[Cotton ball]

For awhile I thought I was doing better however I now see I was simply "avoiding" my emotions and the reality of my situation. All in all I thought it was working. The nightmares stopped, anxiety lessened (most likely because I started popping benzos like candy)
I had finally gotten a job and had become quite the workaholic only to come home exhausted to try and play "perfect" mom. Making my silly to do lists and keeping myself constantly busy. Trying to save money and figure out how to make more so I can move on to the next step of rebuilding my life.
I'm just absolutely exhausted and for the first time in 6-7 months am feeling a deep sadness I'm trying to get over.
Last night I was triggered so badly I basically cut ties with some people I used to know. I'm not upset at cutting the ties however I'm embarrassed at how I did it. It was just simply so irrational I can't imagine it making sense to anyone...now I feel I just fueled up ammo to the "crazy cotton" gossip. I truthfully feel bad and I'm also beating myself up because although I know these people don't care about me or are my real friends I feel my words were cruel...and that hurts me. I guess I just snapped and was tired of all the nonsence. Yep, I acted like a nut. There was just so much pent up anger I snapped. Fortunately it was just over a few texts...glad I wasn't out in public.
I could feel the triggers mounting over the last 2 months but I chose to ignore them...and all of a sudden BAMN!!
I'm starting to do some strange stuff and not really coping in a mature manner. I need to start working or paying closer attention to myself as opposed to stressing about silly things. I just want to move because as long as I'm moving, staying busy, I'm not thinking or feeling.
I don't know...I'm off work this week for the company vacation and all this time on my hands is really bringing me down. I'm trying so hard to spend "quality" time with my little one but this sadness is making it so hard. I'm trying to put on the smile for him and play but its just so hard.
I'm really alone and sad. I guess I didn't realize how lonely I was until recently.
I need to make changes...I just don't know how.
I'm not doing something right and I can't understand what or why because I'm trying so damn hard
I'de try the F-it approach but that one doesn't work well for me. I just don't know what in Gods name is wrong.

[Open Eyes]

(((Cottonball))),

It sounds like you actually have been doing better and making progress. However, we just got through the holidays and the holidays are notorious for bringing forward some unwanted challenges. Often anxiety levels can increase yet a not knowing why can take place too.

It sounds like you experienced a bad trigger and acted out faster then you had a chance to think it through. Unfortunately, with PTSD that can happen, I have had it happen myself, I used to be really bad with it, almost like there was a completely different person inside me that I could not control. Yes, the anger can be justified, but how we reacted is not something we would normally do, so regret is inevitable. However, you need to remember that you were abused and that hurt you and now when someone does something that triggers that "hurt", you may react defensively, even taking yourself by surprise, it's a kind of startle response, I have it too.

You must not allow this to convince you however, that you have not made progress in your healing though. You need to let this all settle, if you can figure out "why" this trigger happened and what it is related to that would be helpful. Sometimes, as I mentioned, we just don't know right away "why" we were triggered, where that trigger comes from, so when we "can" identify that, it can make it "weaker". Sometimes a trigger can last for days in a way, bringing on a depressive episode, so it is important to get rest and self sooth until it eases up, and it will ease up gradually. Keeping yourself busy doesn't mean you are "running away" either, it's actually "healthy" to keep busy, make goals, and look forward. However, you "can" be triggered and experience a cycle like this, but it doesn't mean you are "fooling yourself" though.

Use the next few days to "self care" and do your best not to feed into the cycle. Are you seeing a T right now?

OE

[Cotton ball]

(((Hi Open))),
It's been awhile since I've been around. Thank you for responding.
Nope not seeing a T now and haven't since T #3 didn't work out this time last year. Tried to see a P-doc but there was a 4 month wait time so I just said forget it. Last year was good in many ways and rough in others. I just kind of shut down emotionally. Started taking Xanax for the anxiety and moving keeping myself busy. It hasn't been hard to stay busy with the job and the little one.
I'm really going to start looking for a good T again once I can get insurance issues resolved...another on the never ending to do list. I've been living by the mantra "less is more", as in don't talk to much," if anyone ever asks life is good, no complaints" and "keep on a happy face". I actually have this on my phone to remind myself. Perhaphs the pressure of the bs and denial as well as any real communication has taken it's toll. I don't know.
I work in a small company and the person I work with now is a chronic alcoholic (comes into the office with booze and leaves the office messed up-EVERYDAY when she does come in-3 days a week is allot) so in typical cotton fashion I spend my time working and coving her ***... to avoid conflicts. I've just never seen anything like it before and the endless lies and nonsense she pulls it unbelievable.
I saw the "ex" 3 times in the last 2 months by accident, once on the street and twice in the grocery store...and I had finally started to feel safe again, working, answering my phone again to unknown numbers, ect. I guess that was a MAJOR one.
And yes, the holidays were kind of rough. I felt very alone and sad. I did "make" it happy for my son but there was a deep void within me mostly feeling sad for my son because I really wish I could offer him a true happy family with a mom and dad.
As to why I snapped on this "old quazi friend" well I knew she was full of ****, had NEVER helped or been there for me and was only fishing for info on me. Well lost the "happy face" at that point. It was still very irrational and did pop out of the blue. I guess when her bf called me a few days before having a nervous breakdown because she's lying and has been sleeping around on him for 3 years it just made me snap. He is certainly no saint either but enough was enough! I just told her they were all a bunch of sellfish alcoholics, and to grow up. Ohh well I'm sure why I sit here feeling guilty all of them are sitting around this Friday night together getting drunk talking about good old crazy cotton. So be it! I'm to old for this and have been through quite enough. I don't need that crap to boot.
I do feel a deep sense of depression right now and allot of strange feelings of guilt and shame. I'm not getting that one...
Sigh... I just don't know Open. I thought I could just make all this crap go away and its still there lurking it's ugly head.
I'm becoming a little forgetful again and actually found myself seeing someone in the distance today a block away that looked like my ex so I actually made my son and I cross the street to avoid him. Not normal...I thought I had gotten past this. I mean at least to some degree.
I guess yes I have made some steps forward however with every 3 steps there is 1 sometimes 2 pulling me back.
I think I'm doing allot better than I was before but I'm very far from where I want or think I should be at.
To top it off I'm going to have to taper off these pills in a way that doesn't kill me or really make me freak out. All in good time I guess...
Truthfully I just don't know. I just feel sad and ashamed and I wish to God I could figure out where the shame is coming from.

[Open Eyes]

Shame is one of the symptoms of PTSD Cottonball, I struggle with it from time to time myself. I used to utter, and sometimes still do when I have a bad day, "I am sorry" a lot. We seem to have this "ideal" of what a good/normal life should be like and if we don't see ourselves in that kind of life, it's easy to feel that shame as though we are somehow not worthy or messed up. Most Narcissists for example make it a point to "present that perfect picture" and groom their public image, but their reality is much less then perfect, but that doesn't mean they are "actually happy and fulfilled".

As far as these so called friends, by the way you describe them, they are not the kind of people that have the capacity to care about others. I think you are better off to distance from them anyway. Don't waste your brain power on thinking about how they will label you either, people like that do that all the time, they need to find anyone they can criticize so they can "think" they are better than somehow.

As for the woman who drinks her way through work, well, an alcoholic that bad "is" unpredictable and she is only going to get worse. People like that have a patsy list you know, they figure out who they can get to cover for them or bail them out somehow. They have no true loyalty to anything but the alcohol. Is there anyone higher up that you can go and talk to about this challenge? You certainly do not deserve to be a victim to yet another "sick/demented" individual.

Cottonball, I think you are at the core a "nice person" , however, you have been exposed to too many toxic people , people who have disorders/diseases/addictions and your skills right now are simply surviving with toxic people that end up abusing you in some way. You got away from a person that abused you, but it hurt you and you are not sure how to do your life with "healthy" people, or to put yourself in situations where you are around healthier people. Also, because you are now so "sensitive" you are picking up on the insecurities of others more and you are absorbing it too much, and you are probably relying on the Xanax to combat that anxiety building up so you can see or be around toxic people and still get through your day. Any person who is exposed to constant toxic people/environment can develop an anxiety challenge. People, lots of people develop their own ways to "self protect", and most people practice dissociating without really realizing it. Actually, what a lot of healthier people do is they develop their own kind of CBT/DBT system where they maintain a conscious/subconscious decision that their style of interacting is "right" and that is the "just" that many people operate under. However, any one can have that disrupted if they experience "trauma".

The fact that you have kept busy and entertained "goals" for yourself is actually "healthy" Cottonball. However, the problem you are having is that you are still dealing with people within your busy life that are "toxic" to you. Working with someone that is a heavy alcoholic as you are describing is absolutely not "healthy" for you. Yes, that's enough to give "anyone" anxiety. You are falling into trying to maintain yourself under yet another toxic person, so you need to work on "changing" that. The shame is coming from your not really knowing how to do that, your normal is to "take it" until things get so bad you need to run/escape somehow.

((( Cottonball))), PTSD is not always an enemy you know. People who have it have a new alarm system that sends out warnings when they are reminded of something/someone/behavior patterns that could hurt them. It is actually designed to draw you in so you finally take steps to "learn about these dangers better". If someone has not been exposed to a "mentor" figure to help them learn how to better manage and self protect, to tell them what to watch out for and spend some quality time with them which gives them a sense of "worthiness", that can leave a "void" in "anyone". Actually, instinctively you know this and tend to fall into the part of being that kind of person to others where you can give others that support, but you have failed to find that for yourself. So you have this "void" where you question your worthiness and feel shame even because you tend to get stuck in the "supporter role" but you have not found someone who can "support you".

Cottonball, the world is full of people that have "voids" and many of these people fill these voids in toxic ways. That is what your friends are doing, and one of them is coming to you because their partner is filling her void by cheating. Ok, you can't fix that and you have gotten tired of getting pulled to solve something you can't solve, you put your foot down, good for you. If these people need to gain some kind of "release" sitting around getting high or drunk and then find ways to "criticize" you, that is not "your" fault or even means you are "less than", you can't fix them, they need to fix themselves.

You need to understand that you will never get what you need from people who do not know how to give that to you. Yes, there are a lot of people in the world that are like that, DO NOT TAKE ON THE SHAME THAT SHOULD BE THEIRS. If you keep trying to find ways to better manage toxic problematic people you will find yourself constantly struggling with your body and subconscious mind that keeps warning you to stop. You need to find a good therapist that can help you "learn" better ways to manage these deep warnings. Someone who understands how to "listen and support", to help you learn about your hurts and slowly develop better skills to where you "slowly" recognize/learn/understand how to not carry shame that belongs to others. You need to travel into your own past to see whatever has hurt you, places where you didn't get what you needed to be stronger, mourn whatever is there because it is always sad and you need to have genuine permission to be able to express that because it really "is" ok. You need to get that validated, that is the beginning of finally learning how to fill that void in yourself. As you do this you will also learn that there "are" a lot of people who also struggle, people who just do not know how, people who give just comments because that is all they "do" know. But that never meant or means "you" are unworthy or should feel shame.

You need to understand that keeping busy and setting goals is not really "running" away from either. A trigger doesn't mean you are failing in anyway either. Every time you have a cycle, you can learn what that cycle is saying and "choose to heal" as you slowly learn more about what has triggered that cycle. You do not have to feed into a cycle either, you do not have to decide you are "doomed" when you experience these cycles.
You can learn to learn from them, connect the dots to why they take place, and finally take the time to work through them to gain a much needed resolve.

Every person we meet is another life experience, we learn something from everyone, we are not going to "just" know because people are all unique. There is no such thing as a perfect person either. We "all" grow and mature "all" our lives. The plateau of resolve is gaining a personal resolve for this, accepting that we all continue to learn and grow all our lives. Instead of "self blaming" for whatever you did not know in your past, accept that you are learning now, as all people do.

If you could hear the inner thoughts of others, you would see how you are more a "part of" then you realize too. The closest you can come to that is spending some time just browsing PC to be honest. Look at the relationship forum, it is the busiest forum here, so believe me, you are not alone with "relationship challenges" all kinds of relationship challenges are expressed in that forum. Many of these people could be people you just walk by not realizing their challenges because they often look like they are "just" dealing.

While you may have been disappointed by therapists in your past, keep trying, there are good ones out there, they are only human though so you need to be patient. A "good" therapist, a professional, will know how to help you feel "safe" with them and they will know how to "listen" and not stand in judgment of you, but instead is there to validate you, support you, and help you learn how to help yourself and also develop healthier self soothing instead of feeding into the stress/anxiety/triggers and cycles that are trying to tell you things you need to learn how to listen to better.

Remember, you can always come here and vent if you need to too.

(((Caring tender Hugs))))
OE

[Cotton ball]

(((Thank you open)))
You said allot and it's something I really need to think about. My instant reaction is to feel badly I even posted this thread but I know there is allot of truth to what you have said. My own patterns, cycles, ect. I appreciate your honesty and kindness. I really need to make sense of it right now.
(((Hugs back to you)))

[Open Eyes]

(((Cottonball)),

I understand, I gave you a lot to think about. You need to get past feeling guilty for reaching out. I know that can be a challenge, I have experienced that myself, I have lost count in how many posts I have read that ended with "an apology for whatever that person needed to share", sad, so sad. So many people harbor deep messages that it is wrong to "need help" or that they are a burden if they need help, that is VERY WRONG.

But you are free to vent as much as you need to vent here, the other members that struggle do understand and will listen and be as supportive as they can.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((Cottonball)),

I understand, I gave you a lot to think about. You need to get past feeling guilty for reaching out. I know that can be a challenge, I have experienced that myself, I have lost count in how many posts I have read that ended with "an apology for whatever that person needed to share", sad, so sad. So many people harbor deep messages that it is wrong to "need help" or that they are a burden if they need help, that is VERY WRONG.

But you are free to vent as much as you need to vent here, the other members that struggle do understand and will listen and be as supportive as they can.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Open Eyes, you spend a lot of time being so helpful to all of us here. It is appreciated.

[Cotton ball]

Yes, she does. Although its been a long time since I've posted or been around PC it's so nice to not only receive "comfort" for what most cannot understand but to have honest feedback for things to think about to try and make sense of it all.

I'm thankful.