[OutlawedSpirit]

When I was in high school, I lived with my dad for about a year. He had a job working for a family friend delivering donuts at night. I loved going with him. We would talk for hours about everything from school, to music, to just life in general. He also had another job he had to go to as soon as he was done delivering in the morning. There were nights that I would go deliver by myself if he had to work late at his other job and didn't get much sleep.

The beginning of the summer after my junior year, he found an old trans am that needed only minor work done to it. He told me he would buy it and do the work if I agreed to deliver for the summer. I didn't have my own car, so of course I agreed.

Things went well for the first month and a half or so. I would get there about midnight, and the owners cousin worked the shop overnight, so he would help me load the van and empty it when I got back. However, I knew something was wrong when he started getting too friendly. He would throw his arm around my shoulders and walk me out to the van at night. At first I thought it was nice, since I was a 17 year old girl on a bad side of town, so I figured it was for my protection. Oh, how wrong I was.

The first time things really went wrong, I went to open the door to walk out of the back of the shop, he reached around me and locked the door. I still sometimes hear the sound of that lock being thrown. Things were done and then I left and went to deliver.

Similar things happened at least a couple times a week for the next month. I never told anyone because I was afraid that it would affect my dad's job, and I knew he couldn't afford that. Especially with my little brother and two little sisters at home.

Of course, at home wasn't much better for my mental state. My step mom was a stay at home mom who did nothing. Dishes were piled up, food and garbage on the floors. She treated me like a live in babysitter when she didn't feel like dealing with the kids. We also had 5 or 6 horses that I was expected to care for.

I eventually got to where I couldn't stand being there. I couldn't stand her, I couldn't stand the way the house was, and I couldn't stand pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. In a way, I couldn't believe that neither my dad or my step mom ever noticed that I wasn't okay, I expected them to know that something was terribly wrong, even though I did everything I could to hide it.

One night, I sat with my dad and told him I couldn't take staying there anymore, and he told me if I was so unhappy, I should call my mom and tell her to come get me. So I did, and he looked me in the eye and told me I was a coward. I will never forget that conversation. My mom came and got me and I went back to live with her.

I did go back to get my stuff, and when my dad came to the door, he said his daughter's stuff was there, but that I was no daughter of his. So I left.

Sorry it was so long, but I guess that's my story.

[Open Eyes]

(((OutlawedSpirit)))),

Oh, hun, I am sorry that you went through all of that and didn't have anyone you could really turn to for comfort. Unfortunately, with your father not knowing and doing his best to provide for his family, not even understanding how to spot when a teenager is showing signs he/she needs help, all worked against you.

It also sounds like your step mother herself was self absorbed and overwhelmed and troubled herself, she was clearly showing signs and expecting you to take over all the things she could not manage. It sounds like your father had been "trying" to give you quality time even though he was very busy trying to be the provider. The fact that you began to struggle because you were violated and had no way of reaching out for help, you began to notice that the environment you were living in had no comforts for you whatsoever. Because you had been violated, and traumatized at the same time, your answer was to "flight". And your father made that even worse with his "rejection". That rejection, by the way never meant "you failed or were truly unworthy" either. Unfortunately, your father became angry, thinking he did try and even made an effort to get you a car and that you failed to appreciate that effort. With all his stress and trying to keep up with all his responsibility he too felt betrayed and took that out on you.

Sweetheart, it isn't that people don't really "care" about you, the problem is they genuinely are at a loss and have their own issues or challenges that they themselves struggle to keep up with. Often what many teens do not realize is that many parents simply "do not know all the answers" like their teens think they should.

I experienced a similar scenario where I was drugged and date raped by the son of a very wealthy client of my fathers. I was too afraid to tell and unfortunately, I got pregnant when that happened which made the entire challenge even harder. When my father found out the look of disappointment on his face hurt me even more and I was rushed off to get it taken care of which in itself was yet another horrible experience. I held onto that secret for many years too, and it did hurt me more than I realized. I finally told my father when I was in my 50's struggling with PTSD. I felt it was "safe" to tell because my father's rich client had finally passed away too.

((OutlawedSpirit))),
You need to open up and tell your father, even if you do it in a letter. While that job was something your father depended on, I am sure he would much rather "know" you were violated and the man who violated you should be exposed as well because he will only do that to another innocent unsuspecting young girl because he discovered he can get away with it.

Hun, you cannot go along thinking that you should sacrifice yourself and even suffer people misunderstanding you and thinking you never appreciated them somehow. This is something that happens all too often and the victim often gets blamed when it was nothing they ever did wrong. You need to understand "how" to speak up so that you can get the sense of security you need too. And it doesn't matter if you gave into this predator either, you simply did not have the life experience to know how to defend yourself either. This is exactly what these kind of predators bank on with their victims too. These kind of predators "know" how to groom their victims so they can get what they want out of them eventually too. You were the kind of victim this person preys on and they know you will not tell because they get you to trust and cooperate so they can say "you wanted it too". This is always the kind of trap they set, always, and it worked because "you didn't tell" and now there is still a part of you that you blame and feel that if you tell, dad will not believe you, I felt that way too. And guess what, I was around the same age you were when that happened to me too.

Hun, the only way you can "heal" is through and by opening up once and for all and TELLING. You cannot continue to hold this all in either, it's time for you to release it, and grow past it. You are still only just 23 and you haven't had enough time to develop your boundaries "yet" so of course you are struggling with a sense of "control". At 23 so many think they are supposed to be at a point where they should be "able" to know how to negotiate life, but that is simply not the case at all. In fact our brains grow and develop right up to 25+ and we really don't get a true sense of who we are until we are in our 30's and have built up and practiced more adult life skills.

You need to finally clear the air and work with your therapist as you do just that. You will be "learning" and as you do this you will gain a new sense of empowerment and overall ability to "resolve" verses constantly dealing with this ongoing anxiety that you are unknowingly feeding into that is disabling you so much.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

[Open Eyes]

"In a way, I couldn't believe that neither my dad or my step mom ever noticed that I wasn't okay, I expected them to know that something was terribly wrong, even though I did everything I could to hide it. " quote OutlawedSpirit

As you grow and learn, you will begin to understand that it is very "common" for people to just not "know" a lot of things. Einstein as brilliant as he was still did not "know" a lot of things.

It is actually very "common" for people your age and in their late teens to struggle with anxiety, but try their best to conceal it. We all learn and grow and mature "all" our lives too.

It is good to hear you are working with a therapist, but you must understand that a therapist will only "know" what you need as you open up and talk about the things that are challenging you. A therapist is not there to judge you either, you are not there to "please or impress" them either. While you may feel that your challenges are unique, believe me, therapists have listened to much, much worse and a good therapist will listen, help you to feel safe and should be that person that has the ability to actually "listen" to you and help you finally "work through" whatever you are struggling with that you have not figured out how to work through on your own yet.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Rzay4]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No girl should ever go through that, I'm glad you're safe with your mother now.