[LilithOwl]

That night was insane. It started with lots of alcohol, loud music, and a crowded house. He was sneaking shots which was odd in itself as we always drank together with no worries. I knew he was sneaking it, I watched from the window at the back door while I was chatting with a friend, and when I went outside and asked if I could have a shot him and all his friends pretended there wasn't anything. I found it really odd, they were drinking my beer so it wasn't like I was asking for anything more than what I was giving. We stayed later than normal as the house was known to get busted by cops after 11pm, left around 12:30ish. When I got in the car it was like some one threw a switch off of his conscious and opened the verbal abuse valve straight from his fathers mouth to his. I decided I needed to be some where for a bit with him while we sobered up that wasn't in an empty house in a secluded part of town, i.e. my home. We drove to his friends house, the switch turned off the moment we were inside, and he became far more loving towards me than I had ever seen.

Back in the car after 30 minutes at my friends house, the abusive father is speaking through his mouth again but it is aimed straight at me. Than we are home and I am trying to tell him to sleep some where that isn't my bed.

Than I am trapped in the bedroom. He takes my phone away from me by force. I get held down to the bed. I get pushed away from the exits. The window won't open or he throws me to the bed before I can get it open. I am panicking, my heart feels like it could jump out the window for me it is racing so hard in my chest.

Some where in here it happens. A black spot surrounds it now, as trauma/time/will power cover up as much as possible. This memory, a small viewing hole in a black board of this night, and I looking through the hole: Pushing him, a man with at least 100lbs on me and a foot, I am pushing him to move away from the door. Than the close up of the fist, swinging, right WHY right? Why with his left hand? I was looking at his right hand waiting for it. Why left? I move before it hits me, he is pushing me with his right hand and I am watching that right hand so the left fist catches my cheek right under and than ontop of my bone with no buffer just shock; He hit me, he punched me, I am a victim? I remember the ringing sound, that the bed which I flew back onto was pushed all the way to the wall, 4ft, from me landing on it.

The ringing sound in my ears is replaced with Grandma's saying "panic afterwards focus now" and I can hear my mother telling me this as I lay on the bed, something that her mother told her, this is how the women in my family deal with crisis. So I trick him into the bed with me, forgetting my heart attack and the pain. With sweet talk and soothing and slow motions.
I am running now, phone in hand, out the back door, calling his father, telling him to come now his son has gone crazy and is chasing me around, his father asks if it can wait, he doesn't understand the next call will be to my best friends, who will call my parents who will call the cops. I am tackled to the ground, shirt is ripped, face covered in grass and dirt. Back in the bed room, phone away again, his father alerted, back to staying calm/not panicking/focus. He looks threw my jewelry box as I make up stories about each shiny bobble that I place in his large hand.
Second escape, this time into the car with the code lock on it. Best friends alerted, family alerted, cops on their way.

This is where the hardest part comes. When you watch a man you wanted to marry, a man you still love, a person you hold a special little place for in your heart that you built up for him like a shrine, being put into a cop car and all that goes through your mind is "It is MY fault. MY fault that my loved one is going away in cuffs. If I had only....." Than the lists. This is the part where the women goes back to him, this is the part where you start trying to find excuses and find him help and plot the stories you will tell your family when you take him back. Love isn't a candle and that punch did not extinguish my feelings. I never understood how a woman could stay with the man who hit her or abused her; the answer is she loves him. This is more painful than any other part of this story. I loved a man who hurt me. I love a man who hurt me. I still want a man who hurt me, sometimes. Even while I lay still with a man who cares for me, takes care of me, and does everything I deserve for me; the man who hit me still lives in my heart. They don't tell you that the victim often loves the abuser; and if they did how would that sound to some one who isn't a victim? It sounds masochistic. Love isn't masochism or sadism. The love I felt for him was the same love I felt the day before his fist met my cheekbone.

Because of this love I helped him get out of as much judicial punishment as possible. I told myself that all the therapy/anger management/ and what ever other b.s. he brought to my table and fed me was something he was willing to do on his own. Day after the court date, he never saw a councilor again or anger management, and a week later he was back to drinking. Than a month later he was denying that he hit me to his friends, my ex friends... The documents, his testimony/confession to the physical abuse, or the pictures don't mean a thing to him or any of his friends. The lie is easier than an inconvenient truth.

So, I have night mares and take pills so I can't remember them come morning. I smile and nod when they ask if I am okay. I avoid this bar or that bar, this music venue or that show, I stay close to home, carry a big can of pepper spray and never dress up to nice unless in a large group. My facebook feeds read things from his friends talking about how lying about abuse isn't okay, with hashtags that contain my name(stupid is as stupid does...). My true friends go off doing things to him, telling him off/punching him/calling him abuses around me even when I ask again and again for them not to. I don't want more hate, I felt all the hate I needed in my face, I want forgiveness and love and the truth. The hard pressed truth.

I told the prosecutor that he was going to get better and than I lied about that night because I thought that was the best thing to do for my love. I made the wrong choice. I should have given hard love, hard truthful love with plenty of room to forgive as the truth was spoken. That didn't happen though and now I fight my mistake. I am lucky to have my man, friends and family. Something I feel I need to state with all of this and wish that nothing had gone differently because I have a true man now, a true friend group, and a close relationship with my family out of these hard times.

But the nightmares keep coming, and the depression, the heart ache, and I want to keep it all secret because these people I love don't understand these things. Though his name is slipping out slowly; his body form fading; his scent almost gone from everything, almost; the bed doesn't sink in any more where he lay; and all the things that remind me of him are disappearing from my room, car, and life. Some one I love is fading away, that same some one gives me nightmares, I just don't know how to cope with this.

[Open Eyes]

(((LilithOwl)),

What you are describing of yourself is "victim mentality". Abusers or even abusive alcoholics always "promise" they will change and be better. There is an apology and a time where things are peaceful, known as the honeymoon period, until these people
abuse again.

I lived through that for several years with my husband too. Many of the bad things he did he doesn't remember because it was during the black out stages with his alcohol addiction. My husband never hit me, but he did hurt me very deeply.

I know about the "love" part too. I finally put my foot down and that night he went to his first AA meeting and has not drank since. However, that bad part still pops up at times and it's been a very long road for me tbh.

I hope you found the strength in yourself to leave him. I am very sorry you have been a victim, but you have to think about "you" so that means you have to love yourself enough to save yourself and that might mean you need to finally have someone help you with that
part.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[LilithOwl]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((LilithOwl)),

What you are describing of yourself is "victim mentality". Abusers or even abusive alcoholics always "promise" they will change and be better. There is an apology and a time where things are peaceful, known as the honeymoon period, until these people
abuse again.

I lived through that for several years with my husband too. Many of the bad things he did he doesn't remember because it was during the black out stages with his alcohol addiction. My husband never hit me, but he did hurt me very deeply.

I know about the "love" part too. I finally put my foot down and that night he went to his first AA meeting and has not drank since. However, that bad part still pops up at times and it's been a very long road for me tbh.

I hope you found the strength in yourself to leave him. I am very sorry you have been a victim, but you have to think about "you" so that means you have to love yourself enough to save yourself and that might mean you need to finally have someone help you with that
part.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Thank you so much for this. Just the small council really helps make my heart feel better.
I did walk away from him, it is still very fresh though as only 6 months have gone by since the abuse. So just fighting with the sadness and lose is very fresh.
I am glad you were able to get your husband the help; I hope you put yourself first though as well.
Caring hugs thank you so much.

[Open Eyes]

(((LilithOwl))),

Six months is not very long, you need time to grieve and heal. It sounds like you were with him a long time, well, it will take a while for you to really recover all that damage.

I hope you are working with a therapist and not just doing this on your own.

((Caring gentle hugs))))
OE

[LilithOwl]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((LilithOwl))),

Six months is not very long, you need time to grieve and heal. It sounds like you were with him a long time, well, it will take a while for you to really recover all that damage.

I hope you are working with a therapist and not just doing this on your own.

((Caring gentle hugs))))
OE

I am working with a therapist thank you for asking. I was working with her before this happened doing EMDR treatments and we have talked about doing some for this as well. I am nervous about it cause the treatments are so intense, though I always feel way better the day after them.

Really being here and able to tell people about what happened with out it being some big secret is why I am on this forum.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, yes, it is helpful to get support and have a place to just talk with others who can
understand, validate and offer you comfort.

Does your T know of any support groups around you? Sometimes there are and people find those helpful too.

[LilithOwl]

Yes, I am in school however and getting away from that long enough to start a relationship with a group is very hard. I have a very wonderful support group of friends and family; they some times just don't understand. That is why I am here, to express my feelings and find people like you. You are being really kind by just talking to me about this.

[Weltering]

I am really upset that you are still subject to what amounts to bullying or ridicule on your Facebook. Please consider unfriending, blocking and possibly even reporting this behavior.

Take care of you. You're worth it.