3 hours with my mother and I am EXHAUSTED

Ugh, this is one of my most difficult and triggering times. To be around my family, particularly my mother....and I picked them up from the airport this afternoon and have just spent 3 odd hours with them and I am exhausted completely.

I don't want to go in to why being around my mum is so hard....but its awful. I am so surprised by how I feel, I just want to cry but can't start because if I do I may never stop.

To make things more difficult my son loves them to bits, and I want him to have a happy relationship with his grandparents......but it hurts me more than I can express watching my mother be so kind and gentle and patient and loving with my boy.

I frikkin well hate this......i am exhausted and stressed all at the same time.....I just wish I had someone I could turn to. I wish......oh heck I just wish I had someone to hold me. And even writing that I feel bad that I can't even do that for myself, and then that i even have a wish to be held.....because I dont deserve it and am not good enough to ever find it again. And even if I did, it wouldnt last.......ok blah!!

Sorry for the rant....can anyone relate? Or am I alone in these feelings too?

I dont blame you for feeling
Anyone would in your sitch
You survived 3 hours

(((Jane))),

I am sorry, I know what these triggers are like and how they can be so exhausting too. If you need a hug/comfort you can sit with your son and read a book with him in your lap, cuddling with you. Get a nice blanket and make it cozy and reading and cuddling will do wonders for both of you. You can also sit with him and watch a movie that you rent some of the movies designed for children are comforting for adults too, just sit together and snuggle. That is good for both of you.

While PTSD can bring up feelings that present a void, you can slowly work on rising above that by finding ways to self sooth and continue to be a loving mommy. It's ok to mourn whatever you feel was "lost" or not there in your past, I go through that a lot myself too. After you have that low day that comes after a situation like this, acknowledge the feelings and then allow yourself to have time to recover. I find that if I talk about it with people who can understand, which you can always come here and do, I get it out and do better the next day.

I am sorry that your mother is not aware of how she has hurt you. Unfortunately, as you will find out, raising children can be something parents learn along the way and they do make mistakes. It is not unusual for a child to feel left out when they have siblings either and carry these feelings whenever they are around their parent that somehow failed them. I notice this when I am around my sister and her children, her children get louder and louder trying to pull the attention to them and I know that even though my sister tried to be this super mom, she failed to realize that she was constantly sending messages to her daughter that her brother was the favorite. They are adults now and they still do this, yet her daughter behind the scenes will talk to my daughter about how everything is arranged around her brother and how it has always been that way.

So it is important that you know that you are really not alone with this challenge and it was never because you didn't deserve the attention and praise you needed, that all children need.

(((Hugs)))
OE

I don't understand why I do this to myself, but I feel the need to be the good daughter and spend time with my mother. This is the first time I have seen her in 2 years and she will be staying at my sisters a few blocks away for a week then she is coming to stay at my house and spend time with my boy.

Today I felt I had and wanted to spend time with her...is it a constant need to impress or try to get some of her attention or ....??? But I just end up feeling hurt and triggered and desperately sad. The competition in my family was intense, I was always the bad daughter, the one that was never good enough compared to my brothers and sister.....I never measured up.

I have little to no memories of my childhood, and most that I do have are not great. I have thousands of feelings, emotions and body sensations when I think about it though.

Two of the things that triggered me today, christmas shopping with mum & sister(why oh why?) and looking at some china which I say i have at home and the comments are, oh thats nice but I would never have that its just not good enough, the quality is bad...blah blah. I stand there and think to myself, did you just hear me say that I have this at home? Sigh................

Then over coffee, not even sure what we are talking about and Mum says....."well Jane what about you. Don't you remember when you were a kid you never wanted to spend time with us as a family, you were always going to other peoples houses instead of being with us". No, NO mum I dont remember, I dont remember why from 7 years of age I could not stand being at home, I dont remember never wanting to be with you.....I remember very little, except I felt hated and not wanted and that I was disgusting and useless and unloved. Wonder why that was Mum???

Oh this sucks......I hate having all these questions that I just can't answer...and when I get close to them in therapy I just panic and even sitting here now I can barely breathe nor see the screen through tears.

I feel like a child again, and have this strong need for mum to love and accept me, to be good enough...........but I am not. Exhausted again after a day of this and making sure that I keep calm and even and appear completely together....can't let them see it get to me.

(((Jane))),

It's ok to grieve when you realize what you have "lost" in your past and allow these emotions to bubble up to the surface. I am glad you are able to write this out here at PC where there are others who understand these challenging feelings too.

I am very sorry that you had to feel so much disconnect and disapproval from your mother growing up. That is "real" hun, and the fact that you can just finally let it out, that's important.

I am sorry that your mother or family tends to "criticize" you like that too. They should not look at your china, something "you" like and devalue it in any way. People who behave that way are "rude and disrespectful" and it is something I have noticed that people do, have done to me and I have seen others hurt this way too. Unfortunately, what many people fail to recognize is that each person is "unique" and will have their own taste and values on the things they want in their lives, whether it be a house, a piece of furniture, or a pair of shoes. The "important" thing that should always be "respected" is that someone buys something or wears something that makes "them" happy in some way. A good parent will pay attention to "what their child likes" and encourage that child to feel free to pursue whatever makes them "happy" and it is not the parent's role to decide that for their child either. A parent is there to encourage a child to be safe and responsible, but also to figure out whatever makes "them" happy, because we "are" all unique.

One day I had a client come out to my home with her grand child. I put the child on one of my ponies and we began walking around my riding ring. It was something that grand mother wanted to do "special" with that grand child. I got the sense from this woman that she needed to be "in charge" so I just let her do her thing. She kept telling this child over and over to "sit up", "sit up" and she began to get frustrated with the child for not paying attention enough. I have to mention that the child was only three and children this age have short attention spans.

Well, after a while this woman asked "me" to take over because she was getting frustrated. So, I stopped the pony and talked to the child, but I did not "tell her what to do", instead I asked her if she liked princesses. She responded with a big "yes" and then I asked if she would like to be a princess, again, she answered yes. Ok, I said, well, then you need to learn what princesses do. Then I asked her, "would you like to learn"? I gave "her" the choice. And then I told her how a princess would ride a pony and how if she rides a pony that way, people will see how she looks and see she looks like a princess. After that I didn't have to keep ordering her to sit up, all I did was remind her of how she wants to be a princess and she responded really "well", no problem.

Well, it turns out this woman was a child psychologist, professor and author. Ugh. She missed something "basic and significant" IT IS NOT ABOUT TELLING OTHERS WHAT TO DO and that starts with little people too. It never ceases to amaze me "how many people miss this very important part", how many parents that do not "get this". And how this tends to disrupt "self esteem" in so many people. This is what is going on with "you" too. It is "not important what your mother thinks about the dishes", WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS WHAT "YOU" THINK ABOUT THEM and she should be HAPPY BECAUSE THESE DISHES MAKE "YOU" HAPPY. When we are around people that appreciate whatever we have because it makes "us" happy, then we feel relaxed and welcome and worthy of whatever our choices are. In fact, when we buy someone a Christmas gift, it doesn't have be that big or expensive, all it has to be is something we know that other person likes and appreciates, and when we do that we are telling that other person we "are noticing the things that make them happy".

One of the things I have always done is I make "cards" and I spend time thinking about the person I make that card for and what is special about that person, things they like and are positive and special to me but are unique about them. I find this is really appreciated because it means I AM PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.

Your tears are what happens when others "fail" to do this for you, it has nothing to do with what "others think about the damn dishes and if they like them at all". It doesn't matter what your siblings achieve or do either, all that matters is that you are seen and appreciated for whatever you are, THAT IS WHAT A GOOD MOTHER IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

However, (((Jane))), the fact that your mother doesn't realize this, has not practiced this, is not or never has been that you were ever unworthy. This is because of "your mother's" lack, not yours. And you are truly not the only one who struggles with this challenge either.

Actually, I have a friend with two grown sons that tend to "avoid" her. I know she loves them, however, when she "is" with them or they "do" come to visit her she tends to tell them what "she" thinks they should be doing with their lives and it is all about "her" views. She even does this with me. One of her sons struggles with PTSD and there again, she fails to just listen and comfort him, no, instead she has to give him "what he should do's". She is not a "bad" person, but she just fails to understand how to appreciate people for whatever they are and to keep her mouth shut when it comes to "directing and giving what she thinks others should do". So, she is alone as a person, she just doesn't see it Jane. I have "tried" to talk to her and she just doesn't get it. Unfortunately there are a lot of people that are this way, even that supposedly professional I mention earlier, at least what I saw of her in action.

This also is "very" common when there is more than one child too. Often other children may pick up on doing things that they "know" a mother will agree with somehow and they gain approval. It is not unusual for one or two children to feel left out or somehow not good enough or loved enough.
When in reality, all of the children can be loved correctly simply because they are allowed to be happy in whatever they do or are or become.

I don't know "why" but something that is not all that hard is something so important that so many "miss" and it does hurt the ones they are supposed to love and it ends up putting "distance" between people. I have
been seeing this problem for a very long time and people that are "unhappy" because of how something so very simple is just missed, it's sad.

You are a good mother however, because you "do" let your child know "he" is special. You "do" understand the value of "seeing a child for who that child is" and encouraging that child to be "happy about who he is". Raising a child "correctly" begins with "seeing that child, recognizing what that child likes and gravitates to that gives them pleasure" and helping that child be ok with whatever that is and respecting that in the child. Of course as long it is healthy, but children "do" show us if we are willing to pay attention and love them for whatever they show us.

I am very sorry your mother has not "seen you" the way you wanted and deserved, I can see your sorrow. I hope that you are able to find a way to understand this is something many mothers fail at "unknowingly".

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

I understand the triggers of being around family. I had the same issue being around my mother. It would take me a long time to recover from just a 2 hour visit. Let alone any more than that! Post if you need to. You are not alone!

Ugh....another day, another opportunity for hurt. I limited that today and declined staying for dinner. Its christmas eve here, a few short hours until xmas day itself and I am home alone. My weeman is at his dads tonight, but I pick him up in the morning thankfully.

My T saw me today, kindly, eventhough he is not seeing anyone else for 2 weeks and has booked me another time next Tuesday. It feels nice and also scary to see that he cares.

We figured out today that I was actually leaving my family home to spend time with others to get away from mother etc around 4 and a half or 5 yrs of age. It shocks me to imagine my son doing that up to 2 years ago....it would just seem abnormal to me. But for me it was my escape. My T said that it was sad to imagine what it was, that at such a young age, drove me to leave what should have been a safe environment and search it out elsewhere. It makes me desperately sad also.

So this evening, alone at home missing my son terribly....imagine my joy, honestly my heart leaping joy to have the phone ring and have my weeman on the other end. That is how a mum ought to feel about her children.

Merry christmas to you all...or anyone who reads this anyway.

MERRY XMAS TO THE WEE MAN AND YOU
TOO!
God Bless,
BLUEDOVE

Oh, you are so not alone with those feelings. I could literally have almost written that post. My mom visited a while back and I felt all the same way. My saving grace this time was having a therapist: she let me send her a long email each day, but, conversely, being so self-aware instead of stuffing my feelings actually made it seem worse, though I learned a lot about myself and was glad for the support.

I hope you will take great care of yourself, get lots of rest, find pleasurable distractions, and take time for your feelings. Nothing wrong in my book with wanting to be held- self-mothering doesn't happen in a vacuum, everyone needs to be held, to have support, some of us are just still working through it. You don't have to do it all for yourself to be successful, humans need caring.

Sitting here tonight struggling to breathe and tears running down my face out of anxiety......why?

I went to collect my weeman from my sisters, I had been at work all day so my mother, stepdad and sister were looking after him for the day. Kind huh?
So I walked in to the end of a very stressful day for my sister, her boy has been a handful as is teething badly. Oh.....long story short.......(maybe not totally short but I need this out, sorry)

My sister yellled at me in front of my son, I mean really yelled at me.....told me it was better to yell at me than her boy. My mother said nothing, and jumped to her aid. I went and sorted out my nephew. sister & mother said not nice things about me thinking I couldn't hear. Mother had already told me she would be staying longer at sisters instead of coming to mine.

So I did all I could, and instead of staying and taking anymore, I made sure my nephew was changed(this is why sister yelled), had a wee quiet talk with him to ask him to be nicer to his mummy...then left. My son was upset, but I explained to mother & stepfather, no matter how hard a day my sister has had, I will not stay to be yelled at. Not anymore.

and now I feel like I have done something completely wrong, and that because of this something terrible is about to happen. I'm going to be in sooooooo much trouble. I am sweating, scared, crying, anxious.......I am just scared and I don't know why, I can barely breathe.

This after trying to keep it together on xmas day when my mother told me I was going to be paid "more than I am worth", and my step father telling me "you can F@#k off" with such viciousness, because he told my mum to shut up in front of my boy, and I dared to tell him "we don't say that here". And countless other barbs........

I can't handle this right now, I am trying soo hard to keep all my emotions and thoughts of the past locked down tight, and not being too successful with these things triggering me left right and centre. New years eve is in 4 short days, I dont want to think about it, but can't help it. Its the anniversary of the 2nd time I was raped, and I ......I....I just can't talk about it to anyone, never have until recently I approached it in therapy and I can barely do so with my T.

I am barely holding things together.....but I have to for my Weeman.

l can relate to what you write, I find myself so torn between being the dutiful daughter and wanting to never have to see her again. One thing l have realised though, is that she is incapable of giving me what l need and that part of me who always hopes that next time l see her things will be different, needs to let go and move on. It sounds as if it is your mother who was not a good enough mother to you. Soup

I get the delayed-reaction Jane. It's like a fear reaction to having actually stood up for yourself. After being trained for your whole life to NOT stand up for yourself. So doing what's right for you...is terrifying and always feels "wrong" even though it isn't wrong. And in the past - you WOULD have been punished for it. So it's totally understandable to be expecting that now.

Just remember that you really do NOT have to spend more time with them than you're comfortable with. I'm sorry that your son was exposed to their horrific behaviours - but it sounds like he's already aware of the fact that what they were doing was wrong.

(((Jane)))),

Oh hun, I am so sorry you were treated so badly like that. To be honest, it sounds like your sister was also stressed out having your mother and her stepdad stay with her. It sounds to me like she was getting overwhelmed and when you entered that picture her and your mother took that tension out on "you". Often with PTSD, we don't really see the entire picture because of how the triggers can take place, be very crippling and the scenario is expressing "our place in the overall dysfunction".

You see, even though to you it looks like your sister is "preferred" by your mother, all that really means is that your sister has managed to be more successful at somehow gaining your mother's attention, but that too can be such a burden. Remember, you do not really know "her" inner thoughts either. And because of how you were treated so badly when you came into that scenario, it is clear to me that your role has been merely that you tend to be the one that is "blamed" simply so these individuals have a way to release their frustrations about how they struggle with their sense of worth and perfection.

Unfortunately, Jane, what I have noticed in my time stepping back from my own family, is how my family members all had their own constant struggle with trying to find a way to play a role where they could feel better about their own lack of self esteem. What this does is it actually creates dysfunction in the family and the family members get caught up in the "illusion" of "playing different roles" where they can believe they do things right and when something is not right, they tend to pick on anyone they can to blame for that. And the problem with that is they really do not recognize their own dysfunction and how hurtful and really mean they really are with this subconscious game they play. It is "habit" more than anything, maintaining the "dysfunctional illusion" that they are doing something right somehow. However, what you experienced is clearly "not right", they are simply pushing "their issues" at "you" because people who "are" healthier do not behave the way you are describing.

Honestly Jane, it would be better for you if your Mother just stayed with your sister the entire time, let them have each other's dysfunction, you don't need that. Let your sister deal with having to be "just so with having the right damn dishes" for your mother. Your mother is "intrusive" dear and from what you are saying to please her one has to follow their life and obtain the material things that SHE decides is right. Who the hell needs that? And if it is so important to your sister to "keep up with that", THEN LET HER HAVE IT.

Jane, pretty much all my life my older sister just had to be "the Martha Stewart" of the family and HAVE THE CONTROL. She "can" do so much so right, but her need to be that person in control of "controlling traditions that she feels are perfect" has made her "miserable". She is not aware of the fact that the people that give in to her whole set up of her being this "super hostess" for the holidays are just "giving in" and are actually not "all that happy" with it.

She has become a "martyr" and because she needs to have so much control, she pretty much ends up "doing it all" and carrying the stress of feeling like "she" is left to "do it all" too. And during the holidays if anyone goes into her perfect kitchen and offers to help, she would get all ridged and reply, "no, I got it, don't bother me, go in the other room".

Jane, to be honest, now that I see the reality of it, I feel sorry for her. She "is" really talented, her home is like walking into a Country Living magazine too. I used to always walk away from any gathering she had there feeling as though I could never be "that organized or get my home like that". But I did not have the luxury of putting "all" my efforts into doing "just that" like she does. What I see now is that "her self esteem" is actually very fragile and her "fix" for that is "presenting perfection" and when something doesn't fit into "her mindset of perfection", she gets very bent out of shape. In fact, it is written all over her face and is expressed in her body language. She has to take these breaks where she goes outside, has a smoke and struggles with "anxiety attacks".

My role was to always try to tell her how wonderful everything was and to make it a point to compliment all the things she did to make that house so perfect. And somehow in that conversation I would make sure she knew that I could never achieve that amazing kind of perfection like she does. And in that conversation while she was full of anxiety, my adoration gave her a calm so she could go back inside and continue to be that Martha Stewart, perfect hostess.

Over the years it became clear to me, that I could "not" have gatherings at my house. I had to accept that "this was her role" and anytime I would try to do something, she would talk it down with all kinds of reasons where it had to be at her house. She did that with "everyone". And if I "did" manage to have a gathering and she came, she was never comfortable, out of place and just did not like "not having the control".

Jane, in my efforts to deal with my PTSD and my own self esteem, I have come to realize that going "all the way back" my older sister "needed" to be the best. I have come to realize that what that did to me is it made me harbor deep subconscious messages that I would never measure up somehow. While I had my own talents and was very creative and extremely artistic, there was always that message of "how nice" but "mine is better".

(((Jane)))), it is "ok" to let go of that battle that you can never truly win. That battle was "never" worth it. The tension you walked into at your sisters? Is that what "pleasing" somehow and getting chosen ever worth that kind of anxiety your sister was expressing that ended up being taken out on you? Stressing over your mother coming to stay with you, I can't blame you for that because with people that need some kind of "their idea of perfection", that is something that never brings any kind of happiness. But that never, ever, had anything to do with "you being unworthy" somehow, that is a dysfunction that is best to "stay away from".

People that have this "need" to obtain some kind of "social perfection" are people that are "empty" and get caught up in a weird world of having to follow some phony "presentation" that they are lifetime slaves to. They never "really" get close to anyone either, because they are way too busy trying to follow some "phony ideal" that has nothing to do with "true happiness and being able to just relax and be one's self".

Honestly, the fact that you are not "chosen" to maintain that "illusion" is really not so bad Jane. If you think back on how all the pent up frustration was taken out on you when you came onto that scene at your sisters, that was proof that ALL IS NOT WELL IN THE LAND OF PERFECTION TO MAKE MOM HAPPY. ((Jane)), it was not "you" that was the problem in that scenario at all, the pot was already boiling over before you got there. As soon as you opened up the door and walked in, you just simply removed the lid so they could let whatever was trapped out.

What you need to do is learn how to identify the people that behave in this dysfunctional way. You need to realize that the only thing you "can" do is "distance" from these kind of people because all these people do is "wind themselves up in playing a mental game that never really brings anyone true pleasure". You can't possibly win any trophies of true gratification in this game that is played, so be glad you are not playing the role of those that "are" more preferred in this "creepy delusional game". Realize that what you just saw was, THE REAL MISERY OF IT that was ready to be expelled on anyone that happened to enter into that "pressure cooker" that was brewing in that home. ANYTIME, people have to pick on your "dishes" or anything like that, it is a clear red flag that these people are "toxic and actually very insecure people" that are just not worthy of any of your time when it comes to sharing one's life with "quality people".

While I know this can be difficult, FEEL SORRY FOR THEM, because while you think you have a void, THEY ARE MUCH, MUCH WORSE OFF.

((((Caring, Supportive Hugs)))))
OE

((Jane))),

As far as your other challenge is concerned about the anniversary of something bad that you experienced over the New Years eve so long ago. I am very sorry you experienced that. I am glad to hear you are beginning to talk about it with your T. I understand how very difficult that is to talk about too, me too.

You truly deserve to mourn that and finally be able to talk about the deep hurt that caused you. It is clear to me that you did not have the kind of family that you could share this with either. I think part of your struggle is being able to open up and have a person listen to "your deep hurt" that you can trust to genuinely "comfort you" instead of "judging you in some way".

Jane, I was drugged and date raped and I got pregnant from it. The person who did this was the son of a very wealthy client of my fathers. I did not want to interfere with that so I kept quiet. I got sick right away and had horrible pains and my father took me to a specialist. I didn't even think about being pregnant until this doctor, who was also a client of my fathers asked me if there was anyway I could be pregnant before they took x-rays of my abdomen to see if there was something wrong. That is when it came to me that what happened to me "could have made me pregnant". It was so embarrassing to say yes to this doctor and for him to take the pregnancy test that came back positive. I will never forget the way my father looked at me, the embarrassment he expressed with this doctor client of his too. I never said the truth, I just couldn't and it killed me to see how ashamed my father was, ashamed of me and embarrassed with his client.

I was whisked away to have an abortion, it was determined that it had to be because of how I was too young. Just don't think about it, get it out of your mind and just do it. It was horrible experience, laying on that table, nothing given to me for the pain and it was excruciatingly painful and the people who did it were very cold towards me.

We didn't talk about it, just don't think about it, it's over with. Well, I felt like I did something "very wrong" and dealing with the hormonal shift was very hard and very lonely. I felt that I was a murderer, that I had sinned and it was not right and that I would be punished somehow. I felt that way all of my life tbh. I kept that pain hidden inside me "most of my life". And now that I developed PTSD because of a different trauma, something that just broke me? I have revisited that in a way I never dreamed could happen.

I know how this anniversary is very difficult, I know you don't like it and I know it can bring ghosts that you do not want either. But, I can tell you, that as hard as it is to finally talk about with a T, once you do so, you will finally get the chance to "grieve" it the way you always deserved to, but just didn't have the right person to listen and validate you and help you do that the you needed and deserved to have so long ago.

I am very sorry that happened to you (((Jane))), I know the pain first hand. You deserve to grieve and heal, and you "are" a good person, you did not deserve it, it was not your fault and it certainly doesn't mean you are broken or unworthy or less than in any way.

So keep working on opening up and talking about it so you "can" finally get what you need to "heal" from it.

(((Comforting Hugs)))
OE

(((Jane))),

I know I am posting a lot for you to read, but I also wanted to suggest you read the book Drama of the gifted child too.

What I see going on with you in your family scenario too is that you walked into that scenario where the "emotional challenge/stress" that was going on in your sister's home, and the "anger that was thrown at you" was also due to how your mother did not allow you to express your emotional challenges growing up, she may have also done this with your sister too. Your sister managed to find a way to "please" your mother, but what you saw is that it causes her distress. So much so that "you" had to go to her child who was in distress because your sister could not "handle it". That is so sad because that child of your sisters is going to also be taught as it grows up to "suppress" its emotions, and that is very "unhealthy" for any child.

Your son is going to be much healthier then the children your sister raises in her effort for perfection that she is getting from your mother. As you talk about your "weeman" you talk so lovingly, even the cute little calendar you made for him shows you are always "caring" about him. You "care' about your son's emotions all the time, something your siblings do not know how to do. As I mentioned, you walked into your sister's home and you were the only one that could tend to her child. That's so sad.

So, please do "not" see yourself as a failure. You are "not" a failure, you just need to understand "how" you have been hurt and that you actually have a better chance at "healing" and growing into a much better person then the other dysfunctional people in your family. You will have to mourn that too, but see it for what it really is.

(((Hugs)))
OE

(((Jane)))

I hear your story. I will try to be brief, do you think your mother is narcissistic? That is she only cares about herself and it’s all about her needs above all others?? My mother is the same and I feel your tiredness and pain with being with your mother. It sounds like a dysfunctional family and in dysfunctional families there are roles children have to play:


Golden Child: a child that can never do anything wrong and is favoured by the parents (this might be your sister)

The Clown: this child adds humour to the situation to lighten the heaviness of the dysfunction in the family

The scapegoat: this child is blamed for everything that is wrong in the family, the family directs all their problems and anger at the scapegoat (this may be you)

The Lost Child: this child is ignored and is ‘invisible’ in the family dysfunction

Food for thought and check out this great website which you may be able to relate to: LIGHT'S HOUSE - Support for Adult Children of Toxic Parents

OE....thankyou for your kindness in taking so much time to respond, and to share some of your story. I am so sorry that you had to experience such an awful time in your life.

Red panda.....what you said really resonated with me. Thanks

Soup.....you are right, she wasn't good enough. (I feel bad for even saying that) Thanks

Purple Heart.....you hit a nerve and triggered a thought that I will need to discuss with my T. About the 'invisible child'....my thought was, they may be invisible but they also get away with doing awful things. Not sure what that means yet.....but it made me gasp and cry. Thank you, I think it is important, but can't/won't explain why. Thanks

I don't know what to say really today. I know logically that what I walked in to was not my making, I know that I was made the scapegoat of all their pent up anger etc. I understand this logically, I could list hundreds and hundreds of times this happened in my life....even as an adult. I also recognise just what a hard time my sister is having, and this is why despite the horrid way they treat me I reach out to support her. This was never done for me when I experienced similarly difficult times with my son alone and in a deep clinical depression that lead me to intense despair......so I know how much it would have helped me if one of my family had stepped up to help, and if I can I will do this for my sister.

You see one of my values is kindness....and I promised myself that despite all of the difficulty I would experience this holiday period, that I would satnd for kindness.

So eventhough I know logically what is happening....emotionally I do not. emotionally I am hurting, deeply.

Today mother & step father came to spend time with my Weeman...it made him sooooo happy to have them here. I explained to mother that I thought they ought to stay longer at my sisters as she needs support...but no, they want to keep their promise to my weeman and come here to stay. Sigh. I offered to have my sisters son for the day so she could have a break...........always putting myself last.

There was no single hint of "i'm sorry". I didn't expect it. There was only me showing concern and support for my family.

As for new years approaching......I just need to keep that closed off as much as I can, I am not ready nor able to manage those emotions very well right now. I have never been able to talk to anyone about either time really. Even my 2 ex husbands didn't want nor were able to hear. In fact, I only allowed the memory of the time it happened when I was 14 to surface about 4 years ago, and even then the therapist at the time told me I couldn't talk about it to him. So that has added to my intense shame. At 14 I was not able to even tell mother about it, not anyone.....out of fear. Not sure when I will be able to talk about that. even right now I feel like someone is standing on my chest and my throat is constricting....probably in an effort to suppress it?

Thankyou all for allowing me to write all this out here, it helps me to get it out. I am sorry if it is too much, I hope I am not writing more than I should? And also thank you for sharing of yourselves and your stories, I greatly appreciate it and treasure the kindness you show. I recognise that I have a long way to go with all of this and just hope that my T can help me through this scary stuff.

Jane, you're not writing more than you should. You're writing as much as you need to. And that's going to always be the right amount.

Good luck with the upcoming day... from what I've read about your new T, I'm sure that they'll be able to listen to you and will be able to help!

(((Jane)))),

You do not need to apologize for sharing your challenges. Share as much as you need to.

It saddens me when I see so many apologize after they ask for help or need to vent. I have felt that way myself and it is sad to know that this is due to constantly being told that it is too much of a bother to "need help or need comforting".

I was also the one in my family to "listen and offer help and caring". I was always trying to understand "everyone else" and be the one that listened and cared and was patient. My husband has told me that he has never met anyone like me, someone who will stop and listen to another in pain and struggling and actually take time to help that person. He keeps telling me "OE, people are just not like that, they simply do not take the time, are too self absorbed." I think that is so "sad", I think it is sad that other people look at me like I am stupid for caring, like there must be something very wrong with me for caring too. So many that are convinced that it is wrong to express our emotions or need to have someone comfort us, that the answer is to "learn to suppress and just deal somehow". I have met so many that are in pain and feel they are "unworthy" because of their pain, that they should be ashamed that they struggle to "just deal and get over it". Yet, we are only human, we are designed to have emotions, to feel and reach out for comfort.

Jane, I believe you about that therapist telling you to not talk about what happened too. I believe you when you talk about how hard it is to talk about what happened to you and that your chest feels heavy at the thought of sharing that pain too. I am so sorry you struggle this way, it is not fair you should struggle this way. If you have a therapist that is "a good professional" therapist, that should not happen, and you should be able to open up and realize the relief of finally being able to do just that. When you "can" finally open up and you get validated, the relief from finally being able to achieve that is amazing and empowering. It becomes very clear that it is right to have that validation, and comfort too, that it so right that for anyone to suggest it is somehow wrong is someone who knows nothing about "human nature".

Jane, I have been punished for feeling so many times in my life that I can't believe how "bad" people can be. I was so ill, I was dying from my appendix leaking toxins into my body for 3 days. My husband called an ambulance and the EMT moved me onto a board and the pain I was in was unbelievable and yes I moaned and he yelled at me, "shut up, shut up now or a doctor will not see you". I am lucky to be here, I spent hours on an operating table, was completely opened up so they could flush all the toxins out of my body cavity, moving my organs around. None of my family sought out that EMT to reem him out or complain about him. Is it "ok" to yell at someone because they are dying? I was not screaming, I was moaning, I wanted to scream but even with my body in severe pain and dying I suppressed the desire to scream and moaned instead, and I still got yelled at.

That is just one story out many that I have. I have been struggling myself over the holidays because my attorney sent me copies of the police reports from when my neighbors dog damaged just about all my ponies and horses. I was overwhelmed with so many injuries and they were all wild and terrified of seeing "any" dog or any movement coming from my neighbors. I was constantly hand walking them, trying to keep them quiet and my neighbors would race through our shared right of way and almost hit me a couple of times, and they were so mean to me. Blame the victim? The police would not come out, the dog warden was out recovering from an injury for two weeks. I look at the reports and because they now know they are "liable" because they did not come out, they are saying that I didn't call the dog warden for two weeks. The tone in these reports are so mean. I was constantly stressed and overwhelmed with all that I had to do to tend to these different animals, "praying" they would stay calm enough. I finally collapsed physically and psychologically. I ended up in a psych ward where the psychiatrist thought I was "wrong" to be so upset and exhausted and he called me a narcissist and NO ONE was nice to me. I loved my ponies and horses and I lost the battle to try to save my favorite pony that did not deserve to suffer the way she did, BUT I DON'T DESERVE TO GRIEVE? I watched everything I worked so hard for and loved destroyed and I can't be severely broken hearted? I have to have therapy for having bad therapy and being so badly misdiagnosed and mistreated, that's pretty bad.

I put up a no trespassing sign because my neighbor would "not" respect my boundaries and he decided he didn't like it and tore it down. So I read that report and he tells the police he did take it down but didn't know "who" put it there? The day he tore it down I was "alone" out feeding and he pops up complaining about it, he tells me I should have just shot the dog and he knew the electric fence had been malfunctioning for almost three months? Blame the victim? Yet, I am an imposition to the police? I had a lawyer that developed dementia and messed up my case but "feel sorry for him because he used to be good and he is trying to hang on even though he cant remember anymore"? It took me 5 years to find another lawyer that finally would listen and see the reality of what I was dealing with. But lawyers do not want to sue other lawyers, they tend to "sympathize" and hang tight etc. I am supposed to "feel sorry" for this demented attorney, who by the way is still practicing?

Jane, I could go on and on with just how bad and "mean" people can be. So "do not" apologize for "feeling". It is "wrong" to punish someone for being a victim. I will fight for that until my last breath too.

OE

Big deep breaths needed........... the end of the first day that mother & step father are staying with me, soon I can go to bed.

On arrival, showed them to my bedroom that they will be staying in and mother commented "well this looks much tidier". So far my handsoap makes her cough, my water filter stresses her out.....gah, I could go on but I wont as I would like to be able to sleep tonight.

There have been a couple of instances that I have had to turn my back and walk away because I just can not let her see that she has brought tears to my eyes, so hurtful sometimes. I will say this though......I can see that she is trying to not be soo awful. (That in itself is an absolute miracle, and maybe I have been to hard on her?) Unfortunately when a behaviour is so ingrained it is very hard to change.

I have found myself running around unable to stop moving, making sure that everything is just so, tidying up, getting what they need.......its supposed to be the 'holiday season', but I think I am going to need one after this.

I recognise right now that I am in my perfectionist mode, with a mask solidly in place to show I am capable. This is not healthy but necessary. I feel rather sorry for my T in 2 days time, for when the mask can come down I think I will crack wide open.

As for the upcoming day, in the dark hours of the night I am being haunted, but also seem to be shutting those memories down fairly quickly. I remember my T expressing some, surprise is not the right word but close, at just how skilled I am at shutting down emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories.....well just about everything! I am glad that I feel as safe as I can expect to so far in my T's office, I hope that helps on Tuesday. Sunday night here, I am going to bed shortly, hope I sleep.

Thankyou all again. It is more helpful than you know to be able to come here and type this out and see that it is ok to do that. Also to see that I am not alone in having similar experiences.....unfortunate they happened at all for many of us, but I feel thankful I can come here and find you all out there.

OE....last week I became quite overwhelmed with the thought of what is coming up and that I need to talk about it, and you mentioned I should have a T who is a good professional and can validate and listen to me. I think mine can, I hope he can......when i was having trouble breathing and he could see my distress, he showed a tonne of caring and said "*Jane*, I can help you with this" with such sincerity,empathy and self assurance that in that instant I believed him. I know he can....I just need to find the strength and courage to start talking. I am scared, ashamed and scared to be judged despite all that. And almost scared to death about what will come forward when i begin talking and how I will feel, and I blame myself so deeply that I am disgusted at myself more than you can imagine. (I would like that to change, somehow, I really would)

Ok, that is just too triggering right now, I need to stop. Thanks again for reading and replying.

(((Jane)))),

I think it is really good that you are coming here and writing all of this down. You can review this later and see areas where you get triggered that you can work on understanding better and in turn develop more control over how you developed automatic stress around your mother that you really didn't quite realize. I can see that you are actually starting to see some of this and it is actually putting you on a higher level because you are beginning to understand it better.

From what you have been sharing here, your mother produces a lot of stress in those around her, she is the type of person who points out anything she can find to criticize and produce negative feelings in the people around her. When people do this Jane, this speaks volumes about "their deep insecurities" and not about others being "unworthy" somehow. This is coming from "her" childhood problems and her own struggle with "low self esteem". It is "narcissistic" behavior patterns when someone constantly looks for anything they can "devalue" or be critical of in the people around them.

See, I picked up on her criticism of those dishes. What the hell does it matter? Think about it. What, she didn't like them for some reason so all of a sudden you end up feeling "unworthy"? The soap? She needs to make you feel bad about the damn soap? This kind of behavior is very "bad learned behavior" and I am very sorry you have had to deal with it for so long. I have seen this kind of behavior in so many people in the horse show world and I could not believe how badly many of these mothers behaved. I hated being around people like that, it was so toxic, yet my daughter just loved riding and competing so much that I supported her. But I had to constantly point out to her how many of these people were "toxic" and that I would not support her in this activity unless she let go of this "need to win" and concentrated on enjoying the riding and skill building instead. I had to sit down with her trainers and tell them "not" to have this be all about winning and that their job was to teach her to enjoy the horse and the skill building. I absolutely did not want to see my daughter go into any competition so worried about "pleasing the trainer or her parents" that she would lose the concentration and joy of just riding and learning and enjoying what that really means. I could not believe the unhealthy ways many people behaved, taking pleasure in anything others struggled with somehow, for a way for them to get some kind of advantage. I watched so many of these young riders adapt to that mindset looking for any way to pick on others to put them down and make them "uncomfortable" like you describe how you feel around your mother. I hated my daughter being in that kind of environment, "I "hated being in that kind of environment, I had all I could do to keep guiding my daughter and pointing out how "toxic" these behaviors were and not be any part of that and find other riders to make friends with that were not like that.

Jane, I am very sorry you grew up with that kind of mother. These mother's are just never "happy" Jane. And when this kind of person enters onto the scene all it creates is uncomfortable stress/negativity in the other people around them. That is what you walked into at your sisters. Mothers like this do not cuddle with their children, they are icy cold, judgmental, and dismissive and promote gossip, feed on gossip because they are addicted to putting others down so they can somehow feel better about themselves. This kind of "gossip to put others down" mentality includes critiquing anything, like dishes, soap, or anything that can be sought out to dismantle the other person's ego/self esteem.

Jane, you are right, this is so engrained in your mothers persona that even if she "tries" to be a little more considerate, that toxic auto pilot mindset is going to keep slipping back into gear. What "you" need to concentrate on for "you" is how to identify this, and how it can trigger you and then slowly work on realizing on a deep emotional level that instead of allowing your mother and anyone like her to switch you into "stress mode" to instead see it for what it really is, a person who is very "small inside" and will be a slave to that mindset where they themselves can never be "relaxed and happy". The reality of your mother is "she is not really loved or appreciated", instead she is this entity that brings others discomfort and desire for that moment when she " no longer exits their environment".

When someone states, I need a holiday from my holiday? They are this way because their holiday was not a true holiday, it was instead just a stressful judgment day where no matter how much they cleaned or tried to make it "perfect", they were still criticized and constantly waiting for the "next emotional hit".

From what you have shared about you and your weeman, you love and cuddle him, you really do care. ((Jane)), that is "special and worthy", that is what is "important" more than dishes, soap, having a perfect house that you run around fixing the pillows and keeping it "just so" or spending a lifetime trying to somehow be perfect when the reality is, none of us are ever perfect and most often what is considered perfect, is not perfection at all.

I have told my daughter all her life, "I don't care if you end up knee deep in pig crap, if I see a smile on your face, then that is what will make me happy and proud". And speaking of dishes, that actually came up when she had Christmas at her little house for the first time. She got a dish as a present "Portuguese pottery", have you ever seen it? She loved it and she talked all about how it is stamped by hand, and what matters about it was "SHE LOVED IT" and someone paid attention to that. I was just "happy" to see her delighted with it, and I love to see whatever "her" taste is, what "she" likes. I would not dream of making her feel "wrong" for what she ends up liking. I would never want her to feel that my visits to her home meant she would have to endure being criticized constantly. No one can "love" someone who acts that way, it is sad for you, but it is sad for your mother because she is "not really loved". Don't allow her to stress you, instead, "pity her".

I am happy to hear you are building trust in your T too. You deserve to have someone that you can finally talk to about your trauma that will "listen and validate" in a "healthy" way. When you can finally "open up" and get the "caring comforting attention you have needed", you will feel very "relieved". You need to learn how to spot "toxic" people and people who are "not" that way but instead will see you and appreciate "you".

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE