnny]

Jane, I drive down Woodward every day to and from work. Even during the Dream Cruise week, just not on that main Saturday -- I've gone to watch, but I walk or ride my bike, it's pretty packed with 2 million people along 30 miles of road.

Music, we have the legacy, but Motown Records and the industry it spawned relocated to Los Angeles, CA about 30 years ago.

[JaneC]

Pretty emphatic with the double post there! I applaud the way you ended your post, I think it is fantastic to have that perspective on yourself and your life right now........I am happy for you.

As for those horrid sounding people on another forum.....do you not have a law in the states that prohibits that sort of online cyber bullying? we do here and there are harsh penalties. Sounds to me like it needs to be shut down.....nevermind your 5th(is that the right one?) ammendment rights to freedom of speech, all that goes out the window surely when peoples lives are being destroyed! Appauling, I feel for that poor women, and I hope you do not give too much detail so you could be a target like her also.

[MotownJohnny]

I have been checking into that. It's a possibility. I sent her several PM's over the forum and told her she should file a complaint with the cybercrimes unit of our FBI. Whether or not she does I can't say, probably not. Even if so, it's probably going to go nowhere, and it's impossible to prove harassing phone calls without extreme amount of work by investigators.

It's a weird situation to be in, I never would have imagined such a thing in a thousand years. It's juvenile, to say the least, so I feel embarrassed ... but again, that is me turning it towards myself. Until 36 hours ago, I had never heard of these people, no clue they existed. Now, it's like, another surreal thing in this whole ordeal. But it doesn't bother me that much personally as it does for some of the other members of the group, as I said, especially the one kid.

I would like to try to do something about it, I have a few ideas, but ... it's not really the kind of battle I need to engage in now, I need to just worry about myself.

[neeshi]

I always think of Woodward Ave. as starting in the suburbs and ending in downtown Detroit. The only bad thing about the Dream Cruise is that all the hotels anywhere in the Detroit area or suburbs raise their prices whether you are attending or not!

Earlier today before I read your post I saw the photos online of the abandoned Mark Twain extension of the Detroit Public Library, which was a very sad story. When trying to figure out where this library was located (on Iroquois), I noticed how Woodward ends in that hub and spoke design. I got caught up in that once and had no idea what was going on. Luckily it was on a Sunday morning so didn't have to worry about traffic.

Is Vernors still located on Woodward? Probably long gone. I'm editing here: I just looked it up on Wikipedia and the Vernors factory was demolished in 1985 to become a parking lot for Wayne State. OK, I guess it was a long time ago that we drove past! Seems like yesterday.

Do you go to the DIA often? You should go before they are forced to sell off their collection. Ughh...

[unaluna]

I think vernors is still there. The pop still exists, doesnt it? Last I heard it was an upscale kinda restaurant.

[MotownJohnny]

The universe does hate me. I tried to do a good deed ... Took an elderly neighbor next street over some pears and apples from my trees. And...I backed into some young kid's car parked on the street, made a 4" by 1" dent in his wheel well area over the rear wheel. So, now I have a repair bill to pay. Kid was nice about it, it was a fairly old car anyway but in good shape. I asked him if he wanted to file a police report he said no, so I told him to find a garage and I would pay the bill. Hope it's not too expensive, any body work is expensive.

[JaneC]

Naaw sorry to hear about your ding. Hope you not feeling too bad about it.

On the other hand.....apple & pear trees in your back yard? Awesome!! and you shared them, nice.

[MotownJohnny]

I feel bad about everything. It's the nature of the beast, I guess. Good old PTSD.

[JaneC]

Johnny.....yep ptsd is a heck of a thing.

I have spent 2 days jumping at my hair out the corner of my eye, or a mark on my desk(that i know is there but still forget), or somehting moving in my peripheral vision......blah.

We will get there...we all will. The more skills we learn to deal wiht it, and help from our T's....we will get there.

[HealingNSuffering]

Okay as long as you drive I hate the traffic on Woodward it makes me

[MotownJohnny]

And today, I am down in the dumps over this stupid business of being ridiculed by a bunch of losers I never heard of until a few days ago. I still fail to understand what type of a person would do that.

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown))

I am so sorry about the way people have treated you and others on that other site.

Political discussions are tough, people can get really "mean" and "hate you if you don't agree with them and call you crazy and all kinds of names".

I think that it's good that these people don't get to you as much. However, you are sensitive for "others" and I can see how that "does" bother you. It bothers me too, and I know if the conversation goes "one way too much" in the political arena? Then some people feel "unsafe" in that forum/site.

You can tell this young man about PC and maybe suggest he distance from that other site. There are many nice people on this site and it is monitored to try to keep things from getting out of hand.

I have actually learned a lot about myself by pushing myself to give my views. I tend to post things about how I feel and why I feel that way and later I think about why I feel the way I do and what that has to do with my past.

If this other site is full of so many "mean" people, then my recommendation to you is to not expose yourself to it. People who are anonymous can take advantage and be "mean" to others just for some kind of "sense of sick power".

OE

[Greg57]

People who are anonymous can take advantage and be "mean" to others just for some kind of "sense of sick power".

This is so true...hard to believe it sometimes...especially when people are supposed to be there for one another.

[MotownJohnny]

I believe there are two kinds of people, those who think they can only win when everyone else loses, and those who think they can only win when everyone else wins. I believe that the line is clearly drawn. I know exactly which side of that line I stand on.

[winter4me]

You still did a good deed.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

I believe there are two kinds of people, those who think they can only win when everyone else loses, and those who think they can only win when everyone else wins. I believe that the line is clearly drawn. I know exactly which side of that line I stand on.

I have always felt that if someone is "honest and has good intentions" they are a winner. When I taught my focus was on "not worrying about what others were doing, but to focus on self and keep trying as skills will come with "time" and patience.

I try to follow that same school of thought with the PTSD too. As you know it is quite a challenge some days.

[JaneC]

Right is always on the side of those that are kind and honest Johnny. You are on the side of right........ this saying I think is appropriate, "What other people think of you is none of your business". In saying that I understand your hurt and your thoughts for your friends' hurt.

Keep picking pears and being kind to others ok.

[MotownJohnny]

I guess I haven't updated this thread. Saturday was a kind of blah day, I got a fair bit done around the house, but I was very tired, dragging. Today was a little better.

Mentally, though, I keep thinking why me? Why did any if this happen to me? And, of course, that is the thing I have to fight, because "why me" rapidly becomes "I deserve it because ...."

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown)),

I know it is a challenge to get out of the "why me" when it comes to PTSD. I also understand how that can begin to spiral to a sense of unworthiness too. I have that challenge take place a lot myself. If I am triggered by another person somehow and I react wrong, I begin to also be hard on myself, but I have gotten to a point where even though I struggle, after it passes I also learn something on a more conscious level and begin to feel better again from that.

You are doing really well, and when these lows come, you have to keep being patient and remember "they do pass" and you will learn something and it will bring that new sense of relief again.

I ask the "why me" a lot too, and even get angry because of how hard PTSD can be sometimes, sometimes very frustrating and tiring and I am not always "quite myself" but I finally just said, oh well, I am on this path and I am just going to keep learning and gaining.

Hey you are doing really well, keep working at it, you will keep gaining.

((Gentle Hugs))
OE

[Greg57]

Why me is a big question, that comes up a lot with ptsd. It can shake you to your core and bring you down in minutes if you let it. The thing is to try to put the puzzle pieces together both before, during and after an episode. If you can do that, your doing well.

[MotownJohnny]

Thanks, everyone. Today I'm back down in the dumps. Which isn't good - back to wishing I were dead. OTOH, I'm thinking about joining the running club at my gym, they do group runs of various lengths. There is a 5k at Comerica Park in downtown Detroit New Years Day, my one PT said he would so it with me. It would be my first "real" running event.

So, it's not like I am going to go off myself, I have neither the desire nor the intent. I can recognize the depression and suicidal thoughts for what they are, PTSD symptoms. That in itself is good, it takes some of the power away from the symptoms.